Two and a Half Men

I'm sure she's a lovely girl, Mom,

but I have a strict policy against blind dates.

Yes, I know I'm not God's gift to women, but, nevertheless...

Oh, come on. How do you know

what she can suck through a garden hose?

Doesn't matter. The policy stands.

Okay, bye.

You know, while I applaud

your blind date policy,

I would encourage you

to consider a garden hose exemption.

I'm sorry, but you remember

the last time I let Mom fix me up.

Oh, yeah. The enema freak.

She was a colonic irrigation therapist.

Tomato, tomahto...

You still wound up

with five gallons of coffee up your keister.

Not a pleasant memory.

I can't remember it without chuckling.

These days, they'll open a Starbucks anywhere.

Are you done?

No. Wait. One more.

You had the venti nonfat "crappuccino"...

...with extra foam.

Mmm.

Okay, I'm done.

So what's wrong with the TV?

I don't know. I think that storm last night

messed up the satellite dish.

I'll call the guy on Monday.

That's your answer for everything.

"Call the guy."

Not for everything.

Often, I'll call the girl.

Course, there was the one time

that the girl turned out to be the guy.

Needless to say, I got a full cash refund.

Well, you don't have to call the guy this time.

You just have to adjust the dish till the signal clears up.

Which is what the guy will do on Monday.

But Jake is coming tonight.

Do you really want to listen

to him complain about the TV all weekend?

I can deal with Jake.

It's your whining that makes me want to hang myself.

Come on. Help me get the ladder.

I'll go up on the roof,

and we'll fix it in five minutes.

I have a ladder?

How did I get a ladder?

For the life of me,

I can't remember buying a ladder.

Well, apparently, you did.

But why? And how did I get it home?

I really couldn't tell you.

Did I rent a truck?

Who knows?

I'm telling you, we got a real mystery on our hands.

Yeah. It's a puzzler.

I'm going to go up and adjust the dish,

and you go look at the TV

and tell me when the picture improves.

All right.

I still think we should call the guy.

Forget the guy!

I'm the guy!

Charlie!

Yeah?!

There's a pair of panties up here.

Of course. The ladder.

Alan, mystery solved!

What?

Never mind.

Focus on the job at hand.

Are you watching the TV?

Yes.

How's it look now?

It's a little better.

How about now?

No. That's worse.

Move it the other way.

What?

There, there, there!

That's perfect!

What?!

I said, that's perfect!

Great! I'm coming down!

Did you say something?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

I told you.

We should have called the guy.

Aw. You want to flip me the bird,

but the poor little fella can't fly.

Just help me lie down.

There is a bright side here, you know.

Oh, really? Really? And what might the bright side be?

Handicapped parking?

Pity sex?

Oh, I can see there's going

to be no talking to you about this.

Oh, oh. Do me a favor,

and call Judith and tell her

not to bring Jake over.

How come?

Look at me, Charlie.

I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck,

two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills.

Does that spell "Weekend Dad" to you?

Well, actually, to me,

it spells "Weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts."

But that's a whole other story.

Look, I got no plans for the weekend.

I could take care of Jake.

Bangkok?

It was the '80s.

A simpler time.

The dollar was strong.

Come on.

I was kind of looking forward to hanging out

with the little knucklehead. Let him come over.

But I'm not going to be able to help you.

What are you going to do all weekend?

I don't know. Hey, maybe I'll get a chute.

We could play chutes and ladders.

See, that's why I want Jake here.

He has a sense of humor.

Well, all right.

If... if you think you can handle it.

Don't worry. I got everything covered.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Is there anything I can do for you now?

Well, I got to pee.

Yeah. So?

So I can't undo my pants or... anything.

Where are we headed with this, Alan?

You said you'd help me.

I was thinking more like I could make you a sandwich.

Charlie... Hey, hey, hey.

I am not reaching into your pants.

What am I supposed to do?

Go stand in the surf.

Oh, come on.

Grow up.

Where are you going?

To the bathroom. Now, come on and unzip me.

Just like that? Right to it?

No dinner? No movie?

Charlie!

Hold on!

Coming!

* Men

Ah... ah... ah-choo!

Holy God!

Charlie?

Can you get the door?

Charlie?

Hang on!

Charlie!

Oh, great.

I think I just punctured a lung.

: "Don't worry, Alan.

I've got everything covered."

I'm coming!

Ow!

You need to start your report this weekend!

Why? It's not due till next Wednesday!

I have plenty of time.

That's what you said last time.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

I think you're getting senile.

Watch your mouth, young man.

I can't watch it.

It's under my nose.

Uh... hello.

What happened to you?

Well, most recently,

I was hit in the head by a door.

But, before that, I was fixing

the satellite dish on the roof

and I kind of fell.

Why didn't you just call the guy?

Well, for God's sake, Alan,

how do you intend to look after him this weekend?

I am in excruciating pain,

but I appreciate your concern.

Oh. Well, you could have picked up a phone

and given me a heads-up.

Pick up the phone?

Judith, I needed barbecue tongs to take a leak.

Can you look after Jake or not?

Well, Charlie said he'd look after him.

Oh, like hell he will.

There is no way I'm going to let your degenerate brother

be responsible for my son.

Oh, sure.

Don't ask me what I want.

Just boss me around like you're my boss or something.