The Gutter

So, it's a new font. It's called "Buffalo Wingdings."

All the little sauce bottles are O's,

all the little ranch cups are N's,

and the mansions are like dollar signs.

Let me be honest with you. Your resume is trash.

You really shouldn't list on here

why you got fired from those jobs.

How am I getting fired from a strip club?

Because this is, and always has been,

- just an Italian restaurant. - Then what are you doing

with all those dildos in the back?

They're breadsticks.

Look alive, look alive, look alive.

How's that potato salad coming on over there?

You're fired.

Hello? Hi?

Yes, my wife and I, we're looking for a nicer phone

to take pictures of our kid with.

Whoa, wait. You two are lesbians?

- Yeah. - And this is your lesbian kid?

Okay. Our son's not a lesbian,

unless he wants to be one day. But yes, this is our son.

Wow.

You're fired, Walt. Turn in your shirt.

I don't know why you cut the sleeves off.

I'm real, you know? I... I take pride in that.

You know, and I... I probably shouldn't tell you,

if we get any closer...

...there might be a problem, you know?

- So? - Nigga,

I'm not about to sleep with you on your job interview.

I'm just trying to get a job.

This is how it happens in the movies that I watch.

I shouldn't hire you.

You're under-qualified, you sexually harassed me,

and if this is you at your best,

then there's no way I can rely on you for anything.

I feel you.

Thank you for your time.

But...

I don't know.

- I like you. - Mm-hmm.

- You're stupid. - Okay.

So I'm gonna give you a shot.

This place, it don't make no money,

but I make just enough to keep the lights on

and to buy polish for those balls,

and every three months, I hit those shoes

with some of that spray.

- Disinfectant? - Roach killer.

It burns your skin, but it's cheaper.

Now, uh, you know how to bartend?

No, but I'll do it.

What's your policy on shirts?

- I don't have one. - Yes!

I won't let you down, Mozell!

It's a promise.

White people came from monkeys,

that's why their nipples are pink.

This is the bar.

Ice here, drinks there, fridge there,

cups there, napkins here,

- and the bottles here... - Yeah, I got it, I got it.

I'm thirsty.

This is Skunk, she get drunk here every day.

Okay. Could have said "former pro bowler,"

but whatever.

I know what you're thinking, "Skunk's a dude's name."

I'm thinkin' it's an animal's name.

What? Which animal?

This is Walt, he's the new bartender.

If y'all need anything, ask him.

Now, I'm headin' upstairs

to go to sleep on these ketchup packages.

They straighten out my back.

Hmm.

Why aren't you wearin' a shirt?

Too much laundry.

Why does your breath smell like Cool Ranch Doritos?

To cover the six beers I had for breakfast this morning.

What's the first thing that comes to your mind?

- About what? - Anything.

Why do ghosts always haunt people?

You know?

They never do anything helpful, like chores.

Why don't you scare those dishes?

All right, brother. I'll have a whiskey.

I got you, fam.

Oh, oh.

- Whoo! - Whoo!

Huh?

Huh?

Are we twins?

Identical?

A new Black king is in our midst!

Hello, pale witch.

- This is Brotha Candy. - I...

am a hotep, a Gemini, a Zulu shaman reincarnated...

and a nude model.

I don't know why I'm sensing loneliness

in your voice, bro.

It's okay. It's okay.

It's all right.

Not again!

Hey, Mom? Guess what, I got a job!

Power's cut off.

Okay?

Yeah, I... I... I see that.

Mom?

- Yes? - Mom!

Damn, I'm just playing with you!

- Come on, scaredy cat! - Wow.

Being poor is fun!

Ah! Don't you use my good spray.

Hey!

Yeah, I'm sorry, man. That's... that's my fault.

Eat it.

Children of Zion, is there dairy in these nachos?

Cheese is literally what makes them nachos, man.

Come on.

Hoteps be knowin' 100 percent of the wrong things.

- I need to go to the hospital. - Whoa.

It's been a month, Skunk, you still ain't got it?

It's one, two...

Yeah! Oh, no. Oh, look at you.

- See what I mean? - Oh, okay.

- So that's the electric slide? - Yeah.

Who's this school shooter all grown up? Yeesh.

Excuse me, sir, may I help you?

- Sir? - I'm looking for...

Mozell Lester.

- Yeah, well, I'm... - I'm Mozell.

- Hi. Hi. - Hi.

Uh, nice to meet you, I'm the city building inspector.

That is Mozell.

- Okay. - Is there a problem?

Well, we'll find out. I'm here for your evaluation.

I need to inspect the food prep area and the ovens.

- Someone working in there? - No, no, no, no.

That's just this little furry creature in the kitchen

who comes every few days and runs amok.

Okay.

I'll just go ahead and mark that with an F myself

- for the health department. - So what? Fail me.

I'll learn my lesson and we can move on.

Well, as the owner of the building,

if you want Alleycatz to stay in business,

you would have to bring everything up to code

in the next 60 days

or else we'd have to shut you down for good.

Shut us down?

You and what army?

Well, the mayor's office,

and the congressional representative's office,

as well as the police department,

and the fire department, and the FDA,

and the ATF, they would come too.

But... but not the actual army?

Right.

- No. - Hey, uh, question.

- Yeah. - White person to White person.

- Oh, yeah, sure. - Yeah.

How much is this whole thing gonna cost

- to just take care of it? - Uh...

you're looking at... 200,000 dollars

in renovations.

- No. - At least.

Sixty days or else.

- Bye, now. - Bye.

Well, who was that descendant of lizards?

Did the demon bring with him

- bad omens? - Building inspector.

He says that Mozell has 60 days to fix this place

or he's shutting it down.

Look, Alleycatz is a pillar of the Black community.

It must be preserved!

Why, it was in this very spot

when Malcolm Little changed his name to Malcolm X.

You don't even know.

It used to be short for Malcolm Exuberant.

But there was already somebody with that name.

This is too much for me.

I'm going to sleep on the ketchup again.

Mozell. Don't you worry, okay?

I personally guarantee

that nothing is going to happen to this place,

you have my word.

Well, I hope that's true, Skunk,

otherwise, you might have to pass out somewhere else.

Never!

Well, this freakin' sucks.

I'm just so angry, you know?

I could... I could just...

I could just...

Can you do that again?

- All right. - Mm-hmm.

- Okay. Excuse me. - Yeah.

Just wind it up.

- What? - Wind it up.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Let's do it again!