Two and a Half Men

Uh-oh.

Good morning.

Morning.

Charlie, right?

Well, I guess it's too late to deny it.

Would you like some coffee?

Uh... sure.

I would.

You have a beautiful house.

Thank you...

so much.

My name is Sandy.

Oh, yes... of course it is.

How could I forget?

Sandy like the beach or the... Koufax.

Pardon me?

You know, Sandy Koufax... great Dodger pitcher,

Hall of Famer, never mind.

So, Sandy... how'd you... sleep?

Oh, just fine.

How about you?

Great. Like a drunk baby.

Are you hungry?

Not yet. Maybe after I throw up.

What did you do last night?

Actually, I was hoping you could fill me in.

There's my little Sandy beach.

Good morning, Alley-Oop.

Oh, thank God.

I was afraid I was gonna have to quit drinking.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

*Ooh * Men *

So, what do you think of Sandy?

Arguably the greatest southpaw in the history of baseball.

My Sandy.

I don't know. I've never seen her pitch.

She sure can cook.

Well, guess how we met.

I suppose we can rule out Dodger Stadium.

In cooking class.

You've been taking a cooking class?

Where do you think I go every Tuesday night?

You're not here on Tuesday nights?

No.

I'm in cooking class.

And guess who's the teacher.

Who?

Sandy.

Oh.

Who's Sandy?

That's Sandy.

Oh.

Great story.

Alan is my star pupil.

And you are my star teacher.

Yo.

Can I have some more bacon?

Oh. In a jiff.

My mother always said, "A well-fed man is a happy man."

Our mother always said, "Here's ten bucks for pizza.

Don't wait up."

That reminds me, she called and invited us for Christmas.

You told her yes, right? Absolutely.

I thought you and I were going to spend Christmas together.

We are.

But you're going to your mother's.

What gave you that idea?

You see, Sandy, it's kind of a family tradition.

Every year, our mother invites us,

even though she doesn't want us to come.

We say yes, even though we don't want to go.

Then, when we don't show up, even though she's relieved,

she gets to complain to her friends

about what horrible children she has.

It's the perfect gift.

But Christmas is supposed to be

about spending time with your loved ones.

Yeah, and going to our mother's would cut into that.

This way, Alan gets to spend it with his son,

and I get to play stuff the stocking in Vegas

with a couple of saline-enhanced elves.

Does this mean that I'm finally going to meet your son?

I guess it does.

Gosh, I so hope he likes me.

The way you cook, your only problem's gonna be

keeping him from humping your leg.

Oh, that's the sheets.

If you fold them while they're warm, they don't wrinkle.

Huh?

Huh?

Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry.

Marriage, boredom, alimony, death.

You are such a cynic.

And you are such a sap.

How am I a sap?

Are you blind?

She's a nester.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means she throws you some tail,

a couple pieces of bacon, and bibbity-bobbity-boo,

you've got a roommate.

Bibbity-bobbity-boo?

Isn't that from Cinderella?

You don't think that bitch was a nester?

I find that just a couple of drops of lemon juice

on the dryer sheet really freshens up the whole load.

Really?

I find that just a couple Valiums in my coffee

keeps me from snapping necks.

Well, um, hold this, please.

I'm just going to pop these on the bed

while they're still warm and toasty.

So which one of you guys

is slipping the high hard one to Martha Stewart?

Hey, Brandi, it's Charlie Harper.

Listen, I'm coming back to Vegas for Christmas,

and I was wondering if you and your sister

wanted to celebrate the holidays again.

Harper.

Oh, wait.

It's possible that you remember me as Dr. Philip Gonzalez.

Right.

Yeah.

Hola.

Anyway, I'm sitting here making vacation plans,

and I'm thinking where better to commemorate

the birth of our Lord than Caesar's Palace?

Hey, Charlie.

Hungry?

Hold on, Brandi.

Not really, but listen, Sandy...

Now last chance.

I'm gonna start dinner, so the kitchen's gonna be

off limits for a while.

But it's my kitchen.

So?

I just thought it was important to point out.

You're so cute.

Look, Brandi, talk to your sister, work up an estimate,

and I'll call you back.

I've got a surprise for you.

A mini-blind brush.

A what?

I don't think Alan's blinds have been dusted in months,

but that's probably because you didn't have the proper tool.

Gee, thanks.

We got to talk.

I'm on it. You better be or else she's gonna be on it.

Because now I have the proper tool.

Listen, Sandy...

You had your chance, Charlie.

If you're hungry, take a pudding cup.

I don't want a pudding cup.

We need to establish a few ground rules.

Oh, okay.

I'm listening.

Okay, well, first of all,

Berta's been with me for a long time.

And what she lacks in housekeeping skills,

she more than makes up for in upper body strength.

What's that?

Rack of lamb.

Really? Mm-hmm.

You're making that for us?

Yep.

With roasted baby potatoes and caramelized carrots.

Ooh.

Anyway, anyway...

Ground rules.

Now I want to be supportive of you and Alan...

Oh, I'm sorry, one quick question.

Chocolate or raspberry soufflé?

It doesn't matter.

The point is... I'll just make raspberry.

Actually, I prefer chocolate.

Chocolate it is.

Now why don't I mix you up a little cocktail

and you can take a nap before dinner.

A nap would be nice.

Can I still have the pudding cup?

Okay.

But just one.

I don't want you spoiling your appetite before dinner.

Thank you.

Well?

Good news.

We're having rack of lamb for dinner.

Oh, no.

I'm hungry.

Where's Sandy?

She went to get a honey-baked ham for Christmas Eve dinner.

Ooh, honey-baked ham.

Yay!

I find it a little ironic that despite all your warnings

about her nesting instincts,

you haven't missed a single one of her meals.

Yeah, I'm a master of irony.

Hey, I thought you were going to Vegas for Christmas.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Then you'd have the whole ham to yourself.