Attenberg

Oh, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, she's dead, she's dead!

No, no, I'm fine.

I'm going to scare Olivia.

No, there's a fire.

Go, go! Save yourself!

But you also have to leave.

Don't argue with me.

Get out of here. I've lived long enough already.

Why are you talking like... You're not trapped or anything.

You can just get up and go!

Sweet Mike, I'll miss you the most.

What is wrong with you?

Mike...

_

Hey, is this my floor or your floor?

I can never tell. All these hallways, they all look the same.

It's mine. Look, I got all my residents

to go to our motivational speaker thing. How many have you got going?

Zero, but with your 40, it's like we've both got 20.

What? No, Tyler!

That's not what it's like at all!

Okay? I got the speaker, I booked the room, I made the Facebook event.

You haven't done a single thing.

All I'm asking is you get some of your residents to go to our event.

And all I'm asking is that you stop with this complaining.

And you keep doing all the work.

Why'd you even become and RA if you don't want to help anybody

or do any work, man?

It's not like you need the free room and board.

No, I don't.

But I do like the access to all the confiscated drugs

and the names of all the incoming freshman girls.

Tyler, can you go one conversation without being a dick?

Why do you care?

None of this matters.

None of this matter to you.

Exactly.

Hey, you guys.

I'm so excited.

Thanks for booking the motivational speaker.

It was my pleasure, Olivia.

- What? - Oh!

I invited Dean Berber to come. She should be here soon.

Where's Doug?

Oh!

Olivia, I'm sorry I am late.

Hey, Amy! How's it going, Tyler?

What it do, Sam?

I'm sorry, who are you?

And how do you know our names?

I'm Doug, Doug Weiner.

Oh, I thought you looked familiar. Hey, Doug.

Hey, girl!

Amy, this isn't Doug!

Uh, okay, what's going on here?

Where's the real Doug?

Oh, I see. Doug didn't tell you all.

He hired me to take his place today while he has jury duty.

So let's get down to it.

I got eight easy steps to being Doug Weiner.

We're gonna make it happen.

"Now, first of all, just 'cause I'm not here,

doesn't mean I'm not here.

Point to your heart."

Oh, sorry about that.

Not here.

Wait, you can just hire people to take your place at this job?

- Why haven't I been doing that? - You have.

Wait, Doug just gets to do jury duty?

Jealous.

Okay, this is ridiculous, this is not...

I'll be right back.

I know she ain't sayin' I'm ridiculous.

This is Doug.

Really? Because there's another guy here who also claims to be Doug.

Oh, he's there? Great, I hired him on Task Rabbit.

He's gonna be taking care of my responsibilities for the day.

Doug, you can't just hire someone to take your spot like this.

He's not just anyone, he has like 60 five-star reviews.

And now he knows all eight easy steps to being Doug Weiner.

You know, I really wish you'd consulted me...

- (TEXT ALERT BEEPING) - Oh, sorry, getting a text.

Ah, got a problem on my floor.

Got to put Doug on it. Talk to you later.

- (TEXT ALERT BEEPING) - Oh!

Getting a text.

Got a problem on my floor. I'm on it. Talk to you later.

Dean Berber, I'm so glad you and your children could make this.

Yeah, um, who's this lady again?

I'm not sure. Our RAs set it up,

but she's supposed to be very inspirational.

Great, um... Ooh. I got to take this.

Watch my kids.

Here.

Hey, guys.

What are your names?

Let's not do this.

Okay.

Hey, Leslie, you okay in there?

Uh...

Who are you?

I'm Doug.

What? No, you're not.

Yeah, I am.

Okay, well, I have a problem here.

Uh, this

won't go away.

Oh!

Ugh.

Did you try...

Yes.

And it didn't...

No.

All right. Well, let's take a look at the book.

Okay. Well, it says in here, "There is no problem too big or too small

- for Doug Weiner." - Okay.

And I guess your problem falls within those parameters,

so let's get you to a doctor.

- Okay, I'm gonna take you right down here. - All right.

We're gonna hang this little guy right on there.

- Oh, uh, careful. - Oh, yeah.

- Sore, yeah? - Tender, tender, oh. Okay.

- Walk it on out. - Okay.

Walk it out.

Oh, thank you, no, that's perfect, yeah.

Just some water is great.

Tyler Stone.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Rachel.

You know, we've met.

Oh.

Like, numerous times.

Well, every time feels like a first time.

Um, anyways, Rachel, the speaker we have today, excellent.

So, what are you up to now, Rachel?

- Now? Um... - Mmm-hmm.

Well, I'm at this now.

That's hilarious.

Hey, you wanna get out of here?

I'd kind of like you to get out of here,

Tyler.

Sam.

Come on, let's go.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Yeah, you forced us to be here!

No, it's not true.

- I didn't. - Thank you very much...

Sit down, you know you have to be here.

Okay?

Anyways, guys,

uh, we're very lucky to have Ms. Michaela Roberts.

Uh, you may have seen her blog.

Or, you may have seen her self-published e-book,

- Helping You Help You. - You.

Great. Anyways, guys, here she is, Michaela Roberts!

Class of 2017, whoo!

Oh, wow, ooh, ooh, what a warm welcome.

Oh, my goodness.

Um, I am so happy to be here with you guys today.

Uh, I promise I'm gonna keep it short,

sweet and not too boring though, okay?

Uh, let's have a little bit of fun, huh?

Quick show of hands, who here has ever (BLEEP) for heroin?

Come on, guys.

Really?

Good morning, how are we doing today?

Well, hello.

Hey, Doc, how you doing? I'm Doug Weiner, I'm Leslie's resident advisor.

Oh, it says so much that you accompanied your resident here today.

So, Mr. Leslie.

Quite a blue veiner you got there. What's going on?

Uh, well...

You know how Big Pharma's a joke, right?

Ugh, disaster. Go on.

So, Bolivia, they sell this all-natural vitamin supplement

that's supposed to double your girth within two weeks.

Wow, that's quite some growth.

Yeah, and I figured, you know,

take double the dose and quadruple the girth.

Stands to reason.

Yeah, cut to...

I've got this three-hour boner that feels like one of those squeezy toys

where the eyes pop out.

Oh, sure, my dog loves those.

All right. Well, just lay back, sport,

we'll take a little peek at your penis. - Oh, uh...

Yeah, let's take a peek.

Yeah.

It's not weird.

- (SCREAMS) - Oh!

Just playing. I've seen way worse.

- And bigger. - Oh. Oh.

I think it's a good penis.

Doug Weiner's first priority is students' self-esteem.

Well, it's quite girthy, that's for sure, so mission accomplished.

The bad news is,

it's very dangerous to have an erection for more than four hours.

So we're gonna have to perform a therapeutic aspiration.

Uh, a therapeutic aspiration, what...