Nurse Jackie

You know this is pretend, right?

How long do I get to keep it on?

You shouldn't talk about my kids.

How about Kevin? What's he up to?

You guys hanging out-- that's very cute, but it's gotta stop.

I'm on the list of the top 25 docs in all Manhattan.

We want to launch a citywide campaign

Featuring you as the face of all saints.

When I get nervous I act out with inappropriate sexual touches.

It's like a-- it's like Tourette's.

She's leaving Gaza to take a desk in Washington.

Really? You know Sarah Kohri? God, I could not love her more.

- You said you call. - I lied.

I think I'm pregnant.

Wow.

Bleeding!

- What the hell? - What?

You told me to stop seeing him. I never said I would.

You lie to me again, I'll tell him everything.

I see, so you just got the whole thing figured out then?

As a matter of fact I do.

Oh God, you know what? This stuff smells toxic.

- I'm sorry, it just-- it does. - No, I got it.

Never again. Let's just clean up so you can get to work.

- Stop it. Mommy! - I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you!

All right, all right, honey, come on.

Stop, go inside. Go in the other room, play with your sister.

Gimme that. You-- behave. Oi, get a beer.

Need a hand with anything?

No no, we got it. Thanks.

Whoo!

Oh, that Mac and cheese was delicious. Could have eaten four bowls.

The best lunch I've had in weeks.

Really, honey? You couldn't be just a little bit nicer?

What are you talking about? I was nice.

I'm just saying.

Okay, have you been to...

- Egypt? - Four times.

Really?

Catch me, catch me!

Stop it. I'm talking.

- You went four times? - She's been everywhere at least four times.

Look, if you want to drop out of High School and just travel the world,

You'll end up way smarter than all those other stupid kids.

I'm not in High School. I'm in fifth grade.

- Really? - Come on!

Come on!

Don't run so fast.

- Ow ow ow! Mom! - Daddy!

Ooh ooh ooh.

Let's have a look. Let's have a look.

I see...

Oh, sweetie, okay.

Let me see. Goodness gracious.

Put this right here. Let's go into the kitchen.

No, I'll get the car. We're going to urgent care, not the kitchen.

The quicker we deal with it, the smaller the scar. It's all right, sweetie.

Upstairs under the bathroom sink is my stuff.

- Got it. - Okay, you're all right, sweetie.

I got you.

Is she gonna have a scar?

No way. Come on.

Let's go watch.

Okay, so what do you think?

Mmm, three stitches should do the trick.

Make sure the vermilion border heals nicely.

Okay, Lidocaine, please.

Pen please. Right.

- Come here, you. - I'm gonna put some numbing stuff on, okay?

- "real blood," marvelous. - It's all right.

You show that to all your friends, because you're not scared at all, are you, darling?

- No. - "And it's been a bloody afternoon here in queens.

But residents seem optimistic

"That everything will soon return to utter chaos."

Why don't you lean against daddy? He'll help you hold still, okay, sweetie?

So next weekend we'll take Fiona's tonsils out on the porch?

You're welcome.

Dinner later?

There's at least two places I want to go, so we might have to eat at both of them.

Mmm, and a third for pudding.

Pudding?

I can't listen to every single voicemail that you leave me.

Sweetie, what am I supposed to do? Come on.

- Are you praying? - What?

No. Why?

Um, because your lips are moving and you're wearing a cross.

Yeah...

I made a deal with God that if I wasn't pregnant

I would make some serious changes in my life and my work.

And my appearance.

And I move my lips when I read.

- What up? - Is your face different?

- I trimmed my goatee. - Mmm, looks good.

Whoa, that was-- that was something, right?

That was some heat.

- And she's definitely not pregnant. - You've got a shot, man.

Exam 1. Move her gently and efficiently or I will kill you.

Both of you now. Libby Sussman.

Hello? Hello!?

Oh my God, that's Libby.

Sussman!

Hello?! The Sussman foundation.

The Sussman cardiovascular institute.

The Sussman surgical theater. Do you read any of the plaques around here?

You said Sussman like 12 times.

Do you remember feeling dizzy or nauseated before you collapsed?

Uh, I remember being at the Waldorf,

About to bid 25 grand on dinner at per Se

And now I'm here.

Do you remember whether or not the Sussman foundation has decided

To increase its endowment to include the improvements in the E.R.?

Gloria, Gloria, the funding is coming.

You're much more attractive when you're not asking for things.

Ow! Do you mind warming your hands

Before you handle me?

You know, Dr. O'Hara is from Britain.

Yes, I'm from the whole of Britain.

Are you still feeling light-headed, Mrs. Sussman?

Yes, I am a little.

I think it's from all the talking and touching.

Well, good news is all signs point to vasovaginal syncope.

Simple fainting spell, but we'll run a few tests just to be on the safe side.

E.K.G. And a chest X-ray for starters.

Check it out! I heard there was another celebrity in the E.R.

Oh, look at him.

He's ridiculous.

- Head injury? - Nope.

You look like one of my grandson's action figures.

I've always had good posture.

Really, I'm a real doctor.

Uh-huh. Well, no no no.

Get me somebody else, please.

Yes, Mrs. Sussman, that'll be me.

Really?

Oh, hi. Can you sign off on a patient for me?

I don't know, can I? Am I real enough for you?

Oh, well, okay, I mean,

Maybe you're not the realest person I've ever met in my entire life,

But I think that compared to most people

On posters, you--

-Didn't want an honest answer.

- Are you Zoey? - Um...

You're Sarah Kohri.

Why do you know my name?

Ellie is my... Dr. O'Hara.

You know Dr. O'Hara? Oh my God.

Um, Dr. O'Hara talks about me outside of work?

- She does. - Are you two like...

- Best friends? - That's what we told my Uncle Henry.

Oh. Ohhhh.

God.

It's like I can't see gayness or something.

It's so annoying.

Not that you're gay. Not that you're not.

I got bit by a...

- Whoa. - ... Brown recluse spider in Arizona

- Two weeks ago. - Yeah, has anybody seen that?

I went to the E.R. In Phoenix, but the nurses were just too tan

And friendly.

So you want me to treat you

Because I'm pale?

I don't want you to admit me because I can't possibly sit around here all day,

And Ellie tells me you're the kinda girl who gets in there and gets the job done.

This would be off the record, right?

Exactly.

Fine.

Meet me at the end of my shift in the bathroom.

I'll get what you need.

But we gotta be cool.

By funding a dedicated chest-imaging system in the E.R.

We could create cost-effective ways to deal with our increased patient load.

I could take a million from the children's wing and help out the E.R.,

But why don't we just see how the rest of the night goes, shall we?

We could discuss these plans over sandwiches. I'll run to the deli.

The budget cuts are really getting to her.

Do you really have to take all that?

I never take more than I can use.

Oh, uh--

Before you leave, would you hand me my purse?

Mrs. Sussman, I promise you we're gonna take very good care of you,

But the snapping and the fetching--

- It's gonna be a problem. - Mm-hmm.

Ohhh.

Can-can you help me with this?

Thank you.

I'm in Tehran. Yes, right now.

No, yeah, sure, fine.

Baby, I leave you pretty fucking interesting messages,

So of course you listen to mine.

Oh, Jackie, would you tell Ellie

That I'll pick her up after her shift for dinner?

- Work crisis. - Sure.

- Hi. - Hey, are you free tonight?

- I can't talk. Call you back? - Oh, you're calling me back.

- Are we doing this now? - I don't know what we're doing.

Right now I am working.

Don't break that.

I have a whole bag in my office.

"oh, hi, Sarah Kohri."

Um, yes, I have the antibiotics