Never Been Kissed

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket

Never let it fade away!

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket

You know how some movies have a dream sequence,

only they don't tell you it's a dream?

This is so not a dream.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I was just trying to do my job, and then things happened.

My life happened.

And now I'm here.

Trust me, I'm not the kind of girl who does things like this.

Two months ago, you couldn't have picked me out of a crowd.

Hi. Call me.

Told you. I'm over there.

I was the youngest copy editor at the Chicago Sun-Times.

Josie. Hello.

"Theater"?

Standard American calls for E-R.

Standard British, R-E. So, unless you're

a pompous American, I would go with E-R.

I had my own office, unlimited stationery supplies

and a dedicated assistant.

How about this awesome new phrase,

"Power is powerful." Total T -shirt, right?

Amazing. what?

Can I get my messages?

Yeah.

Hey, seriously, last time I saw you, did I look fat?

OK, you hesitated. No, it's case-closed.

Excuse me, Merkin, there aren't any index cards,

so I can't do my notes...

Hey, hey, hey, Merkin ain't jerkin'. He's workin'. OK?

Take that to the bank. It's power, baby.

Yeah, my boss.

I'm just a little tense. This office is not feng shui.

All the desks are facing, like, evil, you know?

Do you think I should bleach my teeth?

Some sunshine around the mouth?

Or maybe I should just laser my gums.

Josie! Guess who I did it with last night.

Roger from Op-Ed?

Ah! who told you?

You said yesterday,

"I have a date with Roger from Op-Ed tonight,

"and I'm gonna do it with him."

Septuplet story. I need it by five.

Hopefully, the copy's not a mess.

"It's hoped that it's not a mess." "Hopefully" means "with hope".

You have it defining the copy, and I'm

pretty sure the copy doesn't have feelings.

Hm.

So, Anita, you and Roger in Op-Ed.

Oh, man, who told you?

Roger. Really?

Don't make me send you another memo

about my policy on interoffice dating.

It's intra-office dating.

And they're not dating. They're having sex.

Oh.

And what exactly is your policy, Augustus?

That if you're not getting any, then no one can? Hm.

How many times have I fired her? Five or six.

Eight.

Gus, did you get those story ideas that I left on your desk?

Morning, Mr. Strauss. The blind foster-home mother.

That was good. I got Cahoon on it.

Oh, yeah, Cahoon. He's good.

Geller, we've been through this. You're a great copy editor.

Maybe my best copy editor. You're not a reporter.

You've used five of my ideas. Gus, please.

Everyone thinks he can write,

but a journalist gets in there, where the bombs are falling.

He's aggressive. He grabs the bull by the balls.

You don't think I can grab a bull's balls?

You don't want a reporter's life. Trust me. They're very messy.

And you're all about order and control

and getting me my copy by five.

I can be out of control.

Copy by five!

Josie, maybe Gus has a point.

It's not gonna kill you to relax and have some fun.

Hey, Roger's got this friend, Marshall, in editing.

Maybe we could all go on a double date.

Marshall, "the Duke"?

I swear to God, Josie, come on.

Tell me, when is the last time you went on a real date?

I'm concentrating on my career now.

Do you own any colored underwear? Stripes or anything?

The right guy's out there. I'm just not gonna

go kiss a whole bunch of losers to get to him.

Yeah, but sometimes kissing the losers can be a really fun diversion.

Mm-hm!

when I finally get kissed, I'll know.

If you've never kissed a guy, we have bigger problems than underwear.

I've kissed a guy.

I've kissed guys. I just haven't felt that thing.

"That thing"? Is that what you kids are calling it these days?

That thing. That moment when you kiss someone

and everything around you becomes hazy.

And the only thing in focus is you and this person.

And you realize that that person is the only person

that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life.

And for one moment you get this amazing gift.

And you wanna laugh and you wanna cry...

cos you feel so lucky that you found it

and so scared that it'll go away, all at the same time.

Damn, girl. You are a writer.

OK, I'm finished.

what do you guys think? where do you think it should go?

In the bedroom? That's exactly what I was thinking.

Perfect.

The meeting just began. Let me start by saying

I was very impressed with that investigative piece

that Dutton did on pesticides in our supermarkets.

But since the Trib did a piece on

the same subject, only better, you're fired.

Huh?

Dutton, did you hear me? You're fired. Out.

Close your cubicle. Bye-bye, Dutton.

Hello, everybody else still working here.

Let's celebrate by doing another undercover feature!

Now, you know that my inspiration for these stories comes,

of course, from my personal life.

I mean, who would have thought that my foray into the hair plugs

would have resulted in last month's cover story?

"Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow." A great story.

Last night I'm sitting home with my family, having dinner...

Roger.

..and my younger boy starts to choke!

Then I realized my son was allergic to peanuts.

I said to myself,

"Holy shit! I don't even know my own kids."

"How much do we know about these

"high-school kids? what are they thinking?"

And then it hit me.

Boom!

"My Semester in High School."

You. what's your name?

J... J... Josie.

José? Josie Geller.

Josie Geller, you enroll Friday! Have fun!

The meeting just ended.

Josie. Josie!

..20-minute handstand. Freaked the yogi right out.

Excuse me.

Josie...

Uh... It's really happening!

"My first undercover feature, by Josie Geller"!

Josie, maybe you should turn it down.

why? You don't think I can do it?

No! It's just, this is a lot of pressure for your first piece.

This is not a half-a-page article.

This is a major undercover piece.

Look what Rigfort just did to Dutton, and he's his cousin.

Don't worry. I'm gonna straighten this all out.

You guys don't think I can do this?

we're not saying that.

when you wanted to seduce the mailroom guy,

and you thought you couldn't learn Spanish,

who quizzed you on your verbs?

Señorita Josie.

Gus, when you wanted to learn how to knit,

who showed you how to work the needles?

You did. You knit?

Yeah.

So this is my chance.

I'm not holding your job for you, Geller.

Thank you!

OK...

Don't make me give you my memo on interoffice hugging.

Now comes the hard part.

Oh, my gosh. You get to be 1 7 again.

wow. OK, what's the first thing you're gonna need?

You want Bambi? No way.

Rob, please.

why don't you just borrow Mom's car?

I can't use a minivan. I need a cheap car.

A vintage classic. It's just for a couple of months.

A couple of months is like ten years in Bambi life.

It's so weird that you name your cars.

why? Guys name their penises.

OK...

You can have my Buick LeSabre and name it anything you want.

Really?

LeSabre.

Nah, I don't think so.

Fully loaded. Maybe.

wow, are those shorts or a skirt?

They're gaucho pants. I got them on sale.

Aloha. welcome! Every customer gets a free lei.

Relax, Monty. It's just my sister. Aloha, my ass.

Shake it easy, buddy.

Have you talked to the admissions lady

from Lakeshore Community College yet?

No.

But you could start before next semester,

talk to her about a baseball scholarship.

It's too late, Josie, you know?

I'm not going to college. I'm not playing baseball anymore.

This is my life.