Moone Boy

It was the summer of 1990. and Martin and Padraic...

...had decided to build a river raft.

It was their most exciting construction project yet.

A bold, brilliant idea.

Although neither of them could remember what had actually inspired it.

"We said there warn't no home like a raft, after all."

"Other places do seem so cramped up and smothery,

...but a raft don't. You feel mighty free and easy and comfortable on a raft."

- Raft - Smotherly butter.

Their plan was simple. As simple as two young simpletons.

We'll sail into town on a boasting hot day...

and eat ice creams.

And all of our friends can go swimming off it!

Yeah! We'll be the most popular lads in town.

Two virile young fellas rockin' the waves...like Wham!

But following some construction setbacks including Padraic's biscuit based stripe...

...it was nearly November by the time the raft was finished.

So our silly little seaman made a new plan.

We'll turn it into a halloween ghost ship!

A ghost raft! And sail into town, and freak everyone out.

Yeah! We'll be the most popular lads in town.

Like Erasure!

No Padraic. We'll be the scariest, most frightening, terrifying lads in town.

Who are also loved by everyone! Like the Culture Club!

So when we throw Padraic overboard how do we make it look like an accident?

And on this Sunday, the eve of all hallows...

...I'd like to extend a very special hallow and welcome back Father Roche...

...from his missionary work in the depths of the Amazon.

Sounds like he had an absolutely lovely time.

and the rumors of him "Going Native" are grossly exaggerated.

No, really, they are. So let's put a stop to that gossip now.

Now let's have a reading from St. Paul.

A reading of the letter of St. Paul to the Colossians.

Brothers and sisters, put on as God's chosen ones...

I'm not sure about your choice of reader Father.

Fidelma? Oh, she's one of the best readers in her school.

Lovely diction. Always, always puts the pauses in the right places.

Pregnant pauses, are they?

I, I suppose that Del there might be a bit pregnant, Yes Sir.

But listen to her. She makes those Colosians come alive.

I don't think that being a pregnant unmarried teenager

...has any affect on the quality of her reading.

This is the... Oo, Jesus.

Sorry. He gave a little kick.

Where was I? End of Bible?

Thanks be to God.

Thank you, see you now. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, Fidelma? Lovely, lovely, lovely reading.

I wondered, could I have a quick word?

It'll have to be quick Father. I haven't had a wee in 9 minutes.

It, it's a little bit of a delicate matter you could say but...

Looking good, buddy.

We're going to be the best plumbers in all of Boyle.

We're not plumbers, we're ghost busters.

What? No. I thought we were the Super Mario Brothers.

Don't I look like I could bust a ghost?

Uuh, You look like you could bust a clogged drain.

Wait, wait. If I'm not a Mario Brother why does this keep happening?

Oh, that's an imaginary friend fart.

What you doin' out there Martin?

Um, going trick or treating.

It's 1PM.

Got to start early to get the best sweets.

Aren't you a bit old for trick or treating?

Ah Trisha, let Martin cling on to his childhood if he wants.

Soon enough, he'll be stuck in some dead end job where his only treat...

...is a bit of peace and quiet, and his whole life will be...

...like some sad bad trick.

But that's if the Astronaut thing doesn't work out pal.

Or the jockey thing.

- I thought you were afraid of horses. - Not afraid Trisha. Allergic.

Are you goin' trick or treating Sinead?

- No. - You're usually mad for sweets.

Shut up talking about sweets! You're all obsessed!

- Huh, She's chirpy, for a Sunday. - I think some bitch at school...

Trisha, language.

Some girl in Sinead's class has been teasing her about being a little bit, fat.

- Bitch! - That's what I was saying.

- We should talk to her. - Sinead isn't fat.

I know.

I mean, she might be a little bit plump, but that's just puppy fat.

I mean she's like a little plump, dog.

Maybe I'll talk to her alone.

Ahoy Moones!

Aww, look at his little face. Are you some sort of bear, Padraic?

- Well, a Beaver Mrs. M. - Beaver?

