The Simpsons

D'oh!

Happy 500th episode!

Hmm?

This is episode 499.

Aw, geez. Well, I got news for ya,

Fox ain't doin' this again.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

How'd you get so many more Valentines?

I got one from Lisa

and one from my optometrist.

That's a bill.

No, it's got a love stamp!

Maybe we should just watch TV.

Aw...

Now, son, you know Itchy and Scratchy give you night terrors.

Last night you had the night terrors.

Yeah, I dreamt I got fired from that job

I dreamt I got the night before.

Oh...

Welcome to MythCrackers,

where we debunk rumors, legends,

and all religions except the Jesus-based ones.

It's a beautiful afternoon.

No TV.

Luckily, she doesn't know that our viewing platforms

are... multi.

No TV on the computer!

No TV on a smart phone!

Tonight, we take on the classic myth

that a cat will always land on its feet.

Now, we didn't want to hurt a real cat,

so we took this Build-A-Bear carcass...

Stuffed it with ballistic gel,

shot it with a 20 foot barrel steam cannon...

And made a scatter plot of the remains!

Boo-yah!

What was it we trying to prove again?

Don't know, don't care!

Hey, Bart, why don't we become MythCrackers?

I bet those guys get so many Valentines.

That might be a good idea, but then again, you thought it up.

Eh, why not?

Okay, first myth,

using a cell phone at a gas station is dangerous.

Well, at least I'm cool now!

Why does the guy have to do everything

for the girl on Valentine's Day?

We show girls love on Valentine's Day,

and they let us blow stuff up on the Fourth of July.

I just pray they never fall on the same day.

Homie, read this.

"My darling husband.

"This Valentine's Day,

I have a present for you."

Thanks for reading it to me.

My pleasure.

"I want you to have a fun night doing guy stuff.

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

Oh, Marge, this is brilliant!

Mwah!

I just think we should do things every day

to show our love for each other.

Hmm?

It's okay, Homie.

Go. Have a good time.

Take Bart with you.

Oh, which one do you want?

You have the most wonderful mom in the world,

which is why I have no idea where she is

or what she's doing.

That's right, sucker!

It's Valentine's Day,

and I've got a date with some fastballs!

Lucky bastard.

I mean, my darling, I was looking at myself

in the side view mirror.

I hope you hit one off the handle and your hands sting!

Ow!

Lisa, I love spending mother-daughter time with you.

We have so much in common. Like, um...

Oh, no!

Someone's about to put the Thousand Island ladle

into the vinaigrette!

Hmm?

Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to be nosey.

Don't apologize.

It was dark, then a light came through the crack.

The light was you.

Oh... You have a way with words.

Words are just nails we use to build ideas.

Care to continue this discussion at the dessert table?

Mom, I'm gonna look at the desserts!

Don't panic. This can be separated out.

Quick, does anyone have a centrifuge?!

All I wanted was one romantic night.

Yep, you're the crack head.

What dessert are you gonna get?

I'll toss this fork into the air

and wherever it lands, that's what I'll eat. Hiya!

As Hemingway said, "The shortest answer is doing the thing."

Um, I should probably get back to my mom.

By the way, my name is...

No! When I first hear your name,

I want to be somewhere important,

the peak of Kilimanjaro...

the back of a vaporetto in Venice, the...

Lisa! Now this is the most important place in the world.

Now that's a spicy meet-cute! Mwah!

Lisa?

Hey, Midge.

Want a piece of my ziti?

That cost a nickel, but, uh, we'll settle up later.

Today we tackle the most terrifying myth

in the history of Springfield Elementary,

that if you press E-8 on the candy machine,

you get electrocuted and die.

Wow.

Did you invent a robot hand to touch the buttons?

Something like that.

Ladies and gentlemen, that myth is cracked!

Candy cigarettes?

I didn't know they made these.

They were discontinued because they were thought

to encourage impressionable children to smoke.

How dumb do they think we are?

Mm-hmm.

Mmm!

I can quit any time I want!

This place is great!

If I cover my peripheral vision, I feel like I'm in France.

Ew...

How 'bout I just look at you.

El Puerco, I must break up with you.

Oh, but the hand-holding is just too good.

Your juice boxes.

It's... nice.

Perhaps we can try a little harder, for the lady.

Such is the life of the juice boxiér.

Oh.

Marge, since you're by yourself,

would you like to borrow one of my twins?

But remember, the one you pick may not be the one you get.

Mom, I'm sorry I'm late.

No excuse, I just forgot all about you.

I'm not sure that patch really represents who I am right now.

Well, if you'd been here for the design phase,

you could've registered that objection.

Now start quilting!

Now there's three of you?

Or maybe you're losing your mind.

According to the wisdom of our elders...

...if you go all the way around on the swing,

your body will turn inside-out!

Cool! Now my beauty will be on the outside!

He's still inside-in, folks!

And just to prove it...

Whoa!

("Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" by Edith Piaf playing)

"She had now come to the part that Peter Pan hated.

'I do like a mother's love,' said Tootles..."

Mom, I have a crush!

Is it on your father?