Two and a Half Men

( plays melody from Beethoven's Fifth Symphony)

* If you've got bugs

* If you've got ants

* If you've got bugs and flies

* And slugs and things that crawl... *

We're here.

Mom, come see my room.

I'll be right there, honey.

Hey, Uncle Charlie.

Hi, shorty.

Hello, Charlie.

Hey, Judith. What are you doing here?

If you must know,

I'm here to help Jake set up his room

so he feels like nothing's changed.

Really?

You don't think he'll notice that his Dad's living here

and his Mom's dating chicks?

Could you say that a little louder?

Jake might not have heard you.

And just for the record, I'm not dating anyone

and I threw your brother out

'cause he was sucking the life out of me.

Could you say that a little louder?

Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet.

I don't suppose that's a Rubenesque 19-year-old girl.

Porky's his pet guinea pig.

You're bringing vermin into my house?

Uncle Charlie, check him out. Isn't he awesome?

Yeah.

See those little black things?

That's his poop.

Awesome.

I don't want him in the water this weekend.

He might have an ear infection.

Oh, Mom.

Oh, no, it's okay, pal.

We can go to Disneyland. We'll have a great weekend.

We can, we can play miniature golf,

we can go bowling, bike riding,

whatever you want.

Alan, relax, you're starting to sound

like a tampon commercial.

Jake, why don't you go put Porky in your room?

Okay.

Alan, I'm very concerned.

He's just a child.

I don't know if he can deal with this.

Give your son some credit. He's an incredible kid.

I was talking about you.

That's fair.

Yeah.

* Men...

Charlie?

That strange lady from down the beach is back.

Oh, yeah, she's here to baby-sit.

Come again?

Thought we'd go out and have a drink.

You want me to leave my son

with the whack job who's been stalking you

since your one-night stand?

Hey, you try and find a baby-sitter on a Friday night.

It's okay, Alan.

Charlie and I talked and I understand

that we're just friends, and that it's not okay

for me to sneak into his house

and lick all his silverware.

As reassuring as that sounds,

we can't go out tonight.

We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.

We?

Yeah.

I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.

Alan, I'm not thrilled about having

one small rodent in my house.

Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom?

I'll go! I'll go!

Maybe some other time, Rose.

And it turns out,

we're not going to need a baby-sitter tonight.

No problem.

I'm going to take this seat cushion, okay?

Knock yourself out.

Why does she want your seat cushion?

I don't know why she brought it,

I don't know why she's taking it.

Okay, then, I'll see you later.

You're still going out?

Yeah. Why?

I thought you wanted us to spend some time together.

Here?

Yeah.

Okay.

What were you thinking? Ten, 15 minutes?

Go. Thanks.

: Good morning, Uncle Charlie.

Morning, Porky.

Did you have sweet dreams?

Jake, rule number one.

Uncle Charlie does not like to start his day

with a squealing creature in his face.

Sorry.

Grandma's here.

She wants you to come down.

Okay, you're not listening.

Rule number one...

This is a list of the top

divorce attorneys in Los Angeles.

I've made appointments for you with each of them.

Mom, I don't need to meet any attorneys.

I'm not getting a divorce.

I'm sure you don't think so.

The point is, if you consult with all the good lawyers,

it's a conflict of interest

for them to represent Judith.

She'll be stuck with some ambulance-chasing clown

from Van Nuys who will fold like an origami swan.

Look, I don't want this to be...

Mommy busted her hump on this, Alan.

Thank you?

Morning.

Is that all you have to say for yourself?

You haven't returned any of my calls this week.

It's all I can do to not imagine you

lying dead in a ditch somewhere.

Right back at you, Mom.

What did you want to talk about?

You're too late. I'm not speaking to you.

All right.

Would you like to know why?

No, I trust your judgment.

Because when your brother's marriage ended...

Yes, I know, Alan, blah, blah, blah.

...and he chose to move in here,

your coldness towards your mother

became more than just the behavior

of an ungrateful son.

It's now an obstacle to my spending

quality time with my beloved grandchild.

Are you coming to Disneyland with us, Grandma?

Oh, darling, Grandma doesn't do Anaheim.

Well, uh, we better hit the road.

Try to beat the traffic. Thanks for dropping by, Mom.

Come on, let's go, Jake. Race you to the car.

Bye, Grandma. Bye, Uncle Charlie.

Bye.

Wait for me, I'm going!

Come on, boy. Come on, boy.

Heel, heel, heel, stay.

Oh, who's a good dog? Who's a good dog?

Hey, Jake, uh, you want to take him?

Whatever. Come on.

Get ready for bed.

I'll be right in to tuck you in.

"Happiest place on Earth," my snow-white ass.

I had a good time.

Oh, really?

Which part did you like best--

the equatorial heat, the endless lines,

or the large German woman

that threw up on me in the Teacup?

Okay, okay.

Maybe things could have gone smoother,

but tomorrow is going to make up for it.

Alan, you could get us all laid tomorrow,

it's not going to make up for it.

Hey, sleepyhead. You're just in time.

Pancakes are almost ready.

I'm not hungry.

Not hungry?

Come on, you've got to fuel up that engine,

got a big day planned.

My ear hurts.

Oh, no.

Let me feel.

Yeah, you're a little warm.

Probably another ear infection.

Um...

Okay, okay, new plan.

We'll, uh, we'll get you on the antibiotics.

We'll, uh, we'll watch a little TV,

play some video games... we'll have a great day.

I want to go home.

You, uh, you are home.

I know, but the real one, with Mom.

Okay, uh, I can understand that.

You know, when a guy's feeling sick,

he needs his Mom. Right, Charlie?

Well...

I may not be the one to ask.

Okay, I'll, uh, I'll call your Mom

and, uh, and tell her we're on our way.

All right, it's just you and me now.

Are you really sick or are you just faking it

to get out of another fun-filled afternoon?

I'm really sick.

Just checking.

Because I was going to fake it.

: * If your home is bug infested

* Filled with spiders, flies or gnats *