Archer

So, uh...

shut up, everybody!

And what do you mean, Mother killed Woodhouse?

Me? yes, you!

Yeah. duh.

Well, not, you know,

not her personally,

it was probably that golem of hers.

Mr. Zerk.

It's obvious that Archer's

bungled this whole thing,

which means we need to do a little... housekeeping.

Rgh? mm-hmm.

And don't bring back a dirty shovel.

Rrrgh...

Oh, my god, if someone doesn't bring me toast

I will literally die.

And how do you know about this?

Oh, come on, everybody knows.

Your partner got in too deep on his dope bill,

so she had that ape whack him.

If I find out you're lying to me...

Why would I lie?

That bitch...

Well, you know what they say,

you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fl...

Jesus!

What! what's the big idea?

The big idea is

we're going to dreamland,

and you're all gonna stay tied up

until I find out the truth.

Who keeps this much rope in their trunk?

Besides rapists?

Uh, mountain climbers?

Yeah, climbing up to their mountaintop rape-shed.

Their what? How would that even work?

Are the victims already up there, or...

and the next person who talks...

Son of a... what?

No, I was... gonna say rope salesmen.

Oh, god!

Anybody have a joke about socks?

No? okay, I got one.

Um, "sock sock."

And then you say "who's there?"

Okay, then, I guess just pout.

I-I don't understand. Are you a cop?

Uh, do I look like a cop?

N-no... and yet!

I'm commandeering this vehicle!

So listen... uh, I don't wanna tell you how to live your life,

but if I were you, I'd just go ahead and jump out.

And I'd do it sooner rather than...

later!

Double double, toil and trouble...

Although if I'm being honest,

it's really no trouble. I love my work.

Not as much as you do, obviously.

Alright, once my patient arrives...

Well, speak of the devil.

I was just... oh, damn it, what do you want?

Rrrrgh!

What?

Rgh.

Well, don't bring it back dirty. Rrgh!

Because it ruins it.

Now sit down!

Come on, I don't have all goddamn day!

I mean I do, but...

mm mmmf! Mmf mmfff mmf!

- What? - mmff! Mmf mmf! Rrmmfmf!

I can't understand a word you're saying.

Mm mmmf! Mmf mmfff mmf!

Oh, my god.

What? pfft, pfft.

I don't know, I didn't really have anything, I was just...

mmf mmmf! Mmf mmmf!

Pfft, pfft! Ptuh! Pbbb! There! Happy?

What the hell

is going on here?

Aha! aha what?

Aha, um, hang on...

Trexler? why the hell are you here?

I... aha! okay, I got it now. Sit down.

I beg your pardon?

Sit down!

Well, somebody likes to chew his cabbage twice...

Both of you! All right!

Rudolph the rude-nosed reindeer...

Now then, would you mind telling me

what it is you think you're doing?

I think it might be some kinda Hercule Poirot-type deal,

where he gathers everybody in the parlor.

Have you lost your mind?

Actually maybe, I dunno, I haven't slept in like a week

and I've been eating Dexedrine like candy, so...

are you seeing tracers yet?

I... no, shut up. What is this all about?

It's about you, killing my partner!

What? who told you that?

Trexler! wh... Trexler, you dirty liar!

Well, now, technically I said your goon killed him, but...

we had nothing to do with it!

Oh, and I'm just supposed to take your word?

You took his! Well?

Why would I have him killed? Because he owed you money!

Okay, well think about that statement.

Strangely illogical. Yeah.

It's not like he was walking around

with the money in his belly.

Then why'd you send me down to long beach

the night my office was robbed?

Burgled. whatevered!

To spy on Trexler! We're competitors! I...

which is why, you idiot, he's trying

to frame me for killing your partner! Trexler:

Slander!

Sue me! I got a half a mind to!

You've got half a mind, period. And all the burns.

And if I could, I'd sue you

for hijacking my truckload of whores!

That wasn't me, either! Yeah, Poovey took 'em.

Godddammit. what?

Yeah, what? Oh, don't play dumb, Figgis!

I'm not! I had no idea!

Or did he? Oh, you son of a bitch!

Why ya throwin' me under the bus?

I am gonna go buy a bus, and literally throw you under it,

and then drive it back and forth on your face!

See? spoken like a true killer!

Oh, like you're one to talk! I got three men in the morgue!

Again, that was Poovey.

What? goddammit! I mean...

Well, some people need to get shot!

Case in point! Rrgh?

Whoo! hey, gang!

What's happening?

Are you kidding me?

How are you here?

Commandeered a vehicle.

I mean how are you still alive?

I dunno, I guess just clean livin'!

A-and how did you know we were here?

I didn't! No, no, this is just

an almost unbelievable coincidence.

No, I'm actually just here for my blue stuff.

Your what? Um...

So this is a little awkward.

But he's actually my patient.

I don't care what he is... he's a goddamn robot!

Actually... nobody smashes up my club!

Mr. Zerk!

Grrrrghh...

Okay, but we gotta

make this quick...

Rarrrghh!

'Cause I'm about a quart low.

A quart low on what?

This! he has to have it to live!

Yeah, so come on, doc, fill 'er up.

Will somebody... Archer, shoot him!

What? no, he's my life's work! Yeah.

Plus it doesn't do any good. Look.

Owww!

Dammit, Archer! You did that on purpose!

- Come on. - Seriously?

What're you doing? Gettin' the hell outta here.

Wh...? no, you're not! Well, ya say that...

Come on, man, jam it in there

so I can start killing these shitheads.

What? no, no, that's not what I...

jam it! No!

I won't have you become

just another mindless killing machine!

How, could you possibly think you're the boss of me?

I'll show ya who's boss!

How ya like that?

Meh. well, then how about this!

- Oof! - woooooo!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...

I'm going as fast as I can!

What about me? What about you?

Get me outta here alive, all right?

And the ransom money,

we'll call it even. Yeah.

That's what you told Archer. And look what good it did him!

Wait, wait, wait, wait... rrrraagghhh!

Ungh! oh, my god, that really hurt.

Look at you, whining like your little buddy.

My what?

Yeah. the little limey dope-fiend.

When I gut-shot him and left him for dead.

What?