The People We Hate at the Wedding

Once upon a time in a faraway land known as the 1980s,

there was a lovely, smart, funny American girl named Donna who moved to England,

where she fell in love with a handsome Frenchman named Henrique.

They had a perfect child whom they called Eloise,

and all was well until one day Henrique decided, as we say in England,

to fuck the babysitter.

And so dear Donna returned to her charming hometown of Indianapolis,

where she met another man who was... well, he was Bill.

And Donna had two more children, Alice and Paul.

For half the year, Eloise would come to stay with them

and enjoy all the delights of Midwestern life:

the motor speedway, the Putt-Putt, and of course the mall.

Okay, everyone, say "jingle."

Jingle! - (camera clicks)

Okay, everybody, hats and sweaters off.

Let's see that Easter flair.

All right, you heard your mother. He is risen. Let's go!

Uh, wh-what's happening?

Well, I paid for three pictures, so we're moving on to Easter.

Hey, big guy, do you mind stepping aside for these next ones?

Yeah, let's go. Go get yourself a potato.

Extra bacon bits. You earned it. Let's go.

He's not allowed to eat in his suit.

Oh, just roll with it. Come here, Paulie.

- Ooh, Mom, can we be hugging in the picture? - Yes.

Oh, let's flex.

- Uh, yes to hugging, no to flexing. - Yes. -Yay!

- (camera clicks) -Excuse me. We weren't ready. - Come on.

I-I'm sorry. There's a lot of people waiting.

All right, I will pay for the four-picture package.

I can pay for it, Mum.

El, no, I'm not gonna allow my 13-year-old daughter to pay for this.

- Her dad sent her here with $3,000. - I know.

Oh, yeah, but we already decided she's buying us a Jet Ski.

- Bill. - (Alice laughs)

- I thought we landed on a hot tub. - (Bill laughs)

How about one of those limousines with a hot tub?

Let's get a lion.

- Let's get a Taco Bell and put it in our backyard. - Yes!

Everybody, say...

Bunny.

Bunny! - (camera clicks)

Great. Okay, red, white and blue.

- Quick like bunnies. Wait.

You're forgetting a very important holiday.

Give that to your mother.

And we'll all say...

BILL and KIDS: Surprise!

Happy Mother's Day, Mum.

Sorry I always have to miss it.

This is so nice.

Aw. Oh, don't cry.

This is supposed to make you happy.

I'm sorry. I can't stop it. It's happening.

Mom, does Ellie really have to go home tomorrow?

Well, honey, she will be back before you even know it.

Why can't her dad live here?

Because he lives in England, Alice.

- I hate England! - Oh.

That's reasonable.

I'm sorry. Should I take the picture?

This isn't gonna get any better, hon. Just take it.

- (sighs) - (camera clicks)

Yes, Donna's three children were once thick as thieves.

But as they grew, well, they grew apart.

Eloise had her father's fortune,

and Alice and Paul had their father's Chrysler Sebring.

By the year 2022, the family had scattered to the four winds,

but there was a glimmer of hope that could perhaps bring them all together once more.

I'm speaking of course of a wedding.

And that is how our story begins.

- (song ends) - (quiet chatter)

What the fuck even is this?

- (line rings) - PAUL (over phone): Hi, sis.

Oh, my fucking God, have you seen this invitation?

I-I am five minutes away from homiciding someone.

- I can't stand her. - I know. I know.

I opened mine this morning, and then I just put it down on my kitchen table,

I poured kerosene everywhere, and then I just literally burned my own house down.

I mean, the invites are gorgeous,

but I'm not kidding, I think she spent like $25,000.

And they smell like rosemary.

I am moving to space.

Okay, I'm screaming, and I'm dead.

I died of screaming, and now I'm also... I'm stabbing people.

I'm just, I'm just randomly stabbing people.

- Paul! - Oh, sorry.

Okay, give me one second.

I'm at work, and I have a patient in a trash can.

