M*A*S*H

‐KLINGER: Potatoes? ‐RADAR: Yeah. ‐Corn? ‐Yeah.

Hey, what's underneath that gravy there?

Only The Shadow knows, hmm?

I'll take some.

Keep eating this slop

and you'll get the purple tongue.

Think you've got enough to eat there, son?

I can always go back for more, sir.

Colonel, Major Burns has something to say.

What is it?

He'd like you to start the meeting right away.

He has to be back on post‐op duty in half an hour.

You're in very high voice today, Frank.

Maybe you should loosen your shorts.

Still suffering from incurable wisecracker‐itis, eh, Pierce?

Right, Frank, the doctors have only given me

six months before I kill you.

All right, all right. We're supposed to be officers here.

Set an example, which is one reason

I've called this meeting. Radar, take notes.

Yes, sir.

If you haven't eaten your pencil.

First of all, let me say

I appreciate how tired you all are.

Unfortunately, until we find out what's causing this fever thing,

we're gonna have to keep working round the clock.

Any news from the lab at Seoul, Colonel?

Father Mulcahy's down there now on R&R.

Rest and resurrection.

I'm hoping he'll come back with some new info.

Meantime, we can expect more fever patients by tonight.

We're running out of beds now.

I'm for doubling up.

I bet.

I'm just that kind of guy.

Can I break in with a little trivia about the subject?

Doctor.

How do you deal with a disease that doesn't even have a name,

no antibiotics that work,

nothing we can do but supportive care?

Yeah, what ever happened to the good old days?

Artery transplants, re‐secting intestines,

something we could sink our teeth into.

I guess all that went out with good taste, Frank.

There is one thing, just a hunch from H. Q.,

They think there's a possibility

the fever could be caused by rat‐borne mites and fleas.

Has anyone noticed more rats hanging around

the camp lately?

Just the old couple that's building a family room

in my shaving kit.

I've seen rats around here the size of dogs.

I've even heard some complaining about people

running around their tent.

I want to establish a control officer

who will be responsible for all the rats on the base.

Volunteers?

Very sporting, Pierce.

Not at all.

My friends, some men are born great,

others achieve greatness.

And others are destined to work with rats.

I would like to nominate someone who is eminently qualified.

A man who was born for this job.

A man who can look a rat in the eye and meet him on his own terms.

I give you Major Frank Burns.

Will anyone second this notion?

‐B.J.: Here, here. ‐Thank you, but, uh,

I really can't accept.

Oh, I'm already in charge of rumor control.

‐I've heard that. ‐Yeah.

I think if this assignment helps relieve the fever situation,

there ought to be some sort of promotion.

Maybe even a field mouse commission.

All right, all right, uh, but just remember‐‐

Frank Burns did more than his share.

Also, morale has become a problem.

But I have something here

that I think might be helpful in picking people up.

It's a war department directive

for a soldier of the month contest.

Some lucky enlisted man

will get to spend six days in Tokyo.

Wow.

All you have to do is win the war

in 25 words or less.

Why can't they send all the guys over for six days?

And stop the fighting?

Have you ever seen a general in an unemployment office?

"Candidates will be judged on dress and deportment.

"Finalists will be given an oral quiz

on historical knowledge."

Announce this and have everyone bone up.

‐Yes, sir. ‐The judge, by order of H. Q.,

will be Second‐In‐Command Major Burns.

I heard that.

You know, I've never been to Tokyo, sir.

But it sure has been a pet dream of mine,

ever since I was a tiny, little soldier.

Down, Radar.

Right.

I think this is an excellent directive.

Nothing is too good for the men.

I guess that's why they get so much of it.

Nice to see you come out in favor of the enlisted, Major.

Well, of course. I may be higher in rank,

but we all zip our pants the same way.

Why do I feel this meeting is over?

Dismissed.

At ease, soldier. You'll give yourself a concussion.

Oh, leave him alone. I find it refreshing

to see a salute around here for a change.

That goes double ditto for me.

These two get any more G. I.,

we'll have to start folding them at sunset.

Ma'am, don't strain your gut.

Thank you, Corporal.

Soldier of the month candidate, right?

Tie and everything.

Love the way you shined your nose.

You figure I got a chance with him?

I think he prefers blonds.

All right. Get moving, Corporal.

Stop standing there trying to sell a pup.

Yes, sir, Your Majorship.

Another fever case.

His temperature's very high.

He's got chills and a severe headache.

A thousand c. c. s? Who ordered this?

What's it to you, friend?

‐Frank, don't you think maybe it's time ‐Hmm?

we started cutting down on fluids?

These men are thirsty, Dr. Nosenheimer.

I didn't have to study medicine for seven years

to know the prescription for thirst is water.

Yeah, but look at the kidney output.

He's taken in two liters today,

and he hasn't produced enough

to water Aunt Martha's petunias.

His kidneys have shut down, Frank.

Acute renal failure.

These men are dehydrated from the fever,

which is why we're giving them fluids

in the first place.

Well, even you understand that, don't you, Major?

You don't look at all well, Frank.

Well, you stay up all night slicing cheese for rat traps.

Pierce!

Now, that one's all right. His temperature's almost normal.

He's also in shock. Acute renal shutdown.

We gotta get both these guys to the 121st Hospital.

That's 50 miles away.

That's where the kidney machine is, Frank.

And they don't have a long cord.

‐Sir? Hawkeye? ‐Thanks for the knighthood, Radar.

‐Huh? ‐What is it?

Uh, Father Mulcahy's back from Seoul.

He says he's got news.

All right, good. Get us a chopper.

Tag these two for the 121st.

‐Uh, right. ‐B. J.

Think you can handle things here, Frank?

I was suing people for payment

before you even thought of being a doctor.

It seems both the Japanese and the Russian soldiers

came down with this very same kind of fever,

same symptoms, everything,

in northern Manchuria during the late '30s.

Well, what was it, Father? What are we dealing with?

It was a Japanese‐American,

uh, Nisei, who was going through

some old Japanese medical journals,

when he came across the name

"hemorrhagic fever,"

and he realized that we're dealing with the same thing.

The doctors then were just as perplexed as you are now.

Great, we know what to call it.

Only, we don't know how to cure it.

There isn't a cure.

The only treatment is common sense medicine.

Well, that leaves out Frank.

Wait, wait. There's more.

"You must be very, very careful to restrict fluids."

You see, the fever often causes

the kidneys to shut down.

It seems that if enough fluids accumulate,

a man can actually drown in his own tissues.

Can you imagine that?

So we were right.

Thanks for the confirmation, Father.

Confirmation is my middle name.

Here's some letters from H. Q., sir.

Ah, yes, fan mail from the rear echelon.

Oh, good. Soldier of the Month quiz.

‐And the answers. ‐Oh.

Yeah. I'd better put this in the company safe.

Combination, Radar?

Uh, your wife's measurements, sir.

Right.

42... 36... 42.