The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man On Earth...

Another painless birth, huh?

Would you believe it was even easier than the first one?

Melissa, I don't need kids to be happy. All I need is you.

- You are the snake? - I thought you knew.

You were going to let me hit the piñata.

The bomb is not in the piñata.

Then where is it?

Guys. Guys.

I did it.

Boop.

I finished a whole side.

Guys, come on, look at how smart I am.

Guys?

Tandy, I have a question... if you're so smart,

why are you calling us "guys"?

Yeah, it's just what you say when you want

to get a bunch of people's attention.

Yeah, but we're all women... and now with the twins and Dawn,

there's seven ladies and only three men.

I mean, we more than double you.

Don't you think calling us "guys" is a little sexist?

Uh, I can't be sexist.

Okay? I am a father of two baby women.

I mean, I think girls are so nice I made 'em twice.

- Whatever, Tandy. - What? Uh, no, seriously,

I am super pro-lady.

I wouldn't lie to you guys.

- Tandy! - There it is.

Sexist pig.

No, no, no, no, no. You're absolutely right.

We are living in a brave new world,

where there are more hot dog buns than hot dogs.

So if I have offended you guys at all...

- Tandy! - Oh, I did it again!

That... I... that was my bad.

Look, this is a problem, okay?

And it will not stand.

How about this?

From now on,

anytime we would normally say "guys,"

we'll say "gals" instead.

This'll last a day.

Uh, no, uh, no, it won't.

Huh? This is gonna last a lifetime. Yeah.

Hey, got an ultra-serious question for you.

What's got two thumbs

and a deep respect for gender equality?

This gal.

This gal.

That's not gonna get annoying at all.

Hey, Gail?

Gail? Gail?

Yeah, on that,

we're in total agree-woment.

Agree-men-t?

Nah.

Agreewomen-t.

Yeah, that's my current jam.

And I look forward to spreading it on all your bread.

Idiot.

How's our little cutie muffin?

Well, she's warm

and she's toasty,

but I'm afraid she might have too many blueberries.

Hmm? Maybe I should eat a few.

Let me see that. Mm.

Um, Todd?

Todd.

Uh?

- It's time for me to feed her. - Oh.

- Uh... yeah. - Yeah.

- Okay, sure. - Thanks.

Thank you.

You got her? Okay.

Geez, y-you see that?

I mean, she just swooped in and took her.

It was a little rude.

Well, don't you go play with the twins?

Well, they're sleeping, so I guess I'm on my own.

Look, you want a play date so bad,

there's an obvious solution right under your nose.

Jasper?

Well, it's kind of a perfect match.

You want to hang out with kids, he has no parents.

Yeah, I know. I'm just...

I'm not sure he'd want to hang out with me.

Have you asked him?

Mm, no.

- I'll just go ask him for you. - No.

Okay? I'll do it. Just not here, all right?

Geez.

I'm gonna put on a different shirt.

Mom. Thank gollness.

Can you help me with the twins?

Mike needs to be fed,

and Bezequille doesn't like to watch.

Where's Tandy?

Well, he's busy.

He's changing all the manatee art

to woman-atee art.

This house has a surprising amount of manatee art.

All right, yeah, give me the little rug rat.

Oh, Mom, I do not know what I would do without you.

Raising one baby is a challenge,

but two is a full-time sport.

I am coach,

quarterback... whew!...

And the water cooler.

Okay, but I can only do it for a little while,

'cause I promised Erica I'd watch Dawn

while she takes a bath.

Oh.

I see.

- What? - Nothing.

I just think it's interesting

that you have all this time for Dawn,

but you don't have any time

for your actual, legal grandchildren.

Are we really gonna go there?

Bezequille and Mike are your notarized flesh and blood.

And Dawn is just some itinerant baby

of a woman you're currently dating.

Erica is not just some woman I'm dating.

Okay, we're not married,

but we're in a committed relationship.

Okay, if you say so.

How dare you.

Erica and I were doing the female hunka-chunka

- before we even knew y'all were alive. - Fine.

Have it your way. I'll just tell the twins

their grandma ditched them for some stranger-baby.

Don't you listen to her.

Jasper?

Knock-knock.

Who's there? I'm just kidding.

Jasper?

Hey, hey, bud.

Oh, look at you.

Set up a little bachelor pad.

That's cool.

Uh, killing Nazis, huh?

Yeah. Don't have any problem with that, no, sir.

Even the ones just following orders.

You know, you got to be held accountable for your actions.

Stupid.

I was wondering,

uh, if you're not doing anything,

uh, you-you-you, um...

you want to hang out or something?

I mean, 'cause you could totally say no.

I mean, why would you wanna...

hang out with an old guy like me?

Come on, bud, five minutes.

Just, you know, four.

May-Maybe-maybe two.

Right on.

Whatever.

Hey. Thanks for watching Dawn.

Of course.

I should warn you that Carol

was not too thrilled about me being pulled away.

Oh, God. What now?

She's just mad because she thinks

I spend more time with Dawn than with the twins.

Well, you're Dawn's mom, too.

Oh, not according to Carol.

She's giving me grief on account of us not being married.

- Oh! - You know Carol. I mean,

she won't go to the bathroom

unless she's got a certified dumping permit.

Yeah.

What?

I was just thinking about us as a married couple.

What's so funny about that?

I mean, can you imagine us getting all gussied up

and declaring our love to the world like a couple of chumps?

Yeah, wouldn't that be horrible?

What? Did I say s...

Women.

Okay, hun, look,

I'm sorry... I didn't mean it that way.

- Sure. - I mean,

it's not that I wouldn't want to be married to you,

I just don't want to be married to anybody.

It's a flawed institution.

It's like bread bowls

or... the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

You already made your point, so could we just drop it?

I mean, we live together, we're raising a kid together.

It's like we're already married.

The only thing we don't have is just some stupid piece of paper.

Yeah, stupid piece of paper...

that says you'll always be there even if the other person

gets sick or they get fat or they... drool in their sleep,

because you can't imagine your life without them.

Oh, God. All right.

If getting married is really something that you want to do,

then... I'll bite the bullet.

Wow. With a proposal like that, how could I say no?