Mike & Molly

Scrambled eggs with English muffin,

and cottage cheese with one sliced peach.

No, man, the cottage cheese is mine.

Oh, my bad.

I was confused because he's usually the one

who gets the plate of fat man baby food.

But I guess, no matter who orders it,

I'm the one that takes crap for it.

That appears to be the case.

Can you please just order pancakes,

so I don't have to go through this?

Can't. I want to keep it light

'cause Christina's making a special dinner for me.

Oh, man, how do you eat this stuff?

It's not really milk, it's not really cheese.

It's like sour cream and oatmeal had an ugly baby.

Just pretend it's something else.

That's what I do.

Right now, I'm pretending

these plain scrambled eggs are a delightful Denver omelet,

this dive we're sitting in is a quaint new Orleans bistro

and I'm Turner and you're hooch.

Really?

See, I always go to lethal weapon.

I'm Danny glover and you're

Mel Gibson with a thyroid condition.

Just eat your curds.

So, sounds like things are going pretty good

with you and Christina.

I am truly smitten.

I mean when she talks, I'm actually listening to her

and not just nodding my head and imagining

what she looks like naked on a see-saw.

So, is there a chance that tonight,

there's gonna be more than food on the menu?

The sexual aspect of our relationship is moot,

'cause we've already connected on a soulful, spiritual level.

And that's why you got a clean pair of undies

and a toothbrush in your glove box.

As well as a three-pack of flavored love jellies

and a strip of condoms long enough

to choke a world war ii machine gun.

Hooch, you're a bad, bad dog.

come on, ladies, shake a tail-feather.

You can "paint and pluck" in the back of the rv.

I thought you were getting a room at the casino.

Not just a room, my friend... the presidential suite.

That's three beds, a wet bar and two and a half crappers.

Then why you renting the mobile home?

Well, the casino is right on the Illinois-Indiana border

and I have some business that requires wheels,

cargo space and temperature control.

You back to selling expired meat

out of the trunk of your car again?

Before we continue this conversation,

am I talking to Mike the cop

or Mike, the lovable lump who can keep a secret?

Hey, forget it. Don't tell me.

I don't want to make myself an accessory.

Don't worry, it's not illegal.

At least not in Indiana.

You' bringing back fireworks?

How are you not a detective?

Well, the written test really thins the herd.

I got a connection who gets 'em directly from Shanghai.

And not just firecrackers and bottle rockets.

We're talkin' those big mothers

you want to light with a six-foot punk

and another guy's arm.

Do the women-folk know they're gonna be

toodling around in a vehicle

filled with discount Asian explosives?

Hey, those broads are getting a free weekend

of jacuzzi tubs and pai gow poker.

They can put up with a little

white-knucklin' on the ride home.

All right, all packed and ready to go.

Hey, you guys are gonna have the place

all to yourselves this weekend.

Huh.

You know, you're right.

I hadn't even thought about it.

Sweetie, did you realize that we're gonna

have house to ourselves?

Well, I'll be darned.

Huh! Gee, I hope we don't get lonely.

You kids are welcome to come with us.

There's plenty of room in the rv.

No. No.

You go ahead and enjoy yourselves.

We'll manage.

We better hit the road.

The sooner we get to Indiana,

the sooner we can get the hell out of Indiana.

Molly: Have a good time. Drive safe.

Especially on the way back.

Huh!

House all to ourselves

you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Order pizza and make prank phone calls?

Yeah, baby.

I hope you enjoy this.

I don't get to cook grown-up food very often.

Oh, I'm sure it'll be great.

And even if it's inedible,

before my drive home.

Having a six-year-old boy in the house,

I find myself cooking a lot of fish sticks

and Mac and cheese shaped like little bunnies.

Oh, man, this is really good.

And not just 'cause I'm starving to death.

I factored that in.

Good to know.

And if you like my chicken piccata,

you'll love my eggs Benedict.

Oh, that sounds great.

Maybe I'll have breakfast here some time.

How about tomorrow morning?

I don't know.

Driving over here during rush hour might be kind of... oh.

Jimmy's staying at his dad's place,

so we have the whole house to ourselves.

Yeah.

Whoa!

Don't get your hopes up.

That's just a toothbrush wrapped in a pair of underwear.

You realize this entire house is now

our own little sexual bouncy castle.

I thought I was your sexual bouncy castle.

Seriously, we can do it anywhere...

the couch, the floor, the stairway...

Oh, no, we learned our lesson on those stairs.

That was like a two-person bobsled

down carpet burn Mountain.

Well, from where I was sitting, it was a fun ride.

Don't mind me, I'm not here.

I didn't see anything.

Vince, what are you doing back?

Well, we were headed up wacker drive

and I realized I forgot

my erectile encouragement medication.

Oh...!

Can't you lie and just say you forgot your wallet?

Okay, I forgot my wallet.

And my weekend won't be as enjoyable

without a good, stiff wallet.

Well, that's a mood killer, isn't it?

I could power through, if I had to.

I appreciate you being so patient with me, Carl.

I'm sure most women don't make you wait this long.

Mm. That's no problem.

I stood in line all night for a playstation 3,

and six hours for the third Harry Potter movie,

and this is better than both of those combined.

Thank you.

I like you.

You're sweet, considerate and you make me laugh.

I am a funny man, aren't I?

You know, and it just comes naturally.

Sometimes I don't even know why people are laughing.

See, like that right there.

I have no idea what tickled you.

It's my ex.

Hey, James, what's up?

Yeah, put him on the phone.

My son wants to say good night.

Oh.

Hey, little man.

You're up past your bedtime.

Well, ask daddy to read you a story.

Really?

And you still can't sleep?

You want mommy to sing to you?

This'll just take a minute.

Ah, that's no worries.

Okay, baby.

Sleep well.

Mama loves you

she always will.

Are you crying?

I can't help it.

I'm a sucker for '70s soul.

If you started singing "papa was a rolling stone,"

I'd be a puddle right now.

I'm fine. No, I'm fine.

Big man look sexy.

Mama like.

You know what, I feel kinda sexy.

These silk pajamas are like little butterfly kisses

all over my body.

You know what else is like

little butterfly kisses all over your body?

What? Little butterfly kisses all over your body.

Oh, my God... I can't concentrate

with that doorbell.

Should I put a pillow over your head?

Oh, my gosh... Just pretend we're waiting in line at the deli.

Answer the door.

Fine.

Order me the brisket.