Bad Education

Babes, I've missed you so much!

Ah!

Oi, come here! Give it to me, take it off!

OMG! Leave me alone. You look like Joan of Arc.

Just out of interest, Friar Tuck. How are the merry men?

My dad did it. What look was he going for? A young Ann Widdecombe?

Enough about mushroom head. Guess what I come back from Malaga with.

Your virginity?

Is it, like, well spiritual and shit?

Nah, it's my Chinese order - spring rolls, prawn toast, duck.

Did your parents go ape?

I can do what I want, cos they're getting divorced. It's the nuts!

Which one of them gets to keep the caravan?

How many times do I have to tell you, Billy Elliot? It's a static home.

It's got wheels on it. It's a caravan.

That means you're a caravan. Do they do Big Fat Gypsy Divorce?

Where's Alfie? Probably chipping his dick out a sock with a toffee hammer.

Right, if anyone laughs, they're getting expelled.

My dad did it.

What's up, homeboy?

Oi, Little Lord Fondleboy!

Mumford and Sons called. They want their gay one back.

Very clever, Grayson, but A, the reason you don't like

Mumford and Sons is cos you're too young to appreciate

a good dinner party anthem when you hear one

and B, I've got a girlfriend - Miss Gulliver.

Did you not get that problem with your arsehole fixed?

I can hear it talking again.

Check her Facebook status, mate.

Changed yesterday, to "in a relationship".

P-Widdy, you're looking fit and healthy.

Let me guess - no carbs before Marbs?

I went on a moose shoot in British Columbia.

What, and no-one shot you? Thankfully, no,

which leaves me able to fetch my gun

and murder whatever monstrosity's nesting on your head.

Good to see FC Banterlona stayed fit during the off-season.

And how did you spend your holidays, Mr Fraser?

Trying to master the art of lacing your own shoes?

Oh, no, still wearing these bad boys.

Every morning I wake up and thank God I still have size five feet.

Now, first staff meeting of the new term

and it's Abbey Grove's swimming gala this week.

Which means it is the sweepstake.

ã10 in. Winning form teacher takes the pot.

Why do we have to be so competitive?

We should be celebrating each and every child taking part.

Show me the money, woman.

No, I won't, because I believe very strongly...

Hey, babe. Don't worry, I got this. Listen, Izzy,

if she says it ain't happenin', it ain't happenin'.

I've got your back, babe.

Now, light bulb - ding!

We all know how the UK recently hosted the greatest show on earth.

The Olympics. Close. The Paralympics? The what?! No, Splash!

I thought we could end the gala with a synchronised diving competition.

Synchronised diving? My class would rather take a running jump.

Shame you won't get your grubby little paws on this money.

Legal bills can be oh-so-ruinous.

Legal bills?

Well, I presume you're not letting your hairdresser get away with that.

Cheryl Bowl. Back off the bob, bitch.

And anyway, I bet you my class win something.

Yap, yap, yap, yap, yappity, yap, yap. You're on.

Um, sorry, just to clarify, I didn't mean betting actual money.

Well, if you win a single event, I'll match the pot.

That's, like, ã200.

Well, you could spend it on Pokemons.

Why would I spend it on Pokemon, when I've already caught them all?

More graceful back and forth - Ballroom Banter with Banton de Beke!

Ten!

Guys, you need to bring your pyjamas in on Friday.

Are we having a sleep-over? Can I be the little spoon?

Er, no, we are learning swimming safety. Why? We live in Watford.

We ain't going to drown in a flood.

Yeah, well, YOU'RE not. That is the one advantage of living in a caravan.

If there is a flood, you can just move to higher ground.

Well, at least I don't look like an Amish rent boy.

Whatever. Look, we're learning swimming safety

so we can all enter the swimming gala!

But we never do the gala! Well, we do now!

And we are going to wipe that smug look off Pickwell's face

and, in doing so, win me a cash bet.

And you know what that means - group trip to Nando's on me.

All we have to do is beat Pickwell at one thing.

And I reckon we've got a chance this year,

because there is a new event, synchronised diving.

It's someone's opportunity to become the next Tom Daley.

Fierce! Count me in. I'll be like Usher with gills. Hashtag Werk.

I knew I could count on you, Stephen.

Now, you're going to need to pick a partner.

Unless, of course, anyone wants to volunteer themselves?

Jing, maybe? You peeps are notoriously good at the old diving.

You mean Chinese people?

No. I meant people who wear glasses

and are, um, Sagittarius.

Firstly, I'm Virgo. And secondly,

you may think you've disguised your prejudices, but you don't fool me.

Classic Sagittarius.

I'll do it for a beer at Nando's. Done!

