You Me Her

Previously on "You Me Her"...

You actually named the bar "Therapy"?

- I actually did. - Just because you're suddenly

an entrepreneur with a magical penis

doesn't mean that you're the new sheriff in town, capisce?

Mom's coming to town, and Jack's gonna make nice with her,

or I'm gonna go postal on his ass.

Sheriff Lala is fining us for Izzy's door.

That door represents our lives, our family, and our freedom!

And scene.

A-plus on the outrage.

Jack and Emma, you stepped outside of your relationship

to find a spark, and that spark's name is Izzy.

So why shouldn't she have the same opportunity to explore?

- Is that what you want? - No.

Remember my boss Nathan?

Last night, we made some not-so-good choices.

Holy shit.

We just egged the holy fuck out of Lala's door.

Hey, we're gonna lose our jobs.

Why did I drag you into this?

I wanted to be with you.

It's Lala, and she brought a movie.

What kind of movie?

A mash-up of my two favorite genres...

true crime and found footage.

From my neighbor's security camera.

Neighbor burned me a copy of his security cam footage...

so I can take it to the police.

What?

You're looking a little rough, sugar baby.

Excuse me?

Did you break into the grown-up's liquor cabinet?

If you have something to say to me...

Ooh! This is the good part!

- Is that Nathan? - Bam!

- Huh? - It's...

Nothing to see.

What the fuck, Iz?

Was Coach Remi right?

- Do you want to see other people? - No!

No, that's... are you guys fucking kidding me?

I mean, it... it... it's not what it look...

I mean, I ca... I can't. I...

Okay, so you guys are seeing what you want to see.

That's clear.

What... what is that supposed to mean?

You think we wanted you to cheat?

- I... - Hey, how's about you save

the therapy for some other time

and we circle on back to the tape?

In what way is you making out with Nathan our fault?

- Or not. - A, I didn't.

And B, you know what?

How about we just cut the bullshit, okay?

And let's just admit that we're never leaving Stepford,

and I'm never having my own kids.

How about you cut the bullshit, Izzy?

Saying that we want you to run off with Nathan

is the most desperate diversion

I have ever heard in my fucking life.

Okay, so, when you got pregnant,

we didn't just circle right back around to the life

you dreamt of before we met, right?

If this isn't what you want,

then why didn't you just say something?

You know, instead of buying us pumpkin spice candles

and planning a party.

It seems implied, like,

it's mixed into this great big bouillabaisse of crazy,

but you are confessing, right?

I'm sorry, Lala.

If I lose my job, we're gonna lose this house, and...

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but Hawthorne Heights is as good a place as any.

What? It is?

I said I'd try, so I will.

This is intense.

Listen, uh, how's about you stay off my lawn

and clean that egg off my door,

and we'll call it a day, okay, sugar baby?

I will.

Oh, fuck.

It's Helen.

Oh, God, I need this.

Guys, guys, guys.

I got news. I got glorious news.

- I just won the lottery. - Is... Is that a joke?

That... That's a joke, right?

Please tell me that's a fucking joke.

Five hunny, baby.

Dinner's on Daddy.

Okay, for the record, if he won five billion,

I still wouldn't call him that.

Unless you were screamin' it, am I right?

- A sex joke. - Okay.

So exciting!

Hey, um, I'm gonna go pee for a while

and maybe scarf your best vodka.

Probably at the same time.

So just, uh, have a wonderful day you...

Uh... You, uh...*

Winner.

"Daddy?"

Oh, yeah, I'd go back

and leave that one in the chamber if I could.

Uh, no, no, I understand.

Well, thank you for being honest.

Yeah, if we could just...

It's over.

And houses on this block hit the market, like...

- Never. - Yeah, never.

Yeah, somebody convinced her to take a matching offer

and that no one wants us in the neighborhood.

We made up, remember?

You guys can't possibly think that this makes me happy.

Honey, you're gonna hurt yourself... just say it.

I need to know that this will never happen again, okay?

We're about to have twins. We don't need a third child.

Well, you've made that pretty damn clear, haven't you, Em?

You know what? Let's... let's settle down, okay?

Nobody's decided anything about anything.

No, you know what? She's right.

I don't want any more kids.

Full stop.

Iz, we're almost 40.

We want to retire someday, travel.

That's not gonna happen

if we're paying college tuitions into our sixties.

And we've talked about this so many times.

Unless you've changed your mind.

Well, there it is.

Thanks, I guess.

My issue isn't with the concept of fitness, per se.

It's with the people that actually pursue it, you know?

Mm-hmm. I pursue things that are easier to catch.

Like the perfect pairing of a cheeseburger and a craft beer.

But, like, my fear is that the moment I find it, I die.

I'm joking? Uh, cool.

Brilliant.

I mean, you just get it, all of it.

You just strip it down to its most fundamental principles.

I do all those things?

That seems so unlikely.

- You're an amazing human. - Hmm.

And I would love to play just a small role

in whatever it is that you're creating here.

It's a bar, okay?

With stools and booths.

Sorry, carry on.

All the love.

Ahh.

How 'bout her, huh?

Got a signature sign off and everything.

She's certainly a... a shrew.

Oh, my God, right?

Horrible, horrible interviewee.

- Wait, oh, you're leaving? - Yep.

Can you actually...

Oh, a... are you seriously asking me

to take out that bag of trash?

Uh...

I could easily lie to you right now.

But I won't 'cause I respect you too much.

And it's right there, and you were just heading out, and...

And... and... and what? You're the boss?

Hmm? Is that what you were gonna say?

No, I was gonna say, it's just full of Styrofoam,

so it's not heavy or gross, but if you don't want to...

I quit, okay?

Good luck finding another bartender with a PhD.

Fun fact, seven of the applicants...

Oh, Jesus, really?

Oh, nope.

Neen, you're not seriously gonna quit a bar

that I named for you?

I'm, uh... I'm quitting everything.

I'm so confused right now.

Yeah, that is abundantly clear.

Every bumpy road leads us to this rug.

The hub of our universe.

Because we know we can only get here

and to each other by sabotaging ourselves.

Uh, speak for yourself, head shrinker.

I'm the victim. Shaun did this to me.

By getting his shit together?

Uh, by naming his bar after you?

By being really good at sex?

Oh, and, like, firing off pheromones

like a fireworks show? Come on.

He won the lottery.

Like metaphorically?

Literally.

Of course he did.

Okay, tell me your shit. It always makes me feel better.

Well...

Jack and Emma don't want any more kids.

"Full stop."

Oh, fuck.

I really thought that you were in the batter's box.