Life Unexpected

Wake up, it's Monday.

It's Cate and Ryan on K-1000 morning madness.

It is 6:23, and if you are just waking up.screw you

Ryan and I, we have been up since 5:00.

Yeah, and as usual, arguing since 6:00.

If you're just tuning in to morning madness,

Cate and I are in the middle of a rousing game

of "sex, marry, kill."

I just did the Jessicas-sex Biel,

Marry Alba,

and definitely kill Simpson.

Oh, um, you forgot Jessica Rabbit

and baby Jessica.

See, now, Cate is telling me

that sh... she doesn't want to play

because doesn't believe in marriage.

Screw marriage.

I like the sex and kill part better.

Somewhere in Portland, Cate's boyfriend

just breathed a huge sigh of relief.

There is no boyfriend.

We... we're just hanging out.

God.

What happened?

Nothing.

What'd he do to freak you out this time, huh?

Did he give you a compliment?

Did he want to meet the parents?

What, what happened?

Oh, he called me...

Oh, God, "the one."

Oh, my God. Okay, well, I hope you gave it to this guy.

I mean, I hope you did something crazy

or even slightly violent like,

like hurl a remote at his forehead.

I'm never telling you anything.

Good. Ever...

Great. Again.

I love that.

Look, Cate, all right,

it's called talk radio, okay?

You get paid to spill your guts...

Stuey!

Cate, I'm just, uh...

He did it again.

Your son seriously puts the "ew" in Stuey.

I swear to God, Lux, the state's not paying me enough to deal with this.

And you would think with your last name actually being foster,

you'd be somewhat equipped

to be a foster parent.

Don't worry, in two days, you won't have to be.

And what's that supposed to mean?

It means I'm turning 16.

I'm getting emancipated, and I'm getting the hell out of here.

Well, don't make promises you can't keep.

Oh... trace, you got to do this now?

Oh, I can't go running in just one shoe.

Help me look for it.

Aah, I worked till 4:00.

No, working is teaching Western civ

to hormonal teenagers.

You drunk dialed me from your job.

Well, that's a perk of the career path, baby.

I don't think that opening up a bar and living above it

was what your dad had in mind when he gave you the building.

Well, my dad said to do what I love,

and I love to drink for free.

But you sleep until noon every day,

you play video games.

- Don't you ever want to grow up? - I will.

After noon.

Uh-oh.

- Hey, give me that. - Look what I found.

Good morning.

And we have got Linda on the line.

Hi, Linda, you there?

Yeah, I'm calling 'cause I agree with Ryan.

I really want to meet someone

and settle down

and have a mlion babies.

It jt ses impossible.

Yeah, well, you know what's impossible

is having a million babies.

Hey, Cate, you ever, uh,

you ever wonder why you're 32 years old

and don't have a maternal bone in your body?

I mean, where's the biological clock?

Where is that desire to make more than

ramen noodles and dry toast?

I learned it really early on,

the only person you can depend on

in this world is yourself.

I mean, if you expect anything else,

you are just setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Okay, well, on that uplifting note,

that's our show for today, people.

I'm Ryan Thomas,

alongside my clinically insane

but moderately loveable cohost Cate Cassidy.

Clinically insane?

Moderately lovable, okay.

Why is it on every single talk show across America,

the guy is always the calm and stable voice of reason

and the woman is the, you know,

bitter, unlucky in love, crazy sidekick?

You know, it's... it's kind of who you are.

Plus you threw a remote my head last night.

No, "threw" is very strong.

I tossed it.

It was more like a hurl.

You know, I thought you were going to catch it.

I didn't think you were going to throw it.

Could you be any louder?

Seriously.

Calorie counting's not quiet.

Thank you very much.

So, um, uh... I'll text you.

Okay.

Yeah, there was a bachelorette party last night,

and Jamie was supposed to be working.

Instead he ends up with the maid of honor.

What's up with the beer guy?

He's, like, three hours early.

Jamie, what am I paying you for?

This place is trashed. So was i.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, uh, uh, I need to get a signature from someone.

Okay.

Probably not you. You know what?

We have all the thin mints we need, but thank you.

- Is that the bud guy? - It's a girl scout.

Samoas... give me two boxes. Get trefoils. Love those.

Actually, I'm... I'm looking for Nathaniel "Ba-zile."

"Baze-zile." Yeah, that's me.

No, wait.

You're Nathaniel... Bazile?

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

- You live in a bar. - No, I live above a bar.

What can I, um...?

You want to take my cookie order or what?

No. I... I'm not a girl scout.

I'm... kind of... comprised

of half your gene pool.

Huh?

I'm your daughter.

That's...

Wait, you're my what?

Your daughter.

Dude, it is not a girl scout.

It's a girl.

Okay, one more time for the cheap seats.

You and someone had a kid.

You gave up that kid.

I am that kid.

And now I'm applying for emancipation.

Okay, from, from the people who adopted you?

From foster care.

Dude, keep up.

Okay, so I was putting together

the paperwork for my hearing, and it turns out

that no one ever signed a permanent release of rights.

Here.

And my caseworker was going to take forever

to get it signed, so when I saw your name

and address on the top of the file, I just...

Kind of...

Okay, basically, until you sign that piece of paper,

you're still legally... my dad.

Hey!

Oh, Nate, oh, my God, I got to pee so badly.

Also, uh, we're having dinner

at my parents' tonight.

It's potluck, so we need to figure out what to bring.

Mommy?

Okay, okay, you got to get out of here.

- We'll talk about this later. - Let go of me!

Listen, Nate,

Baze, whatever you go by...

I don't want to be here as much as you don't want

to have me here, but my emancipation hearing

is the day after tomorrow.

If I don't get these signatures,

both signatures, then I'm going to have to spend

another two years being bounced around crappy foster care.

With scope-drinking moms,

and creepy dads who try to hit on me,

which, to be blunt, blows.

So if you could just sign this.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh, here.

And rifle through the memory banks

of teenage girls you impregnated.

That'd be great.

Okay. Great.

Um, hey, Cate Cassidy, that's your mom.

Cate with a "C, " okay? Are you good?

Are we good? Are you cool?