All About the Money

Have you ever done something stupid?

No, I mean really stupid.

Stupid to the point where you and your friends are being shot at?

This is the craziest thing you've ever done to us!

Who the fuck is the crazy bitch shootin' at us?!

Oh, that's Juan Garcia's daughter.

- We're in love. - Well, then text the bitch

and tell her to quit fucking shooting at us!

What could possibly lead these three best of friends

to brave the face of death?

Money, of course.

Even as children, little Vincent

was always concocting some sort of get-rich-quick scheme.

Man, I don't know how I let you talk me into this.

- Oh, please. - I'm serious.

I'm black, Vincent, or did you somehow forget that

when you came up with this brilliant plan?

What the hell does that have to do with anything?

What? Man, we try to return that cat and get the reward,

you know the first thing old Miss Womack's gonna think

is, "I bet it was this little nigga that stole it."

She wouldn't say that.

Shut up, Kurt!

Vincent convinced Chris

that he would not be singled out

just because he was black.

My baby!

Why is he in a bag?

This was the eighties, and everyone knew

that racism no longer existed in America.

There you go, boys, $40, just like the reward says.

Um, there's something that's a little odd.

Mr. Wiggles has always been an indoor kitty...

so I can't imagine

how he got out.

Christopher?

You or any of your brothers, did you leave a door open

when you were cleaning out my garage?

Ms. Womack, that was two years ago

you had us clean out your garage.

Your cat's only been missing three weeks.

That's neither fish nor fowl.

I told you, just 'cause I was black,

I was gonna get blamed. I should kill you, Vincent.

Whatever, look at all this money.

Man, one day we will have a black president,

and he will make sure all black people are taken care of, you best believe that.

Not a chance. Boys, you stick with me,

and you'll definitely share in the wealth, 'cause I'm gonna be rich.

'Cause I'm gonna be rich.

Why am I reciting this great modern tale

in which legends were made?

Because someone paid me.

So shut up and pay close attention.

Never as a child prophesize about your future wealth,

because you end up sleeping on your friend's pleather couch.

Who is it?

Christopher Jefferson Johnson?

Hey, who is that using my government name?

Think it's Walter, man.

He's dressed like he's going to church.

And you're sweaty, Walter.

What up, Walt?

Uh, Mr. Johnson, you are hereby served.

Serving what? What are you serving?

Goddamn it, I'm sorry, man, look...

My stupid brother-in-law got me this job

as a process server.

She's tagging along with me all damn day, and...

I'm scared as hell out here!

I'm real sorry, Chris.

Divorce sucks.

I'm glad it's not me.

Walter, I'm waiting!

OK, actually, I wish it was me.

Get the fuck away from my house, man.

Come up here and serving me.

You can't even take care of that fucking bitch out there,

gotta ride around in a car with rollers all over her goddamn head.

What the fuck you doing with that monkey suit on?

Sorry, Chris.

You're very sweaty, Walter.

Thanks, man.

Oh, we still on for poker on Wednesday night?

Yes, Walter.

Yes!

I'll bring the pizza, you guys.

Fuckin' bitch.

You shouldn't start your day like this.

Man, you've been sitting here living on my couch

since October 15, five motherfucking years ago.

I can count that. I get it.

You need to come to grips with this, uh, reality

that you're not that good a salesman, man.

Man, you're talking about my career.

Your career is fucked up. What is it this week, man?

Upright Breathe-Right.

Up-breathin' what? Breathe what? Who?

You know what, I'm proud of what I do.

It's the Upright Breathe-Right.

It is a vacuum cleaner, is what the fuck it is.

Man, millionaires don't get like this overnight.

I'm trying to do what I need to do, OK?

I'm going to work to make my millions.

Watch when I come home today.

I got a real job, I fix motors. People need to drive.

You need to fix your drive, your drive in life, Chris.

While Vincent and Chris toiled to make a dollar out of 50 cents,

Kurt was actually quite wealthy working for his father-in-law,

and miserable to boot.

Oh! What are you doing? You're supposed to be in there.

Yeah, I'm trying.

I can't find my transportation form.

Fuck, you look like hell.

Did you sleep last night?

Little, uh, wacky-wacky?

Thanks, thanks, Rick.

It's exactly what I needed right now.

Aaah, just glad it's you and not me, man.

I don't think I could do it.

Do what? You gave the last presentation.

Yeah, and I fucking killed that bitch.

No, I'm talking about being the son-in-law

of the CEO.

Hello!

Uh-uh-uh-uh! Pfft!

Please.

You are about to present to the biggest potential client

this firm has ever seen.

And your father-in-law, slasher-balls,

is gonna be sitting right there, same room,

analyzing your every move.

Kurt.

Kurtie?

Dude! Hey! Snap out of it.

Yo!

What? What did you say?

Fix your hair first.

Oh, and your secretary always stares at my bulge.

See you in the trenches.

Two minutes.

Breathe.

Just a panic attack.

I have several hundred of these a month.

You can do this! You can do this!

Mr. Pomeroy, it's your wife on line one.

Um... put her through.

OK.

Hello, darling. I won't keep you.

I just Wanted to tell you how important this meeting is to daddy.

I know.

Well, I'm not sure you do.

Takanaki Industries is a client daddy's tried to get for years,

and it would be unfortunate if you lost this opportunity.

I'm the reason Takanaki Industries is even here today.

Three years of traveling back and forth from Japan, and I got it done.

I would think that you would be calling me,

your husband, to say, "Good luck!"

Hah. That's cute, honey.

Just keep your eye on the ball.

Remember that

it's all on your shoulders.

This family doesn't tolerate losers.

Ow!

All right, you're gonna be rich,

you're gonna be rich, you're gonna be rich.

Hi.

Hi. Wow, you're hot... Oh, hi, I'm Vincent Bolero

with the Upright Breathe-Right, and you have been chosen

from thousands of participants to receive a...

You got... Is it hot?

Actually, my parents, they just bought me a vacuum

right before the semester started, so I'm all good.

Hold on, just give me one second.

They gave me a rebuttal for that... the pamphlet.

Hand 'em the pamphlet here. That has all the information.

- I have company. - Oh, hey, hi, guys.

What you doing, just chillin'? I used to chill.

Let me tell ya, um...

Ha, I know what that is.

That's not a asthma breather, is it?

You guys!

- All right, so... - No, you can't have any.

And my parents give me an allowance every month

which is not enough to afford this amazing vacuum,

so I couldn't even buy one if I wanted to, thank you.

That leads me to the other part of my whole presentation.

Making money. You, sir.

How would you like to make $10,000 a month?

Wait, so you make $10,000 a month?

Dressed like that?

Um, I don't. My boss does. And then the guy above him.

At the office, it's like a tower, OK?

They have like, you have the level one...

It's like a pyramid. They don't think of it like a pyramid.

They say don't say it's a pyramid.

It's better looking at it on the board,

but yes, you can, you can make that kind of money.

It's like he's an anchor on the Sad News Network

and the special is "My Life Sucks."