Workaholics

You die, okay? You're dead. There's nothing.

Just your body getting eaten by worms and slugs.

- Ugh. - Yeah, I don't know, though.

I think that heaven is real, and I'm gonna go to it,

'cause, like, right before I die,

I'm gonna just join all the religions, right?

So if, like, God is actually, like,

Buddha or, like, Jesus,

or, like, tom cruise,

like, I'll get up there, and I'll be like,

"yo, man, check the list. I'm on that."

- Right. - You know what I mean?

I don't know, man. I'm just tossed up

because, like, part of me is like,

dude, I wanna party with Satan,

'cause he, like, seems pretty cool,

but then again, I'm really trying to kick it

with the big N.W.O. out in the sky.

You know what I mean?

Well, he has, like, horns on his head,

and the other dude is just like Morgan Freeman...

- Right, right. - Who's God.

And although he's pretty cool and he has...

Wears earrings and, like, bangs, like,

you know, 19-year-old models...

- Yeah. - Actually,

let's kick it with Morgan Freeman.

Are we sure he's not Satan?

Yeah, I don't care how long

you've been a veterinarian.

Oh, damn.

- Oh, shoot. - She was supposed to have

her nails trimmed and her anal glands expressed,

and guess what, pal... they weren't.

Boss, boss, boss, boss.

Whoa. What the heck is this?

Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo. What are we looking at here?

Hello. Excuse me, sir.

What is all this?

We're having our annual employee appreciation day.

- Cool! - Employee apprec...

This is the frickin' coolest company ever.

It's like Pixar or something or like Panera bread.

At the end of the night, instead of throwing away

all the bread, they give the employees the bread.

They're like, hey, you did a great job

on the cash register today, Sharon... take home a sourdough.

- And they split up the breads. - Oh, sourdough.

We love hot bread. We love a good hot bread.

That sounds good, but we make dog food for the military.

Well, I'd eat dog food if you'd let me ride

one of these things.

Military dogs, dude.

Oh, that could be an Air Bud sequel.

Like, kill 'em all, let dogs sort them out.

Dogs sort 'em out.

I didn't like that one.

- He didn't get it. - Can we ride the go-karts?

Sorry, guys, these go-karts are for employees only.

Hey, we're employees over there, right over there.

- Technically. - Telamericorp.

- We're employed. - Well, our employees.

We have little kids that want to ride them, so...

Okay, I think I know what's up.

- Hold up, man. - Yeah, yeah.

Allow me to give you some green

to ride, huh?

I ain't talking money. Boop, boop, boop, huh?

- You like-a the kind? - Do you like weed?

You wanna smack-a-bee?

Guys, it's not happening, okay?

Okay. Wow, well, you're being a rude dickhead.

We're trying to give you drugs in exchange to ride go-karts,

and instead, you're a real frickin' prick about it.

Get the hell out of here, you burnouts!

You come to the parking lot near our work,

and you tell us that we can't freakin'

ride your go-karts?

- Yeah! - I don't think so, Jack!

I'm gonna frickin' flip this bitch over!

- Oh! - Oh! Ooh!

- Guys, a little help. - If you flip

that go-kart over,

I'm gonna beat the out of you.

- Yeah, he looks serious. - Okay, yeah.

I'm a little more intimidated by him.

You kinda look like a little bitch.

Hey, you know what?

No hard feelings, and in fact...

Sorry. Irish guys.

Suck my ! Okay, run!

- Go, go, go! - Run run run run run!

Suck his ! Don't touch mine.

Hey. Where the hell have you been?

- Uh... - And you reek of weed.

No, us?

Uh, actually, that's go-kart fumes,

and you'd know that if you would ever

employee appreciate us every once in a while.

All we want is an entire day

where you thank us with go-karts

and maybe a cotton candy machine

and may... I was thinking maybe, like,

the goo goo dolls could perform,

and I could sing Iris with them onstage.

- Yeah. - Personally,

I don't want the world to see me,

'cause I don't think they'd understand.

They wouldn't.

Well, I'd appreciate

if you'd get back on the phones.

You know what? Why don't you appreciate us

for the calls we've already made for you?

Get back to your desks, now!

- Okay. - Okay.

Oh, my God, we are fricking funny, dude.

- Yeah. - Ders, you are a straight-up

Photoshop Gandalf, my man.

- That is so good. - So you're, like... that's a...

- You're a wizard, right? - Yeah.

- That's what I meant. - "Erect chin pills."

I cannot wait for somebody to call us.

- We're gonna burn 'em, right? - Yeah.

- Right? - It's so funny because, like,

you can't just take a pill and make your chin bigger.

You need to have surgery for that.

Right, yeah, no, that's true, but, um,

you know, the joke is that "erect chin"

- sounds just like "erection". - It does.

Ha ha. Yeah, uh, uh,

but erection pills actually work.

And chin pills do not, and that is the joke.

Yeah.

Whoa, dudes, check a load of this.

"Free massage chair."

When did that get up there?

Oh, my gosh.

This thing is freaking incredible.

I mean, this chair is legit, dude, and for free?

What I love about it is now I don't have to make you guys

walk on my back. I'm gonna call this guy.

You don't make me do that. I do that to massage my feet.

Yeah, to be honest, I hate walking on his back, man,

because, like, I'm afraid that I'm gonna toothpaste-tube

poop out of his butt.

Hello, yes, I'm calling about the massage chair.

Yeah, I was won...

Okay.

Yes. Okay. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Okay, okay, okay. Update, update.

Just talked to the guy. Here's the deal.

He already promised the chair to somebody.

But...

If we get there first, the chair's ours.

2:00... that's the deadline.

I mean, we got an hour lunch.

- You think we can make it? - Yeah.

I know we can.

Friendship, power,

perseverance!

Yeah!

All right, so I'm thinking the chair should go in my room

because it would match my upscale decor.

No, no, no, no.

If anything, it's going in my room,

and then if you guys, like, wanna reserve a time,

you can do so, unless I've already reserved a time,

in which case, you can't do so.

Wrong answer.

We're putting the chair outside by the pool, baby.

- We're gonna get some massages... - What?

While you're looking at the water.

Real nice setup. Trust me.

- You're gonna love it. Mwah! - Are you crazy?

The water right there? You're gonna get electrocuted.

It should go in my room, which has a view of the pool.

Also, you'll have access to my 300-CD-disc carousel.

Hit "Rando", lean back, jam-oh-nay.

Y'all don't even know about my squad!

- Great, now he's yelling. - Okay?

'Cause I got movie posters in... in my room.

Shazam, blue chips, steel,

all Shaq movie posters, mostly,

because I think he's a fantastic actor.

And also one Chris Mullin basketball poster.

- I hate to put my foot down... - Not a movie.

But I actually talked to the real guy.

I thought there was a Chris Mullin movie.

So I think that that means that I have...

- Dibs. Oh! - I was just gonna say dibs!

- Dibs. - Oh, yeah!

I have the only car that can pick it up.

- You did! - Hey!

Oh, you did it before I could do it!

- You did it before I could do it! - Stop! What are...

Don't push me! Now he's in there. Great.

Not doing it. I'm not doing it.

Blake, you don't even know how to drive, man.

- Shut up. Yes, I do. - Come on.

Listen, you wanna play with fire, Anderson...