I Feel Bad

I love taking the kids to the mall.

There's something for everyone.

Mama likes to get her samples on.

Just taking some for a friend.

Thank you.

Lily likes getting sucked in by the kiosk carneys.

And there's one little guy

who just loves going on the kiddie rides.

Sadly, it's not this little guy.

It's that one.

Lately, every time we come to the mall,

Louie insists on riding the kiddie rides with the four-year-olds.

But you know what?

I'd never be embarrassed by my own child.

Your kid still likes the baby rides, huh?

That's not my kid. Nope.

Yep, another great day at the mall with my two kids.

Babe, do you think Louie's immature?

'Cause I'm thinking maybe we coddle him too much.

What? We do not coddle him.

I don't know, I mean, we help him dress in the morning,

he still gets special kid's food,

and he still needs a Cheerio in the toilet bowl

to know where to aim.

Okay, remember what happened when we took the Cheerio away?

Soaked the hand towels.

He somehow peed behind himself.

All the more reason

that he needs to grow up and do stuff for himself.

What nonsense are you talking?

Louie is such a sweet, innocent boy.

Why do you want to rush him

to grow into a disgusting pervert man

with hair and sounds?

I mean, so he can pee without cereal.

Is that so much to ask?

You know, actually, Mommy's right.

Let Louie be young.

Childhood goes by so fast.

Mine was such fun,

until I saw that woman get hit by the rickshaw scooter.

Oh, God, that's terr...

Not finished.

She ricocheted onto the railway track.

They tried to pull her out,

but the train was coming too fast.

Bing, bang, boom, childhood over.

Ooh, come to papa.

I hate it when my family doesn't just agree with me.

But maybe I was stressing over nothing.

Also, someday, my dad needs therapy.

Gin.

Hey.

When you were kids,

when did your mom stop coddling you?

Oh, well, my mum used to let me sleep in her bed

until I was a teenager.

Even now, whenever I go home for a visit,

we have a little cuddle.

Sorry, did you say "cuddle" or "coddle"?

It just became irrelevant.

Well, my mom did not coddle me, mm-mm.

No, she's actually pretty strict.

Yeah, she loads up my debit card

and if I spend all that,

ooh, it is too bad until next week.

That's not strict.

Mm-mm, that boy ain't right.

Bye, Mom, bye, Mama.

I love each of you the most.

- Aw. - Bye, catch you two later.

I love you more, I do.

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Okay, I don't even need to ask you, Norman.

You talk to your moms way too often.

For your information,

I talk to them once a day.

But sometimes for ten hours.

So your iPad is essentially a baby monitor?

Are these highly personal questions leading to a point?

Yes, if I don't stop coddling Louie,

he's going to turn into some sort of adult baby man

like you guys.

I haven't worn a diaper since Coachella.

Yeah, I'm not a baby.

You're a baby.

I am green.

Oh, God.

I couldn't let Louie turn into them.

I knew what I needed to do.

David and I embarked on Operation Grow Louie the Eff Up

So He Doesn't Become an Eff Up.

Our plan was simple:

Bribe Louie with cash to get him to do what we want.

I like baths!

It's like swimming without all the sun!

Time to graduate to a big boy shower.

Text me if you need help!

Agh!

Mission accomplished.

Hey.

Nice work, buddy.

Good boy. Boom.

I didn't get paid to grow up.

The gender pay gap starts young.

Welcome to my world, sunshine.

That's ugly. Wow, he missed a spot.

Yeah, no, I'll get it.

Our next task was making Louie dress himself for school.

Oh, no.

Lou, wow.

Oh, honey, he looks just like Lily Tomlin.

Please let me make some adjustments.

Nope, nope, no, no, no, no.

BRB, gotta hit the boys' room.

Please don't pee on the seat.

I think I should give him one last Cheerio.

Think of the hand towels.

It did not go well.

No one said it would be easy.

Keep 'em coming.

Oh, mother!

I just sat in quite a bit of urine.

Okay, honey, I believe in you.

No training wheels.

Come on, you got this.

You got it.

- Yes. Yep. - Oh yeah.

- Yep! - Oh, we're doing it!

Yeah! Yes!

- He's doing it! - Yes, yes!

- He's doing it! - Yeah!

Whoa!

Oh, no.

Well, almost did it.

- Oh. - Almost.

Little did I know,

Operation Grow the Eff Up

would inspire these eff ups to do the same thing.

Do you guys think Emet's right?

- Are we adult babies? - I hope not.

There's nothing sexy about being an adult baby,

apart from some rather unsavory porn sites.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe our dependence on our moms

is why we can't sustain mature relationships with women.

Dude, if my mom is the reason I'm not getting laid, then who needs her?

So what do we do?

Mom cleanse.

No moms for a week.

Hmm.

Yeah, I can do that.

I can quit anything for a week.

Except for my meds.

Yeah, I have to taper those slowly.

Otherwise I'll just end up

accidentally driving my car into another Denny's.

I love Denny's.

Finally, two weeks and $47 later...

Yes!

Success!

- Yes! - Aw!

That is my child!

Grown up chicken for one.

Ah, smells divine.

Why did I ever need you in nugget form?

- Bullseye! -

And just like that, no more pee Cheerios.

Okay, Louie.

One of the perks of being a grown up

is you get to spend your money on anything you want, okay?

Just not guns.

Okay, sweetie?

Don't buy anything that could put me in the news, okay?

- Thanks. - Go get 'em.

Aw.

Our little boy's buying a baseball cap!

Well, I know you love that.

Hey, why is he getting all those quarters?

- Wait. - What's happening?

What?

There he goes.

Are you kidding me?

I thought we were making progress.

Is he ever gonna grow up?

Oh. I think he has.

Oh, no. No, I don't like this at all.

Oh, my God.

How did I never notice what Louie was looking at?

It's not the kiddie ride he likes.

It's the big boy view.

He is riding that Mr. Caterpillar

right into puberty.

I want my dollars back.

I thought Louie had to grow up.

But apparently that's happening. .

So now we better hurry and catch up.

That little guy is ready for boobies?

How could I miss this?

Okay, he did wear a cape to school.