It's Only Money

Lester!

You idiot, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm OK, Mr. Flint.

Would you mind... Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you doing up there?

Wait, one second.

It was a little accident, just get my...

- Could you get... - Easy...

- Just help my legs. - Yeah.

Wait, bring my body with it 'cause it's all connected.

Could you just bring... Come forward, just...

- That's it. Oh, wait one second. - I just...

OK, all right. Now, if you just take me...

All right, just get off already!

Walk me over to the counter, because I'll fall.

Wait... Wait, my leg. I need that.

- Your leg? - Yeah, it matches the other one.

- Oh... - What happened?

I was working on a TV set,

and I walked into an unfriendly transistor cap,

- And... - It wasn't my set, was it?

Oh no! Your set is fixed, it's perfect.

It's like brand... new.

And it's $8.50 that you owe me, parts included.

$8.50? What was wrong with it?

Well, you see, your patterns were dropping.

Uh, Mr. Flint, you see, you have a transistor head,

a magneto plug with your input jack

which resuscitates most of the volume.

By hitting the fine tuner, you take the rabbit ears,

or whatever animal you choose...

Ha! And of course, you press it,

and insure the picture locking in rather than wavelengths,

you know what I mean? The UHF has a consistency

that's all dependant upon the transistor heads.

You want to pay cash or money order?

Quiet, will you? Will I get a clear picture now?

Will you get a clear picture?

No... Yes, I was only fooling,

because it's all fixed like I said.

Here, The Late Late Show will never look younger.

Watch this.

Is that a clear picture?

Huh, Mr. Flint? That's really clear,

I always thought that guy was Japanese.

That ain't bad for $8.50, including the parts.

- Quiet, turn up the sound. - Yeah.

Now, the local news.

In a week, it will be the first anniversary

of the death of electronics tycoon, Charles P. Albright,

often referred to as the father of television...

$16.75 was the last job that I did for you, you know that?

Look, will you shut up? I want to hear this.

Yeah, I will.

In his will, Albright left his multi-million dollar estate to his only son,

Charles Jr., who hasn't been seen

since his mother ran off with the baby 25 years ago.

You know, for $16.75 from the old job,

and $8.50 now, that's only 25...

Will you shut up and listen to this?

I didn't add it good anyhow.

According to the terms of the will,

unless the missing son was found within a year after his father's death,

the estate will go to Albright's spinster sister, Cecilia.

She is seen here with her fiance and attorney,

Gregory DeWitt, at a press conference today.

I am offering a reward to anyone, everyone,

to help find my long lost missing nephew.

The reward will be $100,000.

A 100,000 bucks?

I gotta find that kid, I just gotta.

You could do it too, Mr. Flint.

I mean, with a $100,000...

then if you've got that kind of money,

you maybe could make a little down payment on a bill you owe me.

Will you shut up, kid? I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

I only got a week to do it, I've got to work fast.

Oh, you can do it, Mr. Flint.

You're the best private eye shamus in the whole world.

I knew it the first day you came into my TV store with your seven inch set.

That was the day I said I was going to be your idol,

that I'm your fan.

- That you're my idol. - You're bugging me, kid.

Well, I don't mean to do no bad things,

but I wanted to be a shamus private eye just like you.

I've been studying on it and everything,

I've been reading research books on how to be the

best private eye with a shamus badge.

I'll... I've got books here that I've been studying

to be just like you, Mr. Flint.

See, I've been studying all about this and, and...

all of the research here. Kiss the Blood Off of My Neck,

and The Corpse Came Gift Wrapped,

it was a warm, tender, embracing part.

And The Haunted Fallout Shelter...

Oh boy, did they get theirs.

The Nose Cone Caper, where they...

It was like The Fallout.

And The Case of the Homicidal Homing Pigeon,

where he had little... pellets out of the wings

and boom, 1,400 people got it.

Death Takes A Coffee Break, with or without sugar.

And The Bullet Proof Bikini, that's a good... I like that.

Forget it, kid. You ain't cut out to be a detective.

Ah, please, Mr. Flint. Give me a chance.

Let me be your assistant shamus.

We can be like the Three Musketeers minus one.

All for each, and two for... Oh, don't shoot.

I'm too tall to hurt. Oh please, don't pull no things...

So, you want to be a private detective, huh?

Yeah, but don't hurt...

Look, kid, a good detective would've taken the gun away from me.

But look at you. No guts.

No, my guts just wasn't ready.

I'll rev them up and they'll really sparkle.

Forget it. You ain't got it, kid.

Stick with wrastling the TV sets.

I ain't got it, Jocko.

I give this guy one, two, three. Break that head.

Ain't got it, huh? You're going to get yours, eh?

I'll show you who's got guts. I'll just take that gun away...

What? What? Wait a minute. What are you doing, you nut?

You want to kill somebody?

I'll show you who's got guts.

Damn it! Get away from me, will ya?

It's only wounded, Mr. Flint. You could have it fixed in a jiffy.

Open the trunk and take the spare tire out.

Take out a jack also, and you take the lugs off the tire,

and take off the old bad and put on a new good.

And tighten the lugs and it's on...

It's not long...

You belong to the Automobile Club?

A bus passes here a lot, or you can take a shuttle train.

I'm... I'll deliver your TV set tomorrow, Mr. Flint.

Mr. Flint?

Mr. Flint? It's me, Lester.

Your television person.

Psst... Psst... Mr. Flint?

Your TV...

Hey bird.

Tch! Get out of there!

Shh! Shoo, bird!

Hey, bird?

This is not an easy... Hey.

Did you ever see such a bird?

Hey bird...

...if you have a message for me, deliver it and get out of here.

You're not helping me, bird.

Bird... Well, at least give me a hand.

Bird!

Bye, bird.

There's a window there.

See... Copper!

No, I'm a copper.

All right, come on out of there.

Help me. Please, you must help me.

- Help you, what? - I'm desperate!

And I'm so defenseless. My husband wants to kill me!

He doesn't love me anymore!

Maybe he's tired.

Will you cut it out, lady. I haven't got a license to practice.

I love private investigators.

I want you to investigate me.

I'm not a private investigator.

- You want Pete Flint. - You're not Pete Flint?

No, but I could fix your TV set.

Sex maniac!

Oh, oh...

Oh, oh now.

- Oh, Mr. Flint, I fixed... - Don't bother me, kid. I've got problems.

How you doing on the Albright caper, Mr. Flint?

Beat it, will you, kid? Let me have my breakfast.

Uh, did you go out to the Albright house?

- I mean, did you go there? - Yeah, I went.

Yeah? Does the inside look electronic like they say and all that?

They wouldn't let me past the front gate.

How come? Didn't they know who you was...?

- The gates are run by remote control. - Remote control?

They got them rigged with some kind of intercom and closed circuit TV...

I told the butler I was a private investigator,

I even showed him my badge.

Yeah, you flashed your buzzer at him.

- I told him I wanted to talk to the sister. - The dame.

- Or the lawyer. - Or the mouthpiece.

- Said I wanted to work on the case. - On the caper...

He said they don't like private detectives...

- Shamus's, they hate them all. - Sent me on my way.

- Yeah, they kissed you off. - Will you shut up

with that idiot television talk?

Well, I was just trying to help, that's all.

There's something fishy going on here.

Yeah, I was thinking...

Why would they offer a hundred grand reward

to find the missing heir if they didn't want nobody butting in?

- Yeah, why would they do that? - They're hiding something.

Hiding something. Yeah, they must be.

I sure wish I could figure out a way to get through

those front gates and see what's going on.

Yeah, you got to get in there and case the joint.

The front gates. How can you figure a way to beat that?