Now, on a separate issue,

I need to do something rather special for the old ball and chain.

My girlfriend, Miss Gulliver.

We had a little bit of a lovers' tiff in the staff room

and I want to make things right.

I've got a brilliant idea. I need your help.

Alfie, are you OK? Joe told me that you'd been to hospital.

Yeah, doctor said someone had stolen my heart.

You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, now, would you?

Alfie, we're not in a relationship.

Then why did you put it on Facebook?

I put that I'm in a relationship. Which I am. Just not with you.

I don't understand. What... You... Who is it?

Tell me who he is and I will fight this tag-nut for your hand.

Alex Scott.

Alex Scott? He sounds shit.

No, Alex Scott. I used to teach HER.

Alfie, I really, really didn't want to have to tell you like this.

You're going out with Alex Scott? She's, like, 20 and... hot. Yeah.

And a girl! And, sorry, more importantly, she's your pupil!

WAS... Years ago.

I don't know what to think!

I am angry and aroused and upset.

And mainly aroused. And confused.

I didn't think the idea of lesbians could make me this miserable.

I just... I like her. I like Joe, I'm not going to bum him.

This is completely different. Is it?

Sorry, what would you be like if I was like, "Oh, last night,

"I was helping Joe with his homework and one thing led to another

"and I just ended up tugging him off into his Encore Tricolore"?

I'd say, "Why are you teaching him French?" You know what I mean.

Look, I love you!

See all of this - the petals, the candles, the Michael Buble.

Does anyone really like Michael Buble?

He's just a shit Michael Ball.

I realise that this is a strange, highly emotional time for you,

but how dare you take this out on the Bube-ster?

She didn't mean it, Michael.

Please don't go. I'm sorry.

Fine! Bye, then!

I'm off to find one of the boys in my class to see if he fancies a bumming!

Mr Wickers.

These are the Wilsons.

They were thinking about sending their child to Abbey Grove.

Shall I show you back to the car park?

Sir, why haven't you dealt with that bowl yet?

Right, for the last time it's not a bowl, it's a man bob.

Not gigi. And the reason that I haven't been able to deal with it

is cos I've been busy picking up the pieces of my broken heart.

Ah. Miss Gulliver's no biggie, sir. Every girl has a minge binge.

Minge! Maybe the reason they become lesbians after they've got with me

is because they know that it's never going to get any better -

like when Sir Chris Hoy retired after London 2012.

Want me to be your guinea pig? You can kiss me and see if I turn,

like a lesbo Twilight.

Sir, so what if Gulliver's exploring her boundaries?

Sexuality ain't a rigid set of definitions.

It's a spectrum and we all fluctuate between its many polarities.

Plus yat on yat is fit, innit?

And he's back.

Joe's got a choad!

Guys, can you hurry up, please?

Piss off, Savile! Sir's perving on us.

I'm ready, sir. Hope the water's warm.

I'm not looking. Chantelle, I told you to put your pyjamas on.

I sleep naked. Go and get some clothes on now!

This leisure centre is minging. Joe, you don't sleep in a duffle coat.

I do when it's cold. Please don't make me swim, Alfie.

Mate, you should be used to having wet pyjamas!

Is that my shirt? It's all I could find. Do you want some breakfast?

Look! It's my XXL conny!

It's a verruca sock. Argh!

Where's the lifeguard? She'd better be a sort.

Don't worry, mate. They always are.

Oi, Jing. Get your harpoon out. I've spotted a whale.

Sit down, you grubby little toads!

Hi. I'm Mr Wickers.

You too. I'm the form teacher.

Sit! My name is Joy. Before you begin, a couple of ground rules.

I don't like children, but I do like my kit.

And take extra special care of Thomas.

Oh, her dummy's got a name. Rules. No diving, no bombing,

and no petting - of the heavy or light persuasion.

What's petting? Why don't you show us, love? Give us a kiss!

Do you want a faceful of congenital herpes? Thought not, squirt.

And finally, no running!

We had a lad used to run round, ended up cracking his head.

He can't run any more. Eats through a tube and shits in a bag.

I think what Joy is trying to say is that water can make this surface

very slippery.

Wasn't water. He tripped on a crutch.

OK, er, back to swimming. Has anyone got any questions for Joy?

Yeah. Is it true the water changes colour if you piss in it?

Yeah. It goes yellow. Tods turn the milk chocolaty.

Someone's done a dump in it? Wasn't my fault, you weasel.

I've got a spastic colon. Speaking of which...

Ooh.

Sorry. Aren't you going to help me with this? Nature calls.

That Ginsters Scotch Egg Bar's tipping the concierge.

Think it wants to check out.