That sounds fine and normal.

Okay, you got nine more minutes, Helen.

- That's it. - (patients babbling, woman shrieks)

There is a maxi pad near my shin.

- How does that make you feel, honey? - I want to get out.

I want you to let that feeling in but just not act on it.

I am gonna add some more trash now.

Now, remember, this might feel like I'm heaping garbage on you...

- (gasps) - but it's a gift.

Hi. Sorry.

Are you going to the wedding?

No, I'm not going.

Alice, Eloise is our half sister, which means we can half-ass the relationship.

Although, she did ask me to be her maid of honor

when I was like 17.

Oh, my God. You're gonna go, aren't you?

She doesn't even want us there.

Or maybe she wants us to be her butlers. Whatever.

- I'm not going. - Uh-huh.

- (retches) - Okay, I really need to go now.

Listen, Alice, stay strong, and please tell Mom to stop calling me.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone there? I seem to be stuck...

Ma'am? Coming in.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

No worries. Uh, it's just my face.

Uh, okay, let's see.

- Let me just... I just got... I couldn't get...

Can you unzip?

- Whew. - Sure.

- (fabric ripping) I got it. Wait.

Oh, okay.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Oh.

Hi. (Chuckles)

- I will pay for this. - Don't worry about it.

Are you shopping for a special occasion?

Yes, my daughter Eloise is getting married in England.

She lives there.

My first husband was European. French. Henrique.

He's a douchebag.

- Oh. Okay. - And my other children from my second marriage...

they don't seem to really like me right now.

Especially my son Paul.

Ever since his father Bill died... Bill was my second husband.

- Yeah. - (sighs) Life's a journey.

As for me, well, I guess the, uh... (panting)

Romantic chapters of my life are over,

and I'm-I'm not sure what to do next.

- Well... - And I've also developed

this totally irrational fear of traveling.

I'm so anxious.

But my friend Barbara gave me some pot for my flight.

- Do you do pot? - Uh, I...

Oh, you can't answer that. You're at work, so don't.

The point is I haven't had all my children together for a while.

I mean, since Bill's funeral.

Shall I get you some other options?

Yes. Yes. I'll try not to completely destroy them.

: Wow.

Can't ignore your mom forever, hon.

I absolutely can ignore her forever, actually.

I'm very cold and extremely heartless, so...

It's very hard to be a parent, Paul.

Okay, Helen, it's time for you to get back in the trash,

and I'm gonna need you to take those puppies off.

You're gonna have to rip these shoes off my bony, old, dead legs.

You're the one who's paying 7,000 bucks a week to stand in trash

so you can function in a world where germs exist, Hels Bells.

Okay, one at a time. Ooh, graceful.

- (shudders) - That's all right.

Yes, very daintily.

Good. I'm going to let go of your hand now.

You got it.

Take a deep breath. (Inhales deeply)

- You can do it. - (whimpers softly)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's okay. It's okay. I'm right here. I'm right here.

It's okay.

No, I can't... Okay.

All right. Okay. It's okay.

- Yeah. - (busy chatter)

Thanks.

Oh, hey, Al, uh, do you have the RoboJet file?

Uh, it's just right here.

Uh, reschedule my Friday lunch, and do you want to sit in on my two o'clock?

I could really use your input on this one.

Yeah. I could squeeze you in.

- (rhythmic thumping) - (panting)

Can we get dinner after this?

Only if it's someplace nice. No cheeseburgers.

- What if it's a very, very cool food truck? - No.

You own this whole company.

You are not buying me a cheeseburger, bro.

Did you just call me "bro" while we're fucking?

I'm sorry. Your Honor.

That's better. Say that one more time.

- Your Honor. - Oh. Oh, shit. Oh.

How much money worth of wine do you think is in this cup?

Like, is this $45 worth?

You know, sometimes I think that you're actually just using me for my fortune.

Oh, my God, no.

I'm using you for your dick.

- I'm okay with that. - Good.