Nobodies

Hey!

- Hey. - What are you doing?

Oh, just stretching my groin.

Was thinking maybe I'd hit it.

Oh, um...

well, I need to get going to work,

but if it's quick...

No, I was gonna hit the road.

I-I'm finished stretching. I was gonna ride my bike.

Yeah, totally. I... knew that's what you meant.

Um, I brought you some banana bread.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Lois and I baked it as a thank-you

for baby-sitting the other night.

Wow. That's, uh...

That's so nice.

You're not gonna eat it, are you, 'cause of the gluten?

And the refined carbs.

Tell Lois I ate it and it was delicious.

- What's that? - Oh!

Uh, this was on your doorstep from CAA.

- Mmm. - Oh, yeah.

I think I know what this is.

I-I was offered the lead in a sitcom.

Shut up! That's amazing!

What's it about?

No idea. Hadn't read it.

Uh, well, would it shoot here or...

Yeah, I think so, but I don't know

if I want to do another show.

'Cause then, you know, if it's successful,

then I'm stuck doing that for years.

What's wrong with that? We'd both be working on shows.

I mean, we'd have the same hours.

If we filmed on the same lot,

we could drive to work together.

And you'd be here in L.A.

Why do you want me in L.A.?

You know.

'Cause we're...

Dating?

Yeah, dating.

And...

You're falling in love with me?

I don't know.

Are you... falling in love with me?

I think I know. I think I know, yeah.

What are you doing? Well, you've convinced me.

Calling my agent. I'm gonna do it.

But I thought you said you hadn't read it.

That doesn't help me.

I read the pilot script for "Breaking Bad"

and I passed on it, so what the hell do I know?

But you read it. Tell me what you think.

It's Mark-Paul for Marcy.

Is she in?

Marcy!

I'm in!

- Let's do it. - Oh...

So does this mean they were never

really considering Larry for the part?

I don't... Mark-Paul's agent said CBS wants a name.

Anyone who's name is not Larry Dorf.

- Will you tell him? - Why would I tell him?

- Your boyfriend took his part. - He didn't do it on purpose!

Mark-Paul Gosselaar? As Larry Dorf?

I mean, has there been a greater miscasting

in the history of miscasting?

Mark-Paul Gosselaar is, like, six-feet and good-looking.

Great-looking.

And I think he's 6'1", but I'll look it up.

He's not any taller than I am.

Well, very good-looking people appear taller.

Aah! - Oh!

Jesus! What are you doing?

Sorry. Oh, my God.

The AC is on a timer or something

and I... it just got so hot, I couldn't sleep.

Why were you sleeping here?

Jen and I got in a huge fight.

She kicked me out of the house.

She was at the table read.

I don't even know how she knew about that!

Well, why didn't you go to a hotel?

Because I kept thinking that Jen was gonna call me and say,

"This is stupid. Come home," but she never did.

I mean, I get that she's mad, but what,

does she want a divorce 'cause I called her

a harried housewife in a script?

I mean, am I crazy? This is a giant overreaction.

Is there something I'm missing?

Schnitman!

- What? - What?

Our pediatrician?

- What? - You just said, "Schnitman."

That's the name of my pediatrician.

No, I...

I said, "Shit, man."

'Cause you said, "Is there something I'm missing?"

And I was like, "Shit, man!

Is there something he's missing?"

"Shit, man," is right.

I mean, this is the worst day of my life.

The only thing keeping me from not killing myself

is that I'm gonna be the star of a CBS sitcom.

So, Larry, do you know why you're here?

I don't. They won't tell me.

I said I'm not gonna kill myself.

Larry, if you're thinking about killing yourself, please, don't do it.

I've had so many clients take their own life,

and at a certain point, it starts to make me look bad.

My wife and I are having some problems.

Is that what this is about?

You guys are concerned about my marriage?

That's very sweet.

I'm touched.

You're good friends. Great friends.

But let's not kid ourselves here.

It's not all out of the goodness of your hearts.

I'm their meal ticket.

I'm about to be a giant star, and these two are a little bit

like barnacles on a ship, just along for a free ride,

clinging to the bottom of the SS Dorf

as she sails the seas of the globe.

That is so gross.

Larry, you're here because Rachel and Hugh

have something to tell you, and they are worried

that you are going to fall apart.

But I want you to know this is a safe space,

and I can and will rebuild you.

Rachel, Hugh, why don't you go ahead

and tell Larry the bad news?

Oh! Um...

we were actually hoping you would do it.

Well, we all hope for things, Rachel.

I'm sure you were hoping for less Semitic features.

I know what it is. It's my teeth.

You're both afraid to tell me

that no one on TV has teeth like this,

with big, giant gaps between them.

I already know that.

That's why I'm getting veneers.

I've already had a consultation.

Look.

Larry... oh, my God!

What the hell are... did you ask for extra teeth?

Larry, it's not your teeth.

No, but you really should do something about 'em,

because that's all I've been thinking about

since you started talking today, is those teeth.

My grandmother had the same condition.

Fish teeth.

Hugh?

Larry, um... Just tell me.

I mean, I've already been kicked out of my home.

It can't get any worse.

There's literally nothing you can tell me

that's gonna upset me.

Unless you're about to tell me that I'm not gonna be the star of a CBS sitcom.

You're not gonna be the star of a CBS sitcom.

Hmm.

Larry? Larry!

Here you go.

And of course, you know you can stay here as long as you need.

Mmm! Is this okay?

I never get to drink wine anymore 'cause of Mark-Paul.

Pour me one. I never get to drink wine anymore either

'cause I'm always drinking Scotch.

Mmm.

Poor Larry.

Maybe that should be the new name of the show.

"Poor Larry."

Hey.

Uh, uh, Sam... what are you doing here?

Uh, Reese broke her arm doing that airplane stunt.

- What's going on here? - Oh.

Uh, Larry's having a bit of a rough day.

Oh, God. What happened?

Kind of all of his dreams

are not coming true at the exact same time.

I told him he could stay here.

Wait, my house?

Uh, "our" house.

And I thought you were in Toronto.

Well, I'm not in Toronto anymore,

so maybe Larry can find a different place to stay

so I can have some time alone with my boyfriend.

Yeah.

- Ahh, that looks good. - Yeah.

You're not wearing any shoes.

Oh!

I had 'em when I came here.

Having a party too. Fun, fun.

How are you?

Good.

Um, I'm... actually, I'm great.

I, um, I'm dating someone. He's an actor.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

Get out! I know Mark-Paul!

Well, that's 'cause he's super famous.