Night Court

-Wyatt said he's running late. He's on a date.

Aww, cute. So are they.

-Would you stop that, please?

We are just two sophisticates

who happen to have common interests,

and we engage in elevated discourse.

-I warmed up these bad boys under the hand dryer

in the men's room.

Hey, you know what?

I got us a burger we could split.

The bun is a quesadilla. -Come on.

You guys are adorable.

Eating like a couple teenagers headed to the electric chair.

Hey, everyone.

-You have your own roller skates?

-Yep -We get it.

You're the fun one now.

-I skated here from a date at the roller rink.

I realized I was late for work, and as I was putting on my shoes

without wheels, I thought, "What are you doing, dummy?"

-That a doggy bag? What's in it?

-You wouldn't be interested. It's roller-rink cheese --

Burger, dip, or fountain?

Jackpot. Cheesecake.

This is turning into a two-table day.

Get it. Get it.

-You will never guess who is here.

It's Pellino from Pellino & Carnes.

The lawyer's with all the commercials.

I love their jingle.

* Pellino & Carnes, we'll get you the cash *

* It's never your fault when you fall, slip, or crash *

That song is dangerously catchy.

They sued the guy who wrote it.

They sound like the stereotype

of what everyone thinks a horrible lawyer is --

ambulance chasing, morally bankrupt.

-Yeah, but not bankruptbankrupt,

and that's what intrigues me.

I've been slipping and falling all over this city

trying to meet him. And he's heading this way.

Mikey Pellino.

You guys keep doing what you're doing,

and when your hearts explode,

I'm going to make your wallets explode.

Let me ask you a question.

If just hisheart explodes, do I still get paid?

**

Oh, after all that food,

my stomach is creaking like an old ship.

I could use an Alka-Seltzer, but I hate the taste.

-Come on, man, you got to take care of yourself.

-Yeah. -Drop them in a milkshake.

Oh.

That's a good idea.

-I think it's great the two of you have a thing,

but maybe bond over a salad once in a while

so you don't go halfsies on a hearse.

-Thank you for your concern, but we're fine.

I'm, well, of course, me, and Flobert is healthy as a horse.

-Well, he is panting like he just ran the Kentucky Derby.

-Whew! Is this courtroom uphill?

Any doctor will tell you

he shouldn't be eating all that stuff.

-Oh, please. Doctors. All they tell you

is that everything you like will kill you.

Meanwhile, the oldest woman in the world

has never seen a hospital bathes in vodka

and eats cigarettes every morning for breakfast.

-And I don't trust those scalpel jockeys.

Always trying to get me to donate my organs.

When I die, my butt's coming with me.

-Flobert, don't nobody want a butt with that many miles on it.

When you do die,

promise me you'll do it on government property.

Olivia Moore. 5'6". Gemini.

I put the cute in prosecutor.

-Mikey Pellino. Pellino & Carnes.

If you ever want to sue your parents

for making you too beautiful.

-When I was 9, I threatened legal action

on grounds of cruel and unusual bowl cut.

-Girl, I think I'm falling for you. And I ought to know.

Most of the people that I talk to are on the ground.

I hear wedding sirens.

Hey, Wyatt, you're a guy

who's been around the roller rink a few times.

I was just looking at my ex-fiancé's Instagram.

If a guy posts a picture raking leaves with a woman,

that doesn't mean they're dating, right?

No, it doesn't mean anything.

Except he's bad at Instagram.

-And this one where they're in bed?

-I take that back. He's good at Instagram.

So great. Rand found someone.

I mean, not surprised. He's a wonderful guy.

Little faster than I thought, but I'm happy for him.

My eye just twitches when I'm happy for people.

It's fine if you're not.

I didn't handle it great when my ex-wife moved on.

A barista said, "Flat white for Wyatt,"

but I heard, "I never satisfied her in bed."

I really am fine with it.

I was the one who broke it off 'cause over the years,

I changed, and it started to feel like I was settling.

She looks like she's happy to settle with him

under the quilt I made.

-I'm not great at changing the subject,

but first up...

...the people versus Roscoe Verma.

The defendant was involved in an altercation

over a jar of pickles at the Union Square Farmers Market.

Mr. Verma instigated a melee

that led to him being tossed into a display of Amish gourds.

The charges are destruction of property and defiling a pumpkin.

-Not on purpose. I landed on it wrong.

-Your honor, the only thing my client is guilty of

is enthusiasm.

Trevnick Pickles are the city's finest.

And this was the last jar at the farmer's market.

I posit that perhaps the pickle purveyor

prompted this predicament by producing

and promoting this peerless pickle

despite a paucity of product for the pumped pickle public.

Proceed.

This must be some pickle.

Got to sample the evidence.

This pickle is not great.

In fact, it's bad.

Poor cucumber, what did they do to you?

-With all due respect, that is the perfect pickle.

Clearly, you don't know when you have something fantastic

right under your nose.

Excuse me?

Whoa, your eye is going nuts.

-I know a good thing when it's in front of me.

Are you telling me that you would really choose this pickle,

forsaking all others for as long as you shall live?

I do.

I always cry at weddings.

Can you believe that guy?

Saying I don't know something's great

when it's right under my nose?

That pickle was straight-up junk.

-Is there a chance this isn't about pickles?

Maybe you're feeling a little weird

because your ex is seeing someone and you're not.

Are you on any dating apps?

-Almost. I'm still fine-tuning my profile.

Like, what picture do I go with?

Strong and sexy?

Girl next door?

Or cousin but worth it?

Forget the apps.

This is a city full of possibilities.

Get out there and find one that makes you happy.

You're absolutely right.

There's no point in sitting here and spinning out over this.

That's what I'm saying.

-I got to get out there, take some risks,

put my heart on the line.

-Yes, Judge. I'm with you 1,000%.

Great. That settles it.

We're gonna find the best damn pickle in New York City.

-So glad we sort of had this talk.

Wow.

I'm assuming that black card was paid for by black ice.

-Speaking of breaking the ice, are you free tomorrow night?

I know this little Italian place.

It overlooks the most dangerous intersection in SoHo.

-That sounds lovely. Nothing like candlelight,

a little vino, and the sound of pedestrians screaming,

"Wait, don't!"

-I mean, did Cupid just hit us with an arrow?

-I certainly hope so, 'cause I've always wanted

to sue a baby.

-Olivia, meet the man behind the ampersand.

This is my partner, Calvin Carnes.

I was just telling her about DiVitello's.

-Pellino's taking me there tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?

Garsh, bud, don't we have that working dinner

to talk about the toilet-alligator case?

We're alligator litigators.

And we're suing the sewers.

Thanks, Pellino & Carnes. -Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.

-Well, maybe I could help with the case.

-Alligators -- thick snout or thin?

Thick. Thin is crocodiles.

-Ooh, she's good, Carnes. What do you say?

-I don't know. I just don't want you to feel

like a third wheel. Ooh, speaking of which,

I saw a school bus out front with a wobbly front tire.

Let's go put the class in class action.

-A man's got to sue what a man's got to sue.

-Well, at least I still have his number.

I'm going to need that.

-Come on, Dan, he's eating Fritos now?

His cakes aren't here yet.

I knew you wouldn't let this go.