Black Widows

MY NAME IS DARCY.

AND THIS, IS THE END.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

SHE HAS THE CUTE GUY.

SO LIFE MUST BE PRETTY GREAT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY SOME OF MINE?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I USED TO BELIEVE THAT.

I USED TO THINK THAT UP UNTIL YOU FOUND YOUR SOUL MATE,

-NOTHING WAS REALLY COMPLETE. -THIS IS TO DIE FOR.

BUT, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE GUYS AT ALL.

IN FACT, FUCK GUYS.

IT'S ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS.

YOU'RE GONNA CALL ME A MAN-HATER.

BUT THAT COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

I LOVE MEN.

IF ANYTHING, I LOVE THEM TOO MUCH.

AND THAT'S WHAT GOT ME INTO TROUBLE.

I REALLY WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME.

BUT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND,

WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING.

- - I'VE NEVER HAD THE BEST OF LUCK WITH MEN.

BUT, IF I'M BEING TRUTHFUL WITH MYSELF,

THAT'S PROBABLY MY FAULT.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME, BRINGING FLOWERS TO MY BOYFRIEND

ON OUR ANNIVERSARY.

SUCKER.

I WAS SWEET, NAIVE,

AND MAYBE JUST A LITTLE BIT STUPID.

THAT'S WHY IN LIFE,

YOU NEED SOMEONE TO COME IN

AND GIVE YOU A BIG DOSE OF REALITY.

WHAT THE FUCK?

UH, WHY AREN'T YOU AT WORK?

WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD.

I WAS HOPING TO BE CLOTHED WHEN I FINALLY MET YOU.

EXCUSE ME?

WELL, THERE'S PICTURES OF YOU IN THE LIVING ROOM,

AND, I WAS ALMOST JEALOUS,

BUT JEREMY EXPLAINED THAT YOU'RE HIS SISTER.

AND YOU'RE-- YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

-SHE'S UM-- -I'M HIS GIRLFRIEND.

I CAN'T BLAME HER FOR GIVING ME THE CRAZY EYES.

I'D PROBABLY DO THE SAME THING.

-BABY, IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE-- -BABY?

YEAH, RIGHT? THREE MONTHS?

HOW ABOUT THREE YEARS?

YOU'RE NOT HIS SISTER.

THIS IS JUST A ONE TIME THING, I DON'T-- I BARELY KNOW HER.

I-- KATE, HONESTLY, IT WAS JUST THIS ONE TIME

I-- IT WAS JUST ONE TIME. IT WAS A MISTAKE,

I MADE A MISTAKE.

WHAT, WELL, YOU COULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN SOMEBODY BETTER?

BABY, NO ONE'S BETTER THAN YOU, RIGHT?

-I MEAN, LOOK AT HER, SHE'S A BIT PORKY, DON'T YOU THINK? -HEY.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT-- -

- THIS IS SO HUMILIATING! -

AND THAT WAS MY FIRST THREESOME.

* SEE YOUR HEART BEAT THROUGH YOUR CHEST *

* AND I FEEL LIKE I'M YOUR PREY *

* YOU'VE GOT ME BY THE NECK *

* AND I DON'T WANNA GET AWAY... *

DOES SHE KNOW YOU'RE TALKING TO ME?

IN MY LIFE, NORA WAS THE BIG SISTER.

THEATRICALLY OVER-PROTECTIVE.

I JUST DON'T REALLY KNOW IF POLYAMOROUS IS MY THING.

IF THAT'S THE WORD.

UM, YEAH, I GUESS I COULD DO DINNER,

WITH BOTH OF YOU, ON SATUR-- OW--

NO, WHY ARE YOU EVEN CALLING HER?

YOU ARE NOT MAN ENOUGH FOR ONE WOMAN,

MUCH LESS TWO, OR TWENTY, OR WHATEVER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, "BIG LOVE"?

YOU CAN'T HAVE A MILLION GIRLFRIENDS.

LEAVE DARCY ALONE, ALL RIGHT?

SHE'S WAY BETTER THAN YOU.

CONSIDER YOURSELF BLOCKED.

BYE.

-TRADE? -YEAH.

OKAY.

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY BLOCK HIM.

REALLY? THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU DESERVE A LOT BETTER THAN THAT.

REALLY? ANOTHER DUD?

THE LAST GUY WAS LITERALLY TINDERING DURING DINNER.

WHY CAN'T WE JUST PICK FOR HER?

THAT'S STRIKE THREE, NORA.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.

REALLY? 'CAUSE OF THIS?

MANAGEMENT JUST SAW THE DONUT PETITION.

I JUST SAID THAT I THINK THERE SHOULD BE DONUTS.

-NORA... -IT WAS DISCRIMINATORY TO HAVE BAGELS AND NOT DONUTS.

YOU PETITIONED THE STAFF TO GET MANAGEMENT TO BUY DONUTS.

I LIKE MY MORNING WITH FROSTING AND SPRINKLES.

LAST MONTH, IT WAS THE AMOUNT OF CREAMER OPTIONS IN HERE,

AND HOW MUCH TIME IS GIVEN FOR PATERNITY LEAVE.

I'M A WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE.

NOT ANYMORE, YOU AREN'T.

