Two and a Half Men

Hey. What are you doing?

Picking out a shirt.

Oh. That one looks nice.

You like it? Yeah.

Then no.

Okay. Uh, listen, I was wondering, um...

do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?

Alan, I don't think that far ahead.

It's this Thursday.

No kidding.

Didn't we just get through

that whole pumpkin... the costume thing with the kid?

Halloween?

Yeah.

Yeah, three weeks ago.

Huh. Then no, I-I got no plans. Why?

Well, I was thinking, uh,

Jake's going to be with his mom and her parents,

and I thought maybe you and I could do something.

Okay. Want to go to Vegas?

Well, I was thinking something a little more traditional.

Reno?

Charlie, it's a family holiday.

Yeah, so, I'm your family...

unless you want to spend a perfectly good Thursday

with Mom the Impaler.

Think we can get into the Bellagio?

Leave it to me.

Ooh, that one's nice.

Here's what we'll do.

We'll fly to Vegas, have a big steak dinner,

get you a lap dance and a bucket of nickels.

What are the nickels for?

I'll explain it on the plane.

You know, that-that sounds kind of fun.

Two single guys rockin' out in Vegas.

The-the glitz, the glamour...

Dude...

don't gay it up.

You know, I like this shirt much better.

Stop screwing with me, Alan.

So, uh, who's the lucky gal?

Remember Lisa?

Lisa who used to live here Lisa?

She lived here; she moved out.

She lived here; I moved out.

At one point, neither one of us lived here.

Yeah,

that Lisa.

Wow. So she's going

to take you back again?

Hey, who said she's the one who broke up with...

Yeah, I'm hoping.

Well, good luck.

Thanks.

I've completely lost confidence in this shirt.

Hey, Lis, sorry I'm late.

Hey. How many times did you change your shirt

before you left the house?

I wanted to look pretty for you.

You're such a girl.

Thanks, you too.

It's good to see you.

It's good to see you, too.

So... you want to just blow this place

and get a room?

I can't.

Why not?

I'm getting married.

Yeah. Ha, ha. Me, too.

I'm not kidding.

You can't do that. You love me.

That's not the point.

I'm tired of doing

this dance of death with you:

hooking up, breaking up, making up...

That's not a dance of death.

That's... the circle of life.

It may be your life, but it's not mine.

Not anymore.

I'm moving on.

To what?

To settling down.

To having a family.

To not having my heart constantly broken

by a man who refuses to grow up.

And that would be me?

Yes, you, you big ass!

But the sex was awesome, though, right?

Yes, it was... but there's more...

to relationships... Is it awesome with your fiancé?

None of your business.

It's not, is it?

God, why did I call you?

I'll tell you why.

Because in your heart,

you know you're about to make a huge mistake,

and you want me to talk you out of it.

No. I was hoping you and I could have some closure.

Well, then I refer you back to my suggestion

that we blow this place and get a room.

Same old Charlie.

What if I wasn't?

Would you still be marrying this clown?

Bo is not a clown.

Bo?

Bo.

I'm sorry.

Bo-Bo is a clown.

Charlie, you'll never change.

Look at you-- a grown man who can't even commit to long pants.

Hey, I could commit to long pants.

I was just focused on the shirt today...

And for your information, I've gone

through changes like you wouldn't believe

since the last time we were together.

Like what?

Well... I have a kid now.

Oh, God, Charlie,

what poor girl did you knock up?

No, no, no. It's my nephew.

He and my brother are living with me now.

I'm, like, Mr. Family Guy.

Yeah, right. Family Guy.

How's it going with your mom?

What the hell's my mom got to do with family?

Come on, Charlie.

We both know you'll never have a successful relationship

with any woman, let alone me,

until you resolve your issues with your mother.

Well... as a matter of fact,

it just so happens,

on that note, since you mentioned it...

...those issues are resolved.

Really.

How'd that happen?

You know, uh... communication,

self-reflection, personal growth, crap like that.

The important thing is I now have

a much deeper appreciation for--

what do you call 'em-- traditional values.

Traditional values?

This from a guy who offered my sister a car

if she'd come to bed with us?

It was a joke, and I was drunk...

...but still, it shows a yearning for family.

Okay, this is going nowhere.

Lisa, wait. I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

I-I don't want you to not be in my life anymore.

I'd-I'd like us to be friends.

I'd like that, too.

Good. So when are you getting married?

Well, we haven't set a date.

We're going to talk about it when Bo gets back from New York on Monday.

Oh, so, you're all alone for Thanksgiving?

Yeah. Why?

Change of plans.

* Men... *

We're going to have a big family dinner right here.

Uh-huh, and whose big family

were you planning on inviting?

You know, you, me, Jake, Mom, turkey,

just like the good old days.

What good old days?

It's just an expression.

Don't get hung up on it.

Oh, and Lisa might come.

Okay, what's going on?

I need to show Lisa that I'm a family guy.

But you're not.

That's not the point.

She's about to go off and marry some jerk

just because he loves her and wants to settle down.

Oh, I get it.

You're Satan.

Alan, this is serious.

I could lose her forever.

Wow... and you care?

I love her, Alan.

She's the only one I ever thought

I might eventually wind up with.

"Eventually wind up with."

I'm touched.

So, you want to, what,

keep her warming up in your bullpen

until the bottom of the ninth, when you lose your... arm?

Okay, I don't know how we got onto sports...

...but the thing is I really care for Lisa,

and she needs to believe I'm capable of changing.

Ah, but the thing is you're not.

We don't know that.

I might be.

Who knows what would happen if I actually tried?

You're-you're really serious about this.

Alan, I've got a 200-pound turkey melting in my lap.

What do you think?

Okay, okay. How-how can I help?

Well, obviously, we can't have

a family Thanksgiving without a kid,

so you need to get Jake back from your wife.