Kumail Nanjiani: Night Thoughts

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Kumail Nanjiani!

Hi!

Yeah!

Hi!

Yeah!

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

How's it going, Chicago?

Just walking out, as soon as you-- I heard you cheer, almost started crying.

That's not... I got overwhelmed, thank you.

You are so absolutely wonderful.

It means so much to me that you're here tonight.

Uh, I wanna clarify one thing.

I wanna make sure you all know that I started off

as a stand-up comedian here in Chicago.

I did.

I-- I started off doing stand-up in Chicago.

Then I did it for many years.

I stopped for like 10 years, and now I've started stand-up again.

It's very important to me that you understand

that I'm not like an actor who's like, "Now, I'm gonna do some stand-up."

I'd rather you think I invented COVID, okay?

Also, do not get weird about the muscles.

I know some people get weird about them.

Don't get weird. Don't get weird.

It's like...

Some people get scared. Don't be scared.

These muscles can't hurt you.

These muscles are decorative.

These muscles have never seen combat.

This is the closest I've ever been to a fight, okay?

This was years ago when I lived in Brooklyn.

I was driving my wife's car around at night to try and find a spot.

I finally found a spot.

I pulled in, another guy was pulling in, we started arguing.

I was like, "Go fuck yourself."

He got out of the car, started walking towards me

and he was like, "What did you say?" And I was like, "I said...

I was sorry!"

That's the closest I've ever been to a fight.

Never been in a fight because I'm super good at apologizing.

Love being back in Chicago. A lot of stuff has changed, um...

Marijuana's legal here now.

I'm gonna start off controversial.

I think legalizing marijuana was a mistake.

Oh. Okay, hold on.

That's not the end of the show.

I have a point to make.

By the way, does anyone remember what it was like

buying marijuana before it was legal?

You had to, like, go to a guy's house.

You had to, like, pretend to be friends with a guy.

You had to, like, watch a little bit of The Matrix with him.

You had to pet his iguana. It was a fucking nightmare.

And then, what did you do after buying weed from him?

- Smoke. - Yes! Smoke with him!

W-What? No!

You have so much, I have so little.

Why do I have to give some of it back to you for free?

You don't do that at other places. At a restaurant, to the waiter,

you're not like, "Alright, here's a bite of my burger."

Let me explain what I mean, okay?

I think marijuana should be decriminalized.

I don't think people should go-- yeah.

I don't think people should go to jail for marijuana possession.

People who are in jail for marijuana possession should be let out.

I think it's ridiculous.

I just don't think it should be, like, 100% legal.

I feel I should have to break the law a little bit...

to feel the way I feel when I'm high.

I'll give you an example. A few weeks ago,

my wife and I were in Northern California.

We're going on a nice date night to a nice restaurant.

And I'd taken an edible.

And, by the way, now that weed's legal,

edibles are way better because there's a number on the box...

...that tells you the maximum high you will possibly get.

Back in the day, it was always a mysterious adventure.

Some people were just trying to prove a point.

I remember back when I lived here, there was an old lady

who'd go to bars and sell weed muffins.

And I once bought a weed muffin from her.

- Woo! - And I ate it, and she was like,

"You ate the whole thing?!"

"You have to go home right now."

And then I laid awake in bed for three days

thinking about every email I'd sent in the last five years.

So, much better now.

We were going on a date, I'd taken an edible, and I was super high.

But I knew the number on the box, so I felt safe.

So, we go, we sit down outside.

There's gorgeous mountains and the sun's in my eyes,

and I'm just staring at it like...

I'm so high, I'm just like, "You're high. I'm high.

Same word, two meanings."

The waiter comes up to me, he's like, "Sir, right now, the sun's in your eyes."

And I'm like... "Yeah, no--

Yeah, no shit."

He says, "Sir, right now, the sun's in your eyes,

"but once it starts to set, you are going to be treated

to the most beautiful sunset in all of California."

