Superstore

For anyone who hasn't already downloaded

the Zephra employee app, you need to.

There's a bunch of cool features.

For one, you get points for helping customers...

Ooh, I want points.

- Ooh, me too. - What do points do?

Looks like ten points get you a badge,

and ten badges get you a banner.

- Ooh. - And what do banners get you?

I don't know, Jonah, the moon.

God, ten times a day with this guy.

"What do banners get you?"

It also uses your location data

to automatically clock you in

when you enter the store, so no need to swipe in

- in the mornings anymore. - Really?

Hello, extra half-hour of sleep!

- Extra half-hour? - Glenn, what is your

- clock-in process? - Oh, it's very involved.

Can we all talk about whether it's an invasion of privacy

for Zephra to force us to download something

that can track our phones?

- Do we have to? - Who cares?

- No, thank you. - That's kinda boring.

That's what every app does.

Great debate, guys. It's very useful.

Also there's a product locator, an inventory map,

and, uh, oh... your Z-Shelf comes with

the CEO's autobiography and an audio version

read by Emily Deschanel from "Bones."

- Wow. - What?

- Love her. - I'm a total "Bones" - head.

How are we supposed to use any of this stuff

when we're not even allowed to have our phones on the floor?

The new policy says that you can have your phones now.

In fact, you are expected to carry them.

Holy .

I am so happy right now.

So to reiterate, we must download an app that can

track our phones, and then we must carry

our phones at all times.

And everybody here is just, like, fine with that?

- Yes. - Pretty much.

- Yeah. - What's the problem?

"Who Run the World? Me"

by Kira Moon. Read by Emily Deschanel.

I could listen to that lady

read the phone book.

I had nothing but a seed loan from my father...

I linked the app to my Facebook and checking accounts.

I got the Super Sharer badge.

You hate this, don't you?

I just don't love handing giant corporations a way

to get my address, my contacts, and all of my passwords.

I already gave all of that up to figure out which cat

from "Cats" I am.

- Macavity, the magical one. - What do you think

they're gonna do with that information, anyway?

A lot.

They can track what you do, what you like.

They can scan your internet searches for keywords

and then just send you ads for things you were talking about.

- That just seems thoughtful. - Yeah, but then they can just

package your data and sell it to other companies.

And then those companies would give you the free help?

I'm... I'm not doing it justice.

So you think you're so fascinating that Zephra's

dying to learn which Beach House album you just preordered?

Ah, the "I've got nothing to hide" argument.

- Where have I heard that before? - Bible camp.

"In Christ I have nothing to hide, nothing to prove,

nothing to fear, nothing to lose."

Hmm, is that where you heard it, Jonah? Bible camp?

Maybe.

Hey, this cartoon thing you sent me.

Is it supposed to be you or, like, a depressing,

aged-up Dora?

No, it's me.

You can design your own avatar on the app.

And the purple streak in your hair?

Well, yeah, that's just for fun.

To see what it would look like. I mean, it's not like I could

actually pull that off in real life, right?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Yeah. Look, I can make you one.

Oh, knock yourself out.

I never got into the whole texting fad.

- Really? You've texted me. - Yeah, to convey information,

but, like, sending someone a little picture or something?

It's, like, what's the point?

Well, sometimes you just feel like sending someone an emoji

or, like, a GIF from a movie.

Why? Why would you do that to someone?

Okay, never mind. Here, look.

Huh. Oh, that does kinda look like me.

Yeah, and you can change the facial expressions.

- Whoa, I can change my race. - Yes, but you shouldn't.

- That's... - See, I knew it.

People are always telling me I'd be a beautiful Indian woman.

You should really change that back, Dina.

Who... who... who says that?

Every time you take a trip back and forth

to the stock room, you earn points.

I'm already at "Stockroom Fiend."

Well, I'm a "Stockroom Rockstar."

If I ever get "Stockroom Fiend" again, kill me.

Seriously.

If you click on the little clock on the bottom,

it tells you how much time you have left on your break.

- Wait, what? - Yup. Eight minutes.

Mine says six.

Wait, they're timing our breaks now?

How do they even know that we're in the break room?

- Hold on. - It's GPS probably.

I bet it's GPS.

So we're only allowed to be in the break room

if we're actually on break now?

Okay, it stops counting out here.

This isn't even a break. This is just...

unofficial break room time.

And now it's counting down again.

GPS. Global Positioning System.

You can't fit a whole 15-minute break into just 15 minutes.

I can't relax if I know I'm being timed.

It's too much pressure.

Stopped. Started. Stopped.

So what if we leave our phones outside the break room?

That way they won't know when we're in here.

- A break without your phone? - Do you hear yourself?

Jesus, Justine, either help or keep quiet.

Now it's stopped again.

I'm 70% sure this is what it is.

My man, I made something for you.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, try it on.

What... what am I looking at here?

It's a hat lined with tin foil

so Zephra can't hack into your thoughts.

- Okay, all right, I get it. - So I'm just some sort of, like,

wacko conspiracy theorist for thinking that

a tech conglomerate just might want to check out

- its employees' phone activity. - Shh.

The lizard people are all around us; they'll hear you.

Sorry, buddy. Not you. You look totally normal.

Okay, so you're so sure that nobody's looking

you wouldn't mind if I took your phone and just, like,

Googled a bunch of weird porn or something?

Be my guest.

If you think I haven't Googled weird porn,

- you're in for a treat. - Okay, all right, fine.

Then what if I, uh, what if I wrote

"How to murder my coworkers"?

- Doesn't bother me. - You sure? 'Cause I...

- 'Cause I'm doing it. - Go for it.

Okay, I'm... here we go. It's... I'm... I'm typing it.

- Type it. - Into your phone right now.

- Great. - Got it all queued up.

- Okay. - Ready to send.

- Send it. - I'm gonna send it.

- Press it. - Pressing it.

- There you go. - Boom.

And I'm still here.

Well, no one was saying you would, like,

- immediately disappear. - Yeah, no, I know that.

I was just trying to add some flair.

We got hit with a ton of graffiti

that we have to remove.

I'm not sure if it was a bunch

of different people...

Or just one guy with a lot of range.

Sorry. Text from Dina.

"Heads up, spill in Produce,"

with her avatar surfing on a banana.

- Ooh, 'cause Produce! - Yup, I'm guessing so.

At any rate, they spray painted a pentagram in Toys & Games,

which I've just been telling the parents

is a "Frozen" thing, so.

Sorry.

Apple emoji, orange emoji, grapes emoji...

- She's good at this. - Yeah.

Hey, Amy, ignore the baseball.

I thought it was a shelled coconut.

All good. Just, uh, trying to get through

some assignments here.

- Got it. - Okay.

Okay, um, where was I? Uh...

Oh, right... also, they spray painted "Greta is God"

in the changing rooms, now...

Um, I'm not sure if they meant Gerwig or Thunberg,

but not that it matters.

- What I need is for you... - Amy!

Check your phone! This is a good one!

It's a meme of Indiana Jones cracking his whip.

It's you, the boss! Apparently, it's from a movie!

Wow, generations have changed, huh?

If it were me, I'd find that incredibly annoying.

It's obviously toothbrushes.

Or is it teethbrush? Like attorneys general?

Are you gonna answer any of those?

It's Dina.

She won't stop texting.