Alma's Not Normal

Look at the state of her.

- You look like a twat. - Ta very much.

Just tell me which door, lovey, cos I'm late now for my restart

- interview, it's any second. - That door behind you.

Oh, my God, it's like The Crystal Maze round here.

That's fine. Great. Ooh.

Different vibe.

Too hot.

It's my own fault for cycling in fur.

Fake fur. I didn't kill a flamingo.

I was panicking about the time,

I had the fur on, I just got very flustered.

But...

What are you in for? Are you looking for a job?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, there's no cups.

Alma Nuthall.

Yes, just one second.

I've got to be honest, Carol,

I've got no qualifications or job experience,

but I've got pizzazz, I've got charisma,

and I think outside the box.

I'm also capable of being in the box at the same time. I can do both.

- If you know what I mean. - Not really, no.

Why don't you have any qualifications?

The truth is, for the first seven years of my life I didn't even go to school.

I had my own key by the age of five.

Fed myself, clothed myself,

ran my own schedule.

Think Mowgli with a mullet.

Ta, Pete.

Think the baby from Trainspotting.

If she'd lived.

I was just never much of an academic.

So what job experience have you got?

Well, I actually want to be an actress.

What job experience have you got?

My boyfriend had his own business and I used to help him out.

But he recently left me, Carol.

For a younger, not hotter, thank you, but younger woman.

- Has that ever happened to you? - No, it hasn't.

Do you know what, I can tell you, it's absolutely shit, Carol.

He left me knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to cover my rent this month.

- Right, let's get back on track, eh? - Yes.

Your one looks nice.

Safe.

Meaty.

You see, you've got your own weird shit going on,

clearly, and you've found someone who digs it.

That's what I need.

Somebody who actually embraces my quirks.

I'm sorry that you've had adifficult time.

Our plan here is to get you back on track.

Yes. And that's what I want.

I just want to throw myself into a career.

Forget men, I'm a career woman now.

Here we go.

- I have a job match for you. - Fabulous.

Sandwich artist at Sub and Go.

Sandwich artist? What am I doing, painting the sandwiches?

No, making the sandwiches, using a till, dealing with customers.

- That's not what I want to do. - You don't have many options, love.

Well, actually, that's about to change, Carol.

I've just had an audition and it felt very promising, I'll have you know.

To stay on JSA, you need to be actively seeking work, Miss Nuthall.

Shall I put in an expression of interest?

Shit.

Mate, is everything OK?

Don't talk to me, Adnan, I'm not here.

- What? - Not here.

- So do you still want the..? - Sh-sh-sh-sh.

Excuse me, mate. Have you got any decks?

- Yeah, just to the right, by the window. - Nice one.

- Alma. - Oh, shit.

This is the prick who left me.

I met him at a bus stop when I was 15, thought he'd bring me the moon.

Turned out he could only just spell it.

What the fuck are you doing?

I was just, erm, looking at these.

- Jack leads? - Yeah.

For my...

- For my... - Amp.

Amp, yeah. I've got an amp now.

- You're fucking weird, you, you know. - Oh, piss off.

Anyway, you're the one who should be hiding.

- So you were hiding. - You owe me money.

Fuck off. You're just jealous cos I'm finally happy.

Oh, yeah. If happiness is shagging a teenager

and moving back in with your mum, then you're very welcome to it.

Don't worry, Alma, love. I'll shag you if you're desperate.

Fuck off, you fat fuck.

How am I supposed to pay my rent this month?

It's not my problem any more.

Lovely.

Do you do store credit, Adnan?

Quick, get in.

This is Grandma Joan,

a Silk Cut-smoking, vodka-drinking, animal print-loving whirlwind.

I went to live with Joan after a stint in foster care.

She'd just got divorced and chucked out the iron.

She went to uni that year and discovered feminism.

I say "feminism" I mean that in a very '90s way.

She said the words "cock" and "patriarchy" a lot.

The first thing she said to me when I arrived was...

Don't waste your life ironing a man's clothes, Alma.

His creases'll drop out but your wrinkles won't.

I was eight.

Fried Spam on the go.

Just seen Anthony. Shouting at me in the middle of a shop, can you believe that?

Yes, I can, he's a fuck.

Oh, this Spam is fabulous.

Aldi's own.

Do you know, I wake up craving it.

It calls my name from the kitchen cupboard,

"Joan, Joan..." Oh, God, look at the state of me.

- Starting to look like Nicolas Cage. - No.

Just a bit droopy here.

Sod off.

The rest of your skin's dead fresh.

Yeah, I know. I read an article about the benefits of steam rooms

on your skin, so every morning I've started sticking me head in the kettle.

I don't think that's the same, Grandma.

I've lost years round me eyes, look.

Right.

I'm going to see Mum today.

You can always come with me.

Don't start.

She's really struggling, Grandma.

- I think she really needs us. - Yeah, and what about what I need?

- Nobody cares about that, do they? - All right, chill out.

No, she stole the best years of my life, your mother.

Has she ever apologised? Has she fuck.

I don't want to talk about it.

- How's her ears? - What?

Well, they get very cold, don't they?

They stick out too much, that's why.

Oh, yeah. I think they're fine, Grandma.

Good.

Well, let's leave it at that, then.

- Can I pinch a fag? - 80p.

I don't have 80p, I'm skint.

It's about time you got a proper job. I've worked all my life,

always on me feet. I've got bunions the size of me fist.

I don't want to go into your bunions right now.

Dreaming's not going to get you anywhere.

That's not going to put Spam on the table, is it?

This is my best mate, Leanne.

She came to Bolton for a fling she met online

but ended up staying because the locals can't get enough of her.

They find my accent exotic.

She has the mannerisms of a truck driver

and the rock and roll sex appeal of Debbie Harry.

It's quite something. She's never without a shag.

Bill, I'm going for a fag.

Crack on with the mallet, mate, my arm's ragging.

You've already had your break.

Don't be a dick. Be back in a minute.

I'm your boss, remember?

Fuck's sake.

All right.

What is that?

Can I leave it here? It keeps falling off me bike.

You need to watch your spending, you. You got a problem.

No, I don't.

Why don't you leave it next to your trampoline?

It's not a trampoline,

it's a Fit Bounce Pro.

Very good for getting fit.

Athletes use them.

So listen, I need to...

I do need to use it more, though, don't I?

Use it more? You used it once.

I should just use it when I pop round.

A sort of tone up and a chat session.

What's going on with you? You're in one of your manic moods.

I'm not in a manic mood. No, I'm in a thoughtful mood.

I'm thinking, "Oh, I've got no job,

"no boyfriend, a flat I can't afford,

"a trampoline I don't bounce on

"and a boom box I don't need."

But I'm fine. I am absolutely...

I'm absolutely fine.

I think it's my audition.

Right, OK.

Hello?

Yes, this is I.

Right, yes. Yeah, for the...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Didn't get it.

That's proper shit, I'm sorry, babe.

I'm destined for a life of bunions, Leanne.

And I'm fucking skint as well.

Fuck's sake, Alma.

You need to get some money off Anthony to tide you over.

- He owes you after running off like that. - Yeah.