Scrubs

Dr. Reid, I know yoga is supposed to be good

For pregnant women, but are you sure this is okay?

It looks like that baby could squirt out any second.

Lucy, I'm fine.

Beside I would never give birth under a tree.

Although j.D. And I did conceive this baby under one.

It was a christmas tree-- not in our house.

It was still on the lot.

We made a bunch of christians unmfortable that day. I once got felt up in a pumpkin patch.

Don't you just love the holidays? It's so nice having someone to talk to.

I feel like I can't go to the other med students.

It's gotten so cutthroat.

People will do anything to get ahead.

"lost" got canceled, and they're never gonna air the finale?

So many questions! Hey, good luck on the test, bro.

even drew's been acting like a gunner recently.

Drew, can I borrow your histology notes?

Roger, no. Nothing personal. I just don't want

To help you half-ass your way through med school

And keep you from yr true destiny,

Which is to become the second-best dentist

At a run-down strip mall. You get it.

I was a gunner for a while when I was in med school.

Once I set my roommate lauren's books on fire

So she couldn't study. Turns out I'd loaned her mine,

So I actually had to buy a whole new set which she then stole.

Still, in the end, I won because she got hit by a truck.

I mean, she didn't die,

But she's not smart enough to be a doctor anymore. Is she happy?

Oh, she's very happy. Good.

Now to recap, what is the number one attribute

All med students share with this skeleton?

Ooh. Yes?

The hollow area of nothingness inside the skull?

Exactly. Now it is time for a bong announcement

About a pointless tradition brought to you

By an empty figurehead with a failing liver

And an overactive libido... Mm!

Thank you, perry, you anger-filled muscle slut.

I miss... This.

Yeah, me, too. It kills me that we're friends now.

All right, as you know,

Friday is the annual white coat ceremony.

In front of your family and friends,

You will receive your lab coats--

A symbol of your entrée into the world of medicine.

These doctors' coats--

Murderers' coats, bob-- because they are all murderers.

Anywho, the faculty will be choosing a keynote speaker

To represent the entire first year class.

And as part of this meaningless charade,

Winston university requires that each of you sit with me,

The chief of medicine,

For an irrelevant preceremony interview. A quick sidebar, perry.

can I do the interview

With that little number in the second row?

She said I reminded her of her grandpa,

And I think I could use that to at least get her top off.

You're a hell of an educor, of her g bob.A,

I do it for them.

So you, uh, are you ready for your interview?

So ready. I can answer any questions about our classes,

About the hospital--I even took the time to memorize

Personal facts about each of my professors.

So bring it.

Well, there's really only one question.

Why do you wantto be a doctor?

You've never been to maine,

And you were college roommates with michael bolton.

Yes, and the latter fuels most of my anger.

I'd like you to come back with a better answer,

And if you find you can't come up with a better answer,

Then please know I'm going to make it my personal mission

To drum you out of this med school. But you said this was just a meaningless charade.

Not for you. Get out.

stupid michael bolton.

Hey, buddy. Not your buddy.

Whatevs, bro. Also not your bro.

Mmm. Once again, it's you versus me--

Smarts versus nepotism for the keynote speaker.

Let the battle begin.

There's no battle. This is something I want,

So I'm gonna crush you. Yeah, well, good luck, 'cause I got skills.

Check it.

Swish.

Hey, drew. You know how we get hot

Over gross and disgusting things? Yes, and hello, dr. Reid, who I barely know.

'sup, freak? Hi.

Anyway, check it out.

Mr. Warshal passed his kidney stone. Oh, that's hot.

F.Y.I., that's like passing a bowling ball through a straw.

They say it's actually a lot like giving birth.

Super pumped, by the way. Super pumped.

So I'm taking you to dinner tonight.

Did you bring anything less bloody tohange into? Why?

I don't know. It's a nice place.

It wouldn't kill you to dress up once in a while.

Pretty girl. You're a pretty girl.

I am a pretty girl.

Okay, guys. So nine years ago,

Joseph was my first appendectomy patient.

Since then, some scar tissue has formed,

So we're gonna clear that right up.

Joseph, my old friend, we'll take care of you.Med,

But first, you gotta give me what need.

Bonjour, dr. Turk. Ça va bien?

Ha ha! Brother speaks french.

That's a romance language, y'all!

Anyway, it says here that we're delaying surgery

Due to topical irritation near the incision site.

If you guys will excuse me for a second, that'd be great.

Dude's a goner. I see it in his eyes.

He's haitian. It's a poisonwood berry burn.

How do you know? Trust me, I know.

Boy george!

If you're right, you could seal the deal for keynote speaker.

Mm. Too little, too late.

My fam just donated another m.R.I. Thingy.

Joseph, we're gonna solve this puzzle,

And in thanks, you'll say...

Merci beaucoup.

Merci beaucoup! (laughs)

Incredible. Uh, dr. Turk?

Yes? I think I know what's wrong.

It's a reaction to the acidic black poisonwood berry.

They're common on joseph's home island of haiti-- home island of haiti.

Damn, I was just going to say that.

Keep it up, drew. Catches like this could save someone's life.

Dr. Cox? I know why I want to be a doctor.

I want to use my experience to make the kind of catches

That save lives, To give people a chance to live--

Hold that thought.

Time of death-- 4:23 p..

oh.

I am very, uh...

His middle name is ulysses.

Sync by ReHelen

'sup, holmes? Don't call me "holmes."

Actually, I like "holmes." I'll allow it.

What are you doing? Oh, just surfing the web,

Watching all the white coat speeches,

Cherry-picking the best parts for mine. Solid plan.

Hey, drew.

Turns out you were right about the haitian berry reaction.

I guess your diagnosis wasn't rash after all.

See, j.D.? I told you they wouldn't laugh.

Genius, man.

You lalow at first, then the white coat thing comes up,

And boom! You turn into a gunner.

Wh--I'm not a gunner.

please. Always got the right answer,

Being all helpful with that island berry dude.

Dude, we are exactly the same.

We...

Are not the same.

You're a selfish, petty child

Who would screw over anybody to get ahead.

Like you did with roger?

The second-best dentist at a run-down strip mall.

You get it.

I followed him. He called his folks crying.

It was awesome.

It's like looking in a mirror, holmes.

Ahem.

Dr. Cox?

I've done some soul-searching, and I have a new answer.

T me prep for the verbal brilliance

That is surely headed my way.

Ha. Proceed.

I want to become a doctor

So I can help people who can't help themselves.

Lame. When my grandmother was ill--

Boo! See, dr. Quinn was a medicine woman--

Stop. Now this is when I would normally launch into a rant.

But I've already told you what the consequences are

If you don't come up with an acceptable answer

Prior to the ceremony.

Right now you've got four strikes on you.

And even in the adjusted lucy bennett 5-strike system

That I recently established to accommodate

All major underachievers-- go ahead and take a second

And be happy that something was named after you--

Ya still need to ce up with something better.

One more pathetic, clichéd answer and you're gone.

That was kind of a rant.

Hey, why did you guys want to become doctors?

Oh, actually, I didn't want to be a doctor.

I wanted to be a gymnast. But I was chesty for my age,

And I had no balce because when I was 9,

My cousin jammed a piece of uncooked pasta in my ear.

So the first time I went on the balance beam,

I fell off and broke my bajingo bone.

So really I became a doctor because my parents made me.

How about you, dr. Mahoney?

I like scabs.

Hey, drew, want to come over tonight

And watch one of those survival shows

And root forhe guy to die? Tonight's not a good night, denise.

Hey, work buddy. Hey.

You have a sec?