The F**k-It List

Do you ever have that dream,

where you make one dumb mistake and ruin your entire life?

Well, that's where I am right now.

Except this is real.

There is nothing I can do to stop what is about to happen.

Years of preparation, tens of thousands of hours,

all of it gone in seconds.

In this final moment...

I have one thought...

and that is...

I am so fucked!

You wanna know how I got here? I'll show you.

Security alert. Movement detected in the back yard.

-Elsa, what? - Security alert.

Movement detected in the side yard.

-Elsa, blinds! - Opening all window blinds.

No, no, no, Elsa! Blinds down! Blinds down!

Closing all window blinds. Security alert.

-Movement detected at the front door. - Elsa, shut up.

Security alert. Movement detected at the front door.

Shh!

Shit, shit, shit! Shit.

-Elsa, lights off! - Turning all lights off.

Oh, shit!

Brett! Look, ponies.

Remember? Like the third grade. But, uh, this is different.

-Yeah. That's a lot of beer, man. -Oh! Brett, you into cosplay now?

Um. Studying, actually.

Decisions are made. E-mails fly tomorrow. Yo, what is the point?

- -I don't know, it’s just-- Just--

Hey, Kayla.

-Stace, please, no social, come on. -What? But you look so--

I’m not into having a thing, guys! Seriously, okay?

You have not been any fun since like sixth grade,

except this one time with this robe.

My parents are home in 12 hours. You guys realize that, right?

Dude, that's what we were just saying.

-What? That I'm not having a thing? -No. That that gives us...

11.45 hours of pony tapping.

- Aye! -We love you too!

- Come on, Bretty! Aw! -Hey!

Come on! Okay, go, go, go!

Guy, guys, guys! Can we keep the party downstairs, please? Thank you.

-Go, go, go! -Guys, guys, guys, stop! Stop.

No, no, no. I said, no posting, Stace.

-What are you guys doing? -What?

-Hey! -I said no posting on social media.

-Hey, Kayla. -Hey!

Hey, I'm just rifling through your stuff.

Really?

I'm joking. I'm just waiting in line for the bathroom.

There's not--

No one’s in there. There's not even a line if you wanna just--

-just go in there. -Right. Guess I’m busted.

Look, I found this and I was, like, wow, it's us! Remember cotillion?

Yeah. I don't know why that's there.

-Random. - I loved it.

Etiquette, rules. Everything simple.

-I thought it was perfect. -Yeah. Me too.

Really? You?

No. Actually, no. I...

You know, I mean, I thought it was cool, it was fun.

-You were super cool. -Me?

You always were a little gentleman.

Always thought you'd ask me to a dance or something when we got older.

You thought that?

I ended up skipping most of the dances anyway. You?

Yeah, no, yeah. No dances for me.

Never thought you'd be the guy that'd throw a party.

Oh. It's not really my party, right, or even...

a party at all. It's just my-- Like, everybody else's.

At your house.

Yeah, yeah. At my house, yeah.

Maybe you do have a wild side despite what everyone else says.

-What? -Oh. Hey, girl. You're good?

Hey.

Tell Clint to meet me in your parents' room?

What?

Tell Clint to meet me in your parents' room?

No. No, Stacy. No, that's off limits!

God, dude! Just focus on what's in your room.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

-Life defining moment. Take note. -Please, just do this?

I-- Hold on a second. Hold on.

Brett, I just want to say I want to raise a glass.

You've done everything right in your 17 years.

You've set yourself up for all the blessings that lie ahead.

-4.65 GPA... -Thank you, Marheem Tutorials.

- ...1590 on your SAT... -Thank you, Infinite Futures Prep course.

Oh. It's that one missed question that just sort of, toys with you--

Okay, but, but national recognition in clarinet. Reed instrument.

That was a very strategic thing on our part.

Exactly. It's like I've always said, becoming one’s true best self...

achieving one’s potential, that is success.

And with success comes freedom. And with freedom comes

-all the great things-- - Dad!

-Please, can we just get into it? - Okay.

- Let's go! -

-Boom! Yes! -Whoa.

-Yes! -We got into Cornell.

We're going to Cornell. We're going to Cornell.

Okay. Next up, come on.

Oh, God. We're into Yale. We're going to Yale! We're into to Yale!

Those dormy little house things! They gotta let me in too!

Oh! And Penn! And Dartmouth! We're so good at this!

-All right. Brown, Brown. Boom! -Brown.

