Vice Versa

Gentlemen, can you all see my baton?

Yes!

No, the aspidistra's in the way.

Keep clear of the wheels!

Disengaging the brake!

Now keep clear, won't you, madam?

Now, please, if you don't mind!

- Thank you, Bultitude. - Goodbye, and thank you for coming.

What do you want?

What it is, Bowler?

A lot of people to see you, sir. I don't like the look of them.

Look like a lot of nosy parkers to me. Come to make enquiries regarding -

- Yes. Yes, I did have an appointment. - You never told me.

- You must've forgotten, Bowler. - I never forget nothing.

All right, get to your room.

Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

Bowler is getting a little old. But then... aren't we all?

It was my eldest son's wedding today.

He finally wrung a consent out of Dulcie Grimstone.

You may have read about it.

It was an extremely fashionable wedding.

Thank you so much!

- Oh, goodbye, Mrs - - It's been simply delightful.

Very delightful to meet you again, if only for such a short time.

That was Mrs Willoughby, I believe.

The Duke of Ealing Broadway was among the guests.

Very old friend of mine.

But I digress.

Come in, please.

We will go into the drawing room, where it is warm.

Be kind enough to close the front door behind you.

Don't knock yourself on this.

It all started some 20 years ago in this very room.

The furniture may seem a little strange to you, but...

after the amazing events of the year 1896,

I somehow never had the heart to change it.

I will now tell you the story

which I have kept from the press for so many years.

It is a story so full of bitter humiliation to me

that I should never dream of divulging it

if I had not felt so much happier afterwards.

And there is no guarantee

that it could not happen to any one of you.

Know then that my late wife, bless her,

had a ne'er-do-well brother, Marmaduke Paradine.

This rascal, whose taste for Eastern adventure

was stimulated by the fact that he was wanted

by the police of most Western countries,

found himself in the spring of the year 1895

in Battledore, India,

living on the generosity of the military community.

At that time, he went under the name of, I believe,

the Honourable Esme Montfalcon.

The Honourable Louis Montfalcon.

Do get your facts right, please!

Ah, Ambrose, this looks interesting.

It is the Temple of the Laughing Hyena,

headquarters of an obscure religious sect

who worship laughing hyena.

What's the time, Bindabun?

Bombay district, 11 o'clock.

Yokohama, 2:30.

Dallas, Texas, 20 minute to seven.

Charing Cross Road, wet and windy.

Thank you so much.

Do you think it's worthwhile, us becoming religious, Ambrose?

Now don't do anything rash, Montfalcon.

Don't forget we came here to shoot the tiger.

These people are very touchy.

Look at that.

Morning service must just be over.

What does the cove say?

He say the hyena god in the temple

have magic eye worth million rupees.

Will we enter, inspect it?

Inspect it!

What does he take us for?

No, no, no, I implore you! The mutiny started for less than this!

Nonsense! Follow me!

Tourists!

Million rupees! Well...

Hmm, yes.

Which eye is it?

The left.

Montfalcon, don't be a cad, sir.

I am not a cad!

I am an empire builder of the old school.

Where are the men with guts?

And where is my chisel?

And while you're about it, find out what these girls are doing later on tonight.

I say, Ambrose, it's screwed in.

Good gracious, Montfalcon! The other eye winked at me!

I don't wonder, sir.

It's just another example of British engineering genius.

Look at this. "John Donaldson and Company.

"Sanitary and domestic fittings, Sheffield."

Come along, Ambrose.

Well, Montfalcon, I admire your pluck, but I think you behave like a rotter,

stealing people's eyes.

And especially when they're obtainable in Britain.

Priest say eye ancient Indian magic stone.

Only fitting made in England.

When idol wink, stone bring bad luck to thief.

Rubbish!

Ah! But you haven't been in India as long as I have, Montfalcon.

Surely, Ambrose, you don't believe in all this taradiddle, do you?

I should hand the eye back like a good fellow.

Never! Come on, Ambrose.

Where's the elephant?

Gone!

It's begun!

Rot!

We'll just have to make our way back on foot, that's all.

Into the bush? You're mad!

I don't know about you, Ambrose, but personally, I'm off!

Montfalcon! Wait for me! Wait for me!

Paradine soon began to realise that hyenas,

even if not worth worshipping, were worth respect.

His unhappy friend Ambrose never reached Battledore alive...

he was eaten by a tiger a short distance from the cantonment.

December saw him at Southampton,

where he somehow penetrated the customs and the police

without being recognised as the notorious perpetrator

of the Bishopsgate scandal in 1881.

He was just thanking his lucky stars,

thinking he was safe, when...

Yes.

This finally convinced him

that the late, lamented Ambrose was right,

and prompted him to perform the one generous act

in his perfidious life.

I have brought you a present from India, Paul.

Thank you very much, but I don't want a present from you.

Unfortunately, Bowler did not recognise you

after a gratifying interval of seven years.

Otherwise, if he had, you would not have set foot in this house.

Paul, you have absolutely no family feeling.

I will thank you not to call me Paul.

Bultitude, you have a heart of stone.

Well, what do you expect after your shabby manipulations on the stock exchange?

You're dishonest, sir.

That may be so. Nevertheless, we are brothers-in-law.

Understand, Paradine, once and for all that I married your sister, not you.

I contracted a marriage of love

with a lady who is now unhappily defunct.

With her lamented passing,

all connection with the Paradine family ceased, finished, and came to an end.

There! Now, go!

Only if you accept my gift.

I can't help asking myself the motive

which prompts this extraordinary generosity.

Yes, I think I can tell you.

Brotherly feeling.

You're not short of money?

I never say no, since you mention it, my nearest and dearest.

However, I must make it a condition

of my departure for good and all

that you accept this little gift.

What is it?

The Garuda Stone.

What?

This stone once constituted the left eye of an Indian idol.

It is said to possess magic properties.

To whoever owns the stone, there shall be given everlasting peace,

prosperity, and happiness.

Nonsense!

And so it is with a deep sense of loss,

dear brother-in-law,

that I bequeath to you my peace and prosperity,

and yes, my happiness.

I don't want the confounded thing.

Take it. I insist.

Offend not the spirit of the laughing hyena.

Oh, very well, if it'll make you go.

Goodbye forever.

Don't forget to shut the door.

One day, I shall be understood. Till then...

Thank goodness for that.

Come in.

Ah, so you're off at last, eh?

Well, holidays can't last forever.

And by a merciful degree of providence, they don't last quite forever.

Well, goodbye, goodbye. Be a good boy this term.

No scraps, mind you, hmm?

What are you standing there for?

Either stay in or out, one thing or the other.

I simply can't abide a draught.

Dad?

Yes?

Could I wait here till the cab comes?

Must you? Have you said your farewells to your brother?

- Yes, Dad. - And to nanny?

Yes, Dad.

Well, I suppose you'd better sit down. I hope the cab isn't long.

Are you waiting for Mrs Verlane?

Yes.

No! I am thinking of your train.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

You should be delighted to be returning to Dr Grimstone's.