MANAGEMENT IS CONCERNED THAT YOU AREN'T AS PASSIONATE ABOUT YOUR WORK,

AS YOU ARE ABOUT THE BREAK ROOM SUPPLIES AND THE STAFF POLICY.

I'M SORRY.

HOW MANY OF THESE DO YOU THINK I CAN FIT IN MY MOUTH AT ONCE?

READY FOR MORE?

-PLEASE FIT THEM ALL IN THERE. -MMM, ROUND FOUR.

THEN THERE WAS OLIVIA.

SHE WAS MORE LIKE THE MATRIARCH OF THE GROUP.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES,

RAISE YOUR GLASSES.

HERE'S TO A NEW CHAPTER.

-CHEERS. -CHEERS.

SHE CLAIMED TO KNOW WHAT WAS BEST.

AND SHE WAS USUALLY RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT MORE ABOUT HOW YOU'RE A METROSEXUAL, 'CAUSE HE'S DEFINITELY METRO.

SHE SEEMED TO HAVE THE PERFECT LIFE.

COMPLETE WITH FRIENDS JUST LIKE HER.

-YOU CALLED HIM OUT. -YOU REVEALED ONE OF YOUR SECRETS.

YOU CALLED HIM OUT.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU, I'M NOT GONNA DRIVE,

-HE'S DRIVING. -OH.

-THIS WAS AMAZING. -IT WAS.

-THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU GUYS, FOR HAVING US. -ANYTIME.

-NEXT TIME IT'S AT OUR PLACE, OKAY? -OKAY.

NO, IT WAS A PLEASURE.

WE DON'T SEE YOU GUYS OFTEN ENOUGH.

YOU GUYS ARE SO PRECIOUS.

HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GO GOLFING AGAIN?

-MEGAN JUST BOUGHT ME A NEW DRIVER. -I'LL CALL YOU.

AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE LUNCH WHILE THESE GUYS ARE OUT.

-YOU AND ME. -I'D LIKE THAT.

-AW. -TAKE CARE.

-TAKE CARE, YOU GUYS, SEE YOU. -BYE, THANKS AGAIN.

DRIVE SAFELY.

THEY'RE SO CUTE.

HE'S SO NICE, ISN'T HE?

HE IS.

BABE, CAN YOU POUR ME A DRINK?

ARE YOU SURE YOU NEED ANOTHER ONE?

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME ASK AGAIN.

I'M JUST SAYING, I DON'T THINK YOU NEED ANOTHER DRINK.

THERE YOU GO, THINKING AGAIN.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU.

WIPE THAT LOOK OFF YOUR FACE, OR I'LL DO IT FOR YOU.

I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS WITH YOU AGAIN.

OKAY?

BUT WE ALL HAVE OUR SECRETS.

AND BACK TO THE PARENTS' HOUSE, AGAIN.

THE SECRET'S OUT.

- -THANKS.

I WISH I WAS JUST VISITING.

OW.

-LET'S GO HUSTLE. -ALL RIGHT.

HURRY, HURRY.

GOT MILK.

- -DELETE THAT, RIGHT NOW.

WE WERE A FAMILY.

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. DO YOU REMEMBER?

MY GRILL?

THEY CALLED ME "METALMOUTH" FOR YEARS.

HERE'S OLIVIA.

SOPHISTICATED, PERSONIFIED.

-AW. -NOT HERE.

WE PUT OUR FRIENDSHIP ABOVE EVERYTHING.

INCLUDING OUR LOVE LIVES.

IS THAT ANDY IN THE BACKGROUND?

OOH.

THAT'S DEFINITELY HIM.

THAT WAS THE YEAR BEFORE WE MET YOU.

BEFORE ANDY BECAME A SHIT STAIN.

-DO YOU REMEMBER THAT DAY? -NO.

I WAS SO MORTIFIED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE ANYONE BELIEVED THAT RUMOR, ANYWAYS.

LIKE I'D MAKE ANIMAL NOISES DURING SEX.

HE WAS OBVIOUSLY LYING.

THAT TAKES MORE COORDINATION THAN YOU HAVE.

TRUE, TRUE, ALL OF THE BREATHING,

AND THE MOVEMENT, AND THE BARNYARD NOISES.

WATCH OUT, OR YOU WILL WAKE UP NAKED, TIED TO A PORCH,

LIKE DEAR OLD ANDY.

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.

COCKSUCKER DESERVED IT.

MMM-HMM.

OLIVIA!

SPEAKING OF COCKSUCKERS.

HERE'S JOHNNY.

OLIVIA! OPEN THE DOOR!

OLIVIA!

COME ON BABY, LET ME IN.

I CALLED THE COPS, THEY'RE ALREADY ON THEIR WAY.

FUCK!

JUST SIGN THE DIVORCE PAPERS!

* LOVERS IN THE DUST...

OH MY GOD, SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU.

WHY? SHE'S OFFICIALLY THE WORLD'S MOST DESIRABLE BACHELORETTE NOW.

-HIKING? SHE DOESN'T HIKE. -OKAY, BUT MEN LOVE IT.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WORKOUT PANTS.

SHE'S NOT GONNA GO FOR THIS.

THIS IS AN INTERVENTION. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO LIKE IT.

YOU'RE GONNA HELP HER MEET HER MATE.