Brown! Okay, click on the last one. It's Harvard, click on the last one.

Right there. Click on it.

Oh, my-- Oh, wait. You're wait-listed at Harvard.

-What? - But Harvard.

Hey, come on! Seven out of eight. That's amazing! What are we batting?

-Eight seventy-five. -Eight seventy-five! Yes, 875!

There, there are those math skills at work right there. Congratulations!

-Wassup, dude? - Yo, wassup?

-Is she new? -Dude, don't give him the satisfaction.

-I can't just, like, ghost him. -Yes, you can.

Just, like, swipe left on the entire disturbing scenario, all right?

Do they, do they just stake out the house? Like, I--

-Basically, yes. What'd you hear? -It doesn't matter, man.

Whoa. Bad?

-Tell me or you walk. -All right, man. Just on the DL.

-Why? -I just don't wanna to be that guy.

-What guy? -The guy that got into Cornell.

And Yale and Columbia. And Dartmouth, Penn, Brown and Princeton.

Dude, you're shitting me? That's like every one of them.

-Not Harvard. Wait-listed. -Oh!

So, a loser.

You're just lucky you committed for ball, man.

Didn't have to deal with all the weirdness of it.

Okay, bro, you just hit a walk-off homer. Do not complain about the trot.

-Don't ask, not discussing. -Wisco and Tulane? Come on!

Listed.

-You? -He went seven for eight.

That's sick! Okay, but which one dissed you?

-Harvard. Listed. -Wow.

Listed at Harvard. Loser, right? Complete...

-I mean, rank. -Pure.

-Consummate. -Unmitigated.

All right. God, I get it.

You're gonna clear Wisco or Tulane, man. No JC with your scores.

I dunno. GPA jacks me. Absences jack me. The world is jacking me.

Yo, Nick, how many ethnicity boxes did you check on the app?

-Four. Plus other. -An admission officer's wet dream.

Harassment.

You, there.

-Stop it. - Good morning Cali students.

Today is a big day for our seniors and we hope the news is joyful.

We've already heard from one of the parents of our students

who has been accepted to seven out of eight Ivies.

Congratulations to our valedictorian Brett Blackmore!

Hell, yeah, man!

Proud of you, man!

- Hey, nice bro! -Thanks, man.

You seem happy!

-Is it that obvious? -Uh. Yeah.

Look, I'm happy, all right? It's just, my parents called the school to brag.

-Yeah, I-- -And they called the local news station,

they're throwing a party for their friends.

Okay, the news station, that's kind of weird.

-Yeah. -But at least, it'll all be over soon

-and you get to get out of here. -Can I ask you something?

Am I just that guy who did nothing but study for four years?

Yeah, pretty much.

-So, I blew high school? -What do you mean, "you blew high school?"

I don't know, I mean that you said that you thought

I would never throw a party and that I might have a wild side--

Joking! Joking, hi. Remember that?

Like, who cares what people think anyways?

Well, not me. Obviously.

You really don't, do you?

-Care what anybody else thinks. -Is it that obvious?

I never asked. Did you hear from anybody?

-Uh. Yeah, I got into my top two. -That's awesome. Where?

It doesn't matter, anyways. I can't afford either, so.

-You could apply for aid or something. -I'm coming up with another plan.

-Okay, is it top secret? -Maybe.

Maybe not.

Depends.

Depends on what?

I'll let you figure that one out on your own.

Hey!

-You're Brett Blackmore. -No, sorry.

-Close though. -Dammit.

-Hey, you guys know Brett Blackmore? -Yeah. Dude's like an urban legend.

Yeah, doesn't leave the house, only studies. Most boring kid in America.

Double on the house for the brainiac.

Shut up. You outscored me on the SAT and got a full ride to Santa Clara.

-Are you stalking me? - Maybe.

Extra creamy for Clint. Personal toppings later.

Come on, Stace, the pact thing? That was like two years ago.

Uh-uh! A pact is a pact. And it’s end of senior year now, so,

-we're gonna, you know. -Dude, please stop making her beg.

-Hey, let’s go out from the back. -

-See you later. - Bye.

-You know, he buys lotto tix with that. -Come on.

Twice a week. Says has some sort of system.

Might be genius.

-Hey, Dee. - What up, fellas?

- Rollin’ into summer, Dee. -Thank you, thank you.

- -Hey, hey, hey! Guys, guys, guys!