And I looked at this man super high, and I was like,

"Well, is the sun going to set behind the mountains?

Or in front of the mountains?"

It should be a little bit illegal.

I should have to break the law a little bit to forget how the sun works.

I was genuinely like, "Well, I've never been to your restaurant, so...

"I don't know how you're doing things here.

"I don't know if you're setting the sun behind the mountains

"or in front of the mountains.

But if it's in front, I would like to be reseated."

I've been going to a lot of concerts recently.

I love going to concerts. I love seeing live music.

It's one of my favorite things to do. It feels like magic to me.

- Like, I can't do that, and I love-- - Woo!

Yeah, I love going to concerts.

I'll tell you what I hate, and it happens at every concert.

I hate the encore. I hate the whole fucking thing of it.

Don't pretend to leave. Stay out here,

play all the songs in a row.

It's late. I have work in the morning.

Stay out here, play all the songs in a row.

Woo!

How fragile is your ego

that you have to make us extra clap for you...

...so you'll finish the show that we've already paid for?

We've been clapping for you all night.

What will fill the hole in your souls, musicians?

Don't make us play along with your silly little game.

They're like, "Alright, show's over.

We're leaving without playing our three biggest songs."

"Oh no!

"I can't believe the Eagles left without playing 'Hotel California.'

"And 'Desperado.'

And... 'Hotel California.'"

I don't really know their music.

I saw a show recently, this made me so angry!

When they pretended to leave for the encore,

the guitarist left his phone out there.

Bring that with you, man!

At least pretend you're leaving for good.

You know, if you're gonna do it, really commit to it.

Bring up the lights, open the doors,

insist the show is over.

And then, as everyone's leaving,

come back out and play three more songs.

Make everyone cancel their Ubers.

Chicago, you guys are so wonderful.

Can I talk about something that's a little, like,

emotionally difficult for me to talk about?

Are we okay with that?

I have your permission?

Yeah? Okay, great.

Um, I have a cat.

I do. Her name is Bagel.

I call her Everything Bagel because she is everything to me.

- I-- - Aw!

I tell you that story to-- to illustrate how disgusting my love is for her.

I love her too much. She's too important to me.

I'm scared by how much I love her. Like, she's my whole heart.

Sometimes I kiss her face so much, I put her whole-- whole face in my mouth.

I wish I could eat her

and have her still be around, you know?

Trump was right about immigrants.

I wish I could eat her, and then give birth to her,

because that's what true love is.

I have so many names for her:

Bagel, Bages,

Little Baby Bages.

And recently, out of nowhere, Sweet Christian Girl.

I don't know how it started.

I didn't even realize I was doing it. My wife caught me.

She's like, "Are you calling our cat 'Sweet Christian Girl'?"

It makes no sense because I am not Christian.

And she's not Christian.

I mean, she believes there's something, you know?

She's "spiritual."

Fuckin' Hollywood cats. Obnoxious.

Bagel, uh, just turned 16.

Alright, I don't need that.

Don't love that reaction.

I understand how time works, okay?

You can't do that with humans. "My grandma just turned 90."

I know, 16 is an advanced age for a cat.

Her age snuck up on me. I remember when she was eight,

when Little Baby Bagel was eight.

I took her to the vet, and the vet was like,

"You know the thing with geriatric cats is--"

and I was like, "What do you mean, 'geriatric'?!

"It's a little baby, look at her!

"That's a little baby. Write down 'baby' on your stupid chart.

I have a question for you. Are you an idiot?"

Pull out a laser pointer. "Is this the behavior of an adult?"

"Write down 'baby.'"

Her age snuck up on me 'cause there aren't, like, milestones

that mark the passage of time with cats, you know?

Like, they don't, like, go to school, and learn to drive, and get married.

No. Like, I got Bagel when she was this little.

A few months later, she was this big.

And since then, she's looked exactly the same.