The Man from Toronto

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go. Uh…

Hey, world.

I'm Teddy Jackson, and I wanna welcome you to Teddybands.

Ha-ha!

All right, listen, weights are about to be no more.

It's all about the bands.

Why? Because this is where you get the best resistance.

You can stretch it, do whatever you want with it.

The best thing is to get you some reps in there though.

-Get a lot of reps to where you feel it. -

Shit, I felt it. Goddamn.

It's my eye. It got me right on the side of the eye. Dammit.

One hundred.

What's up, world?

Teddy Jackson here, welcoming you to Teddyburn,

where I'm introducing two pieces of non-breathable plastic.

Think about five garbage bags wrapped up into two good pieces,

where you just can't let nothing out, except sweat.

Oh, man. Whoo!

I'm getting dizzy. Shit.

Wait. Fitness is…

Nah.

Hey, what's going on, guys?

Teddy Jackson here, and I wanna introduce you to the Teddybar.

I already know what you're thinking. "Teddy, what is it?"

I'll tell you exactly what it is. It's an adjustable pull-up bar.

Why did I make it?

Because some pull-up bars are just too high.

So this one adjusts to your comfort level.

That's right. Adjust it to the right height and pull up all night.

Let's go!

Let's get it! Oh yeah!

-Oh! -

Oh shit! Lori!

God. Godda…

Aw, come on!

Lori, the…

-The Teddybar fell on my head! Goddamn it! - Oh, Teddy.

It does it every time I'm taping.

You need to come up with something a little less dangerous.

You may not talk to me,

but everybody talks to him.

I gotta say, it's a real honor.

Working on this guy the last couple of days,

but he trained with French special forces so he's tough as--

Shh.

Sorry, my, uh, wife's leftovers.

Before we begin I'd like to tell you a little about myself.

I was raised by my grandfather

on a frozen lake 50 miles from nowhere.

He was a kind man.

He taught me many useful things.

One brisk afternoon, while we were fishing on the frozen lake,

we saw a large form approaching.

It was a grizzly.

My grandfather yelled at me to run,

so I took off as fast as my little legs would carry me.

And when I looked back,

I learned the last thing

that my unfortunate grandfather would ever teach me.

Bears have very sharp claws,

which they use to fillet the skin off their still-breathing victims.

I share this with you because when you beg for your life,

I'm not gonna hear your screams.

Any feeling I once had dried up on that frozen lake long ago.

You're wasting your time.

After I remove your eyes, your ears,

and balls, all your sensory organs,

if you still haven't told me what I need to know…

-Please. -…I'm going to fillet you

like that bear did my grandfather.

-It's Grenkin! Velvel Grenkin. -

-275 Castro Street. -

Velvel Grenkin, he's there, I swear.

I'm gonna tell my grandkids of this, one day.

Or…

nobody

ever.

I like you.

Tell your wife wild juniper's the secret.

Not the store-bought.

It looks like bunny shit, so better smell it first.

Who the hell was that?

No!

- -

Good morning, Yorktown.

It's ten past eight on a beautiful Monday morning.

None of my kids talk to me. I don't know where they are.

Look who's up, huh?

Happy birthday.

What time is it?

I think it's, um…

I think it's baby-making time.

We can do it in that position that don't even feel good.

It feels good for you.

-I'm saying, for me it's just more about… -A baby?

…survival of the species.

-What? -Mm-hmm.

I'm just trying to break it down to you.

I hear you.

But you know you can't Teddy that one, right?

What… What does that mean, honey?

That's what they call it at the firm now.

If a paralegal screws up, they say they Teddyed it.

They named a screw-up after me?

-You're actually a verb now. -Okay, listen, that's the past.

Why talk about the past? I wanna focus on the present.

Look at this.

Come on, look at it.

Onancock, Virginia?

I got us a little cabin for your birthday.

-Tons of baby-making time. -Uh…

Baby, what is this? I can't read this. There's no toner on the page.

It's the reservation, babe.

We leave tonight. It's perfect.

Thank you.

I'm not messing up your birthdays anymore, babe.

On a serious note,

did you talk to Marty about your business idea?

I did not talk to Marty yet, but there's a reason.

-I'm just waiting for the right time. -There's never gonna be a right time.

You just have to do it.

You're absolutely right. Know what? I'm just gonna do it.

-I'm gonna pitch it to him today. -Today?

He's gonna fall in love with it. The money that'll come will be ridiculous.

I'm gonna pay our tax lien off. I'm gonna fix this place up.

It's gonna happen.

You think maybe we could start with some light bulbs and toner?

That's what Teddying it looks like, right?

-Mm-hmm. -Okay, all right. I'll get the bulb.

And toner.

And the toner.

- Morning. -Teddy. Oh, I know. I know.

-I've been meaning to come by the gym. -Well, you better come, Betty!

-There, I will. -Dream hard and punch harder!

-Thanks. -Here you go, guys.

-Marty's Fitness. Right up the street. -Thanks.

Stop lunchin' and get to punchin'!

Non-contact boxing, Marty.

Non-contact boxing?

This is big.

This is the whole breakdown of the idea.

Now, the big thing here is that it's still boxing,

without the contact.

That's the beauty of the idea.

Look at this. I'm getting that same burn that I normally would, right?

But I don't touch you.

I got so excited when I started to get into the idea,

I decided to put up the first workout video.

Just to get a response.

Three comments.

And the questions are simple. They're like, "What is this?"

This…

Digest it.

…could be the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

Sales is not your forte.

I'll be honest you. I don't know what that word means.

What are you… What are you saying?

-Let me show you something. -Yeah, sure.

See these flyers you made up?

I spent my entire marketing budget on these things,

and we ain't got one bite.

Marty, they're gonna come through that door any day, any minute.

-You just gotta be patient. You know that. -Well, they would be.

If you had put the address on this thing!

What?

-I mean, who really needs addresses? -My customers.

Then they'll call you, Marty.

You left out the phone number too.

Dammit, did I?

Teddy, you're a nice guy. You really are.

But I need a dude with some grit.

I got grit.

Are you firing me?

I need a closer, Ted.

Non-contact boxing.

That's your closer, man.

I'm sorry, Ted.

Marty, I've worked hard on this.

So stupid.