Class of Nuke 'Em High 3: The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid

Are we rolling?

No.

We're almost ready.

Roll the cameras already.

This is live television.

Rolling.

This is Tromaville Student Television,

reporting live on location.

A giant squirrel is attacking the nuclear power plant

at the Tromaville Institute of Technology.

The military and the National Guard

have been completely useless against the rampaging

rodent's destructive force.

Nuclear disaster has struck again on the site

where Tromaville high school was blown off the face of the Earth

just the few short years ago.

It is the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed.

The school, the campus, the nuclear power

plant... it's all gone.

All that we hold dear.

The video game room has been destroyed.

Oh, the horror!

Oh, the humanity!

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

I can't go on.

I...

Oh, God.

I'm melting!

I'm melting!

He's a subhumanoid.

He's melting down.

I'm melting down.

Help!

I'm melting.

Oh, what a world.

Forget him.

We've gotta report the news.

OK, ready?

Still rolling!

ANGEL FINKLESTEINGet that dog outta here!

This is Angel Finklestein, reporting to you live

from the Tromaville Institute of Technology,

where a giant, mutated squirrel is

about to destroy the Tromaville Nuclear Powerplant.

Oh my, I'm melted down.

You may recall the same nuclear power

plant was destroyed once before in the 1984 Troma

movie, Class of Nuke 'Em High.

That was one of my favorite Troma movies,

lots of melon-heavy breath.

It was then rebuilt by the Nukemama Corporation

as part of the new Tromaville Institute of Technology campus

in the movie Subhumanoid Meltdown:

Class of Nuke 'Em High Part II.

Hey, Angel.

I like your style.

Have you ever had a night of wild passion

with a gob of green goo?

What do you say?

After the broadcast, me and you get together?

I'll take that as a no.

As you can see, the giant mutated squirrel

is not the only problem plaguing campus today.

Apparently, an evil experiment gone bad

is causing a secret race of subhumanoid students

to melt down into gobs of green...

This is Susie Schwartz, reporting live, filling in

for Angel Finklestein, dead, reporting to you

on the campus of Tromaville Tech.

Oh, my God.

This is awful.

Read it out loud, you bimbo.

This just in... a military helicopter

has been dispatched from the Tromaville Air Force Base

to meet this mother of all squirrels.

And it's on it's way here right now.

The copter is carrying a radioactive, rodent-seeking

patriot missile, which has been disguised

to look like a giant acorn.

Base to Tromaville One, watch yourself.

He looks like my mother-in-law.

Tromaville One to Base, it's much worse

than we ever expected.

He... he's doing the frug.

Oh, no, he's also got good rhythm.

For once, the military's plan seems to be working.

The giant squirrel is following the acorn.

Tromaville One to Base.

I've got the decoy in place.

He's just about to grab it.

By the way, Tromaville One, you're

going to be a national military hero the minute

he grabs that patriot missile.

What patriot missile?

ADLAI SMITH (VOICEOVER): That's me, Adlai Smith.

I am a third-generation subhumanoid.

I am the only honor student to be created from the mating

of a human and a subhumanoid.

And soon I'll be two years old.

You're probably asking yourself how I, in only two years,

can be full grown.

Well, I'm the offspring of a human father

and a subhumanoid mother.

And one thing about subhumanoids is

that we grow from infancy to post adolescence

in little more than 18 months.

And we do a lot of push ups.

Like everyone else, my story, and my problems,

started with my father, one Roger Smith

who looks exactly like me.

My father was a typical student at the Tromaville

Institute of Technology way back before I

was born, two years ago.

Dad loved Tromaville Tech, which had been constructed

by the Nukemama Corporation inside of the Tromaville

nuclear power plant.

My father was one of the greatest

student reporters in the history of the Tromaville Tech Times.

Brilliant.

ADLAI SMITH (VOICEOVER): While doing a routine news story,

he stumbled onto a nefarious conspiracy

to create a mindless subservient race of second-class citizens

called subhumanoids.

This biogenetic obscenity was the horrendous plot

of the Nukemama Corporation.

It was also the horrendous plot of Class

of Nuke 'Em High: Part II.

The subhumanoids were genetically designed and bred

to perform human beings' unpleasant chores

and undesirable functions, such as fighting wars in miserable

third world countries, and cleaning

offices, and disposing of unrecyclable non-deposit glass

bottles.

More important, these subhumanoids

worked for peanuts, and therefore

brought the Nukemama Corporation gross revenues,

which were huge.

The obvious difference between humans and subhumanoids

was the extra set of lips where their belly buttons should be.

One of these subhumanoids was my mother.

Subhumanoids were unable to produce

their own offspring by mating with each other,

although they enjoyed trying.

In order to have a baby, a subhumanoid

had to mate with a human.

So the Nukemama Corporation, in its greed

to create more and more subhumanoid babies,

manipulated the good students of Tromaville Tech

into fornicating with the subhumanoids.

And that's how my mom and dad met.

My mother and father, in spite of being victims

of an evil, cynical, and obscene money-grubbing experiment,

fell head over heels in love.

While dad was getting used to mom's subhumanoid lips,

problems were developing with the Nukemama Corporation's

subhumanoid baby program.

Everything seemed like a piece of cake,

but it was really a mess.

It was soon revealed that the subhumanoids were unstable.

And after six months, they began melting down

into disgusting gobs of green goo, which

were gross, but kind of cute and would make great toys for kids.

And adults liked them too.

The creator of the subhumanoids was the brilliant,

but misguided Professor Melvina Holt.

And she desperately tried to develop an antidote

to the meltdown syndrome.

Unfortunately, because of negligence in disposing

of the hideously-toxic meltdown byproduct,

one of the good squirrels of Tromaville mutated

into a giant, disgusting, belching, farting, urinating,

monster squirrel, which began destroying the Tromaville

Institute of Technology and its state-of-the-art student-run

nuclear power facility.

Unfortunately, the mutant monster squirrel

annihilated a lot of Tromavillians,

including many of the principal actors in Class

of Nuke 'Em High: Part II.

Fortunately, those annihilated included

the sadistic gang leader, Yolk.

Unfortunately, Yolk's more handsome, but less

intellectually brilliant younger sibling, Little Egg White,

survived to take over the gang.

Fortunately, it turned out Professor Holt

did indeed create an antidote to the subhumanoid meltdown

syndrome.

Unfortunately, the miscreant mutant squirrel thought

Professor Holt was his mommy.

Mommy, Mommy.

I'm not your mother!

You're not?

Oh.

ADLAI SMITH (VOICEOVER): Fortunately, my father

got the antidote from Professor Holt

and was able to give it to my mother.

What my parents didn't know was that they weren't the only ones

to survive the destruction.

Miraculously, Professor Holt crawled through the rubble,

back to the subterranean chambers

beneath the main nuclear reactor core,