Cabin Boy

Nathanial.

- This arrived for you this morning. - Thank you, Headmaster.

Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah...

Oh! What sweet news!

Ah! My dear daddy has arranged for my immediate departure...

from Stephenwood, tomorrow, after graduation.

And he's booked me first-class passage on the Queen Catherine.

Of course. Heaven forbid...

that you should experience even the slightest discomfort.

Yes. Yes. Good point.

- As I'm sure you're well aware, Reichmaster Timmons,

I'm to take over the family-run hotel chain in beautiful sun-drenched Hawaii.

I'm sure that's almost as exciting as being a frustrated, shabbily-dressed headmaster.

- Yes? Hmm? - Young Nathanial.

The faculty and myself have made endless attempts to teach you to curb...

your condescensions towards others.

As a fancy lad, respecting those around you is both your duty and your obligation.

I'm sorry, sir. I was just pondering what drifter's corpse you stole those shoes from.

- - My God!

You are a hateful creature, aren't you?

Come on, it was just a joke.

Mmm.

The origin of the bowler... can be traced back...

- to the turn of the century. -

The simplest and most popular way to tip... a hat...

is the Chatman Street method.

- - It is performed thusly.

Nathanial! You may sit down, Lawrence.

It is unfair to ask you to continue in the presence of this cackling baboon!

Somebody's daddy's missing a leg!

Nathanial,

since you seem so anxious to interrupt the proceedings with your infantile babble,

kindly step forward and give us your presentation.

It would my pleasure, my dear underpaid professor.

Excuse me.

Well this, my silly, dim-witted looking classmates,

is a 14th century Norwegian evening derby.

Very few of these exist today, and those that do reside in museums or in the possession...

of extraordinarily rich young men who happen to have rather large penises.

Well... good-bye, Nathanial.

You are now officially a fancy lad.

And it is my sincere hope that you will bring dignity and humility to that high honor.

Good luck. And do tell your father I send my regards.

Oh, sure. In fact, I think I have the picture of his backside in my wallet...

if you care to kiss it right here.

Nathanial, whatever shall become of you?

Don't worry, about me, Timmons. My life shall never be anything less than perfect.

- - Hey! Here you go, Chubby.

- Go buy yourself a spritzer. -

Okay, come on. Let's get this thing moving! Oh, and thank you for opening the door for me.

Oh, that was so nice, you moron!

Good riddance, you horrible, dreadful, nasty little bastard.

You're driving too fast. Slow it down!

- Not that slow, imbecile. Speed up! -

Why on earth have you stopped this wretched vehicle? What do you think...

- Get the hell outta here, you fresh-mouthed little freak. - Hey! Hey!

What do you think you're doing?

I merely suggested that you have the driving ability of a brain-dead laboratory, ape.

- Welcome to the real world, kid. - Well, fiine.

I'll just get right back in. I don't know what you... Hey! Come back here, you!

Hey! Hey! You can't take my luggage!

I'll have you incarcerated.

Dear Lord,

I'm about to embark on a brisk walk,

the first bit of exercise in my young privileged life.

I pray, do not allow me to break a sweat.

Okay. Here I go.

Yup. One, two, I'm walking.

[ Gasping, Screaming, Whimpering ]

The Golden Mist Seaport.

Oh, thank you. Thank...

Whoa-ho-ho. My luxurious suite on the Queen Catherine awaits me.

I'll be with you uno momento, my friend.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, finally. Okay. [ Panting Continues ]

Watch it. Watch...

Would you... Lady! Eeew, yuck.

Eeew! Oooh! Eeew. Eeew!

- - Pardon me...

Get off me.

Oh, geez. Where are you...

- Stop it! Stop. -

I've had it with you bunch of stinkos in here.

You, you, old man.

Look, I am in desperate need of assistance.

Well, well, well, what's on your mind, little girl?

I realize that you are most likely the product of lower class inbreeding.

- But perhaps you could help me. - Oh, gosh, I certainly hope so.

I have been wandering this dreary, village...

in hopes of finding the Queen Catherine.

- You wouldn't have any idea where she might be docked? - Ah, you know what you are?

You're one of those little fancy lads, aren't ya?