The bears of the river!

Not that there's any reason to mention a river.

But, bears go into rivers. Aren't bears the bears of the river?

Trisha, always with the jokes. Ah, you're a gas when all together.

Heh, we should go.

Time to set sail on the ghost raft.

Sometimes we call trick or treating setting sail on the ghost raft...

cause it's so exciting.

Well, that's not confusing at all.

There she goes again. The Irish Jim Davidson, ye are.

If you're here to talk about, sweets...

...chips or some nonsense.

I don't care. I'm not interested.

Not unless you have a Cornetto. Do you have a Cornetto?

- No. - Then what do you want?

Are you feeling a little self-conscious about your body, Pet?

Hah. No, I look amazing.

It's just that Trisha said...

Ruth Connolly told Ailish O'Rourke that I stole her lunch.

Ailish O'Rourke said that I could do with...

...skipping a meal now and then.

- Now that's just mean. Why would Ruth... - I did steal her lunch.

Why did you steal her lunch?

Cause I was hungry.

's I'm always hungry cause I'm a big fat whale.

I'm slipping out to the shops. Does anyone fancy a Cornetto?

This way Crunchie Haystacks!

I'm the undertaking wrestler!

An undertaker and a plumber. Like a low rent village people.

What's with the bottle?

- It's embalming fluid, for embalming. - Oh yeah?

Padraic really pays attention to detail. We'll see you down there.

A coffin boffin and a gutter nutter. The werewolves must be shittin' themselves.

This is going to be so great. Everyone is going to be so freaked out...

...when we sail into town on the ghost raft.

Yeah, big time. Although, call me crazy, aren't...

...ghost rafts supposed to have nobody on them?

Isn't that what a ghost ship is?

Well imagine how freaky it will be...

...when people see us on it!

Yeahh!

All aboard, Martin!

Freaky and confused.

Keep'em guessing.

It isn't sinking. We actually built a raft!

We're the bears of the river!

Just one Cornetto

Yeah.

give it to me

Lovely voice.

So what was Father Linehan chatting to you about earlier?

Oh nothing really.

Just saying he doesn't want me to read at Mass anymore.

Really?

Said he was worried all the reading might hurt the baby.

Well, like that makes sense. Priests really know their stuff.

When you were pregnant you said that washing the dishes might hurt the baby.

- Yeah. Because of the... - Soapy sores, I think you said?

- Mm-hm, That's right. - Anyway, I don't care.

One less thing to worry about if you ask me.

That's weird, isn't it? I mean she's the best reader in Boyle.

Oh, hands down. Especially since that nun died.

- So they don't want her to read just because she's... - Up the pole?

With child. Is what I was going to say.

Suppose they just don't want, an unmarried teenage reader whose, you know...

- Got a trout in the well? - Trisha.

What? What are you barking at me for? She's the one who...

- Stop right there! - Go on, let me do one more.

No.

Soapy sores, Mom?

Last one.

She's the one who's shittin' for two.

- That was worth the wait, I think. - It was, actually.

This is the life.

All the excitement of the sea with the dependable assurance of the river.

I haven't felt this relaxed since I broke Pretty Pete Dixon's collar bone

...in the Salford smack-down of '82.

Maybe we should sing a sea shanty.

We should totally sing a sea shanty.

- I love shanting! - Alright Crunchie, alright.

Wait. Do we know any sea shanties?

Eh, Hello? Biggest nautical hit of 1988.

Let me sail, let me sail, let the Orinoco flow.

Let me beach, let me reach far beyond the yellow sea.

Oh, Yeah!

Sail away, sail away sail away

Sail away, sail away sail away

Sail away, sail away sail away

Sail away

Sail away, sail away sail away

Wait. This isn't town.

Where the hell are we?

The river went the wrong way!

Stupid feckin' river!

Padraic, swim back to shore and get help, will you!?

- Me? - You're a beaver aren't you?

Martin! This is an 84% wool to nylon blend.

- Oh not this nonsense again. - I'm fairly sure I'd drown.