Small Town Hero

Are you happy, boss?

Okay, so I think we're good to go

and we're just gonna do a quick soundcheck.

So you know, tell us about this village cinema.

Oh aye, yeah, a cinema's gonna be great,

yeah, gonna do it my way though, yeah,

confiscate mobile phones on entry,

how fucking annoying are they?

Now no crisps, yeah, bagged goodies have to be opened

beforehand, no noisy goodies, no slurping ice.

Hey, we could bring back Guses, could we, remember them?

I could do that, no talking, turn your phones off,

it could be our motto that, couldn't it?

Play it before the trailers.

Sit down, shut up and watch the fucking film!

Is this how I'll be sitting?

Okay, we good?

Right.

Well, like most people, things annoyed me,

living in a dump, seeing people do stuff,

getting frustrated at stuff not happening.

I don't know, I guess when I lost me old job,

I got more frustrated seeing people signing on,

not even looking for work

and I don't know, I had more time to think about things.

I was at the pub and I had a go at Mick,

he owns like the local shop

and his windows are boarded up,

they look a right fucking mess, so I said get 'em done

and he said, "There's no point in fixing 'em,

"every time I do, all the kids smash 'em,"

because apparently it's a perfect place

for 'em to hang out, get drunk and so on.

I didn't believe him, I said just get 'em done,

if they get broken again, I'll pay for 'em, so he did

and barely a few weeks in, they got smashed

and I made him a promise,

no way would boards go up on them windows again.

So every Friday and Saturday night I waited out there,

every time a group of kids came,

I said fuck off and they did,

but then they come back, usually the same ones.

I thought I can't do this forever,

I need a different strategy, so I hid and waited,

kids came like I knew they would,

got settled, started drinking, getting lairier and lairier,

they started graffitiing, abusing people walking passed

and then started trying to break stuff,

so I thought right, and I come out, they recognized me,

"Ooh, it's him, have you come to tell us off?"

I said fucking yes, stop banging the fucking windows.

Anyway one of 'em come at me, so I pushed him away,

nothing fucking harsh or anything, just keep him off.

I was saying stuff like, you know, leave it, calm down,

but they weren't listening

and then we started all hitting each other.

I held on to one of 'em till the coppers come

and I was a fucking instant hero,

but you know what?

Six months on, Mick's windows are still intact

and then after the article came out,

the local Neighborhood Watch got in touch,

wanted me to join, I thought I don't fucking think so.

But then I started to think about it,

what better way to show me newfound passion

for making the community a better place?

You're getting the fuck out, yes, you are, aren't you, ey?

Yeah.

- Yes, you are. - I know.

Next time I come that isn't gonna be there, is it?

Well, I think it's definitely an inspiration,

I think people see someone like Pep

standing up for what he believes in.

Fuck!

I think it's given everyone some much needed oomph really,

you know, it's showed everyone

that they don't just need to sit there and not get involved,

they can actually do something about it.

Hey, lively, in' he?

- Is he a good guard dog? - Not really, he doesn't bark.

It's no good licking the bad people, is it?

Oh no, he's a good dog, hey, it's a good name as well,

my son's called Billy.

He's just right here at the bus stop with a film crew,

with a sound man and a massive, furry mic.

When me and my mates are playing,

we're all like Pep's coming and then everyone legs it.

Give 'em a wave, ey, get these lot!

Are we on the telly?

Dunno, maybe, is it?

If we get good enough footage.

Hey, don't worry about that.

- He's dangerous. - Is he heck.

What if he bites one of the kids?

He won't, he's just running around,

we come here all the time.

Yeah, it only takes one moment and them dogs can snap.

Now I'm asking you nicely put him on a lead.

Clean up the streets and that,

nobody else is doing it, so fair play to him.

There should be more people like him.

I left the pub on the piss like

and got done over on the way home,

pretty bad, face smashed in,

big scar on the back of me head,

see it, pretty big, in't it?

- Yeah. - It's there.

I can't hear what she's saying.

That's 'cause she's talking to me,

- we're trying to make plans. - Put her on loud speaker,

- let's listen. - Yeah.

- Hey, I'm not finished yet. - What are you doing,

you dirty bastard?

I think he would've preferred an on-the-spot fine.

Show 'em your chin.

Yeah, me chin, look,

nice, big scar, makes me look like Harrison Ford.

Not really, mate. Come on in.

You know, I think he's become a bit of a local hero really

and I think most people in the village

would like to shake his hand and say thank you.

Most people?

Well, not everyone loves you, Pep.

Get away, eh, show me the ones that don't like me.

Cut that.

Alright, Pep, the same?

Yes, please, same as usual.

Anything for you?

Ey, oh, no, these are working.

Same thing every day, finish work, come in here

and pick a brew up, then go out and about.

You're gonna be a little celebrity,

- aren't you, Pep? - I already am.

- Have you got a lid for that? - Sure.

Smashing.

- Lovely, and there you go. - Thank you.

- Keep the change. - Oh, thanks.

Come on.

Now good news, we were successful

in our application for a Lottery grant,

so that's the village cinema paid for

and there'll be a little left over.

Can I have some new boots then?

It's not for you, Pep, it's for the group.

But I thought.

But I do think it's a good opportunity to get a uniform,

make us look more official around the town, any ideas?

T-shirts.

How about we get some high-vis jackets?

High-vis jackets?

I don't want to be highly visible,

how the fuck do you expect me to creep up...

Pep!

Sorry.

How do you expect me to creep up on someone

with a high-visibility jacket on, ey?

Can we claim my mileage now?

No, if I can't have boots, you can't have mileage.

I'm patrol leader round here and I ferry everyone around.

Now everyone,

I'm afraid I have some rather disturbing news,

I've been informed there's a possibility

that a convicted pedophile has been released

and reintegrated into Hewson.

You what?

They could have been living here

- for a number of months. - Who informed you?

A friend on the police force.

Well, he won't be reintegrating much longer,

find out who it is.

Will it be safe to walk the streets?

I think you're a bit old for him, Patty, love.

- What do we do? - We find out who he is.

Look, if it's true, the police will have to tell us,

then we bring him down.

But we sorted this place, people feel safe here,

let's not destroy that,

we keep schtum till we know more.

They don't help themselves, these people, you know,

honest, they're stupid.

I wanna show you I can go in their houses, steal stuff

and they won't have a clue what's going on.

Alright, mate.

Come on.

Can you hear me?

Give me a wave if you can hear me.

Right, get as much of this as you can.

Promise you won't listen if I piss.

- Hello, Mr.? - Mr. Johnson.

Mr. Johnson, hello, I'm from the Gas Board

and we've been detecting leaks in the area,

so I'm just going round people's houses

checking everything's okay, there's me ID,

is it alright if I come in?

- Yes, of course. - Smashing.

- Ooh, nice picture. - Thank you,

the meter's in there.

Righto.

It's in the cupboard.

Over here?