Boy, you're cute. Gosh, what a sweet little outfit.

Is it your little spring outfit?

You couldn't be cuter. You're so adorable. Oh, my.

You know, you remind me of my niece Sally. Lovely girl.

She's a dietitian. Hey.

- Would you like to buy a monkey? - I don't wanna buy a monkey.

- Are you sure? - No, I'm on my way. Your family must be very, proud of you.

We'll see ya, honey. Hey, wait a minute. Jennifer, come here.

What?

I can show you to that ship of yours.

- You will? - Right down this road.

- Right there. - Marvelous. I should hurry...

because they're gonna start the banquet soon and I must tell you, I am famished.

Well, why wouldn't ya be? Big girls have big appetites, don't they?

Listen, do yourself a favor. Don't let 'em give you any of that flank steak bullshit.

You know what I'm sayin'? Try, the London Broil. Yeah.

- That's a good tip. I shall do it. - Sure, pamper yourself.

- Oh, I will. - Oh, my. Okay.

Well, I must tell you, for a yellow-eyed, gamey-smelling lowlife,

- you really have quite a decent heart about you. - Well, thanks.

I'm not gonna touch you, shake your hand or get near you because you're all of that.

- But I am gonna be on my way. - Good for you.

- Off I go. - Hey listen, have a good trip Suzy. Bye-bye.

- Bye. - Think about me, all right?

Oh, man, oh, man,

do I hate them fancy lads.

Uh, hey, um... I'm looking for the steward of the Q.C.

Uh... I'm watching the boat till everyone gets back from lunch.

Oh! Then departure was delayed on my behalf. Very, good.

Uh, here's my boarding pass.

Please take me to the ship's finest quarters 'cause I wish to draw a hot bath. What a day.

I ain't supposed to let nobody on the boat 'cause...

Leo, no, no, no.

I know, I look too disheveled to board, but I assure you, the captain will understand.

- Wow. You know the captain? - I should say so. He owes his entire career to my daddy.

- Can we? - Okay, since you know him and all.

Okay, fine. Boy! Boy!

Hey... What the...

Well, is this the tug that's supposed to take us out to the Queen Catherine?

- It's a boat. - The... Uh...

Oh-ho-ho-ho. Oh, I see. This is the Queen Catherine.

It's one of those theme ships, isn't it? Yes, I've read about these things.

Where we passengers pretend we're common type and slum it up a bit.

Deliciously chic.

Step, step, step.

- Step, step. - Yes, I know they're steps. I've seen steps before.

Marvelous! Oh!

The best bunk we got is the captain's. But I don't think he'd mind, since you know him.

Oh, my, they sure do have an eye for detail, don't they?

Awards all around.

You sure got things figured out, don't ya?

I was never real good at figurin' stuff out. Captain says I'm dumb as a carp.

Here's how a harem girl dances.

Okay, well, thank you for that, whatever that was.

And now, enough of your silly gibberish. Go fetch me a cup of bouillon before I retire.

- Yes? Good boy. Off you go. - Thank you. Okay. Okay.

Bowl-yun.

Bowl-yawn.

Maybe it's just a fancy word for chum.

Eeew. Eeew.

- - Pipe down, you imbecile. My head is throbbing as it is.

Sorry. For a second, I thought you were my granny. She's dead.

- Right. - Well, here's your bouillon.

Thank you very, much. Now, will you please make sure that I'm not disturbed till 'morrow.

- Okay. Bye, lady. - Fine.

Oh, my.

Oh.

Mmm. A bit spicy.

Quite robust.

Your friend's here. He's all tucked in for the night.

Whatever you say, Einstein.

We figured you were hungry, so we bought you a stick of gum.

Don't chew it all in one place, shit-for-brains.

Gum.

All right, listen up! We're gonna sail outta here tonight...

and keep running straight on through till mornin'.

We'll drop our nets at daybreak...

and catch them scaley bastards while they're still groggy!

So, Skunk, what do you think? We got enough ocean behind us?

Yeah, yeah. No trouble for us tonight.

- I think I'll turn in. Keep it steady, whatever works for you. - Okeydokey.

- -

Uh!