New Girl

- Hello! - Hey. - Hi.

Happy St. Valentine's Day, mates.

I just spent the week at Ryan's, and it was absolutely lovely.

Fake accent, smug attitude... This is exactly why

the teachers have turned on Jyan.

Jyan?! Come on!

You chose the worst parts of both our names.

That's why we chose it. Haters gonna "H".

That's why Ryan has to find a new job.

You know, I hear Elijah Wood's looking for a stunt double.

He's so small!

Get back in that tree and make me

- some cookies, Ryan! Cookies! - Yeah!

I know, so hot, right?

Anyway, what's going on in your little lives?

Well, I'm just enjoying the fruits of dating

a semi-powerful local politician.

Tonight, it's a Valentine's Day

cardiologists' soiree.

- Check that out. - Oh!

Oh, my goodness. Is that the invitation?

Wait, that's a real heart? Looks like meat.

- It's not shaped like this? - Yeah, well, you know,

the cardiologists feel

that the traditional cartoon heart, uh...

- promotes ignorance. - That's gross.

Where's Nick? How is he handling the breakup with Kai?

I don't know... I haven't seen Fat Fat Fatty in a long time.

- Yeah, me, either. - Yeah, I haven't seen him since the breakup.

You live in the same room as him.

I've been crashing in your room while you're away.

Is Nick missing?

No, he is not.

- Oh, boy. - Hey.

Oh, wow. You look terrible.

Hey, Nick. Are you covered in gravy?

Nope. I've been in my room for the last week sleeping

and thinking

and really getting into the comic strip Cathy.

Oh, I'm really excited that we can finally talk about Cathy.

When she's mad, she says, "Ack."

- Ack. - Ack.

- Ack! - Nick, why would you come out here?

Sounds like you were doing pretty good in there.

Doug's Ale House.

- The new bar on Sixth and Spring? - No.

The exact coordinates to complete my bar crawl

that I've been working on for almost a decade.

- Mmm. - What?! - Ooh.

- Big day. - Thanks.

And guess what? Good news.

It's tonight! Who's in?

- Oh... - You know, I'm on call at the station tonight,

so I can't really drink, so...

Fawn's speaking at a cardiologist event.

Ryan and I have a reservation at a really fancy restaurant, so...

You're probably thinking,

"Oh, a bar crawl on Valentine's Day...

Is this about Nick's breakup with Kai?" No.

- Yeah. - Now you might be asking yourself,

"Is attendance really mandatory?"

You bet it is.

Bar crawl!

Hmm...

He's about to crack. We have to go tonight.

So I have news about a bar cr...

Was I just out here talking to you guys about the bar crawl?

Did I already pitch it all to you?

Well, it's happening tonight!

Okay, so we hit six bars in five hours.

Wait, wouldn't six hours make more sense?

Yeah, that'd make sense 'cause it all divides...

No, no, it doesn't, because it's...

it's five hours.

Now, the amazing thing is,

if you connect all the coordinates, the six bars

form a perfect smiley face on the map... look.

You didn't actually connect all the coordinates.

- Oh, my... - Hey, I think

it is a really cool smiley face.

- Thank you. - I got your back, man. I got your back.

Actually, I have all your backs, all right?

Uh, since I can't drink tonight, I am your designated buddy.

Here in my backpack, I have a list of items

that we may need.

I got water, so...

- I got towels for everybody. - Perfect.

I got... small stick.

- Speaks for itself. - Oh.

Oh. Also... one female condom.

It's gonna go quick, so I'll let you two fight it out.

Uh-uh. Also, I got

- tissues for you, Nick, 'cause... - What for?

It's-it's Valentine's Day, and your girlfriend broke up.

- You guys can be sad... - Move it right along, man.

Cool it. And the bar crawl starts...

- now! - Now!

Actually, where's Schmidt?

Well, it's with a heavy heart...

- Oh! - that we really must leave you.

We really must. He's too much. It was a pleasure.

Pleasure.

Easy on the puns, okay?

And you've got broccoli in your teeth.

Remember what I told you about eating at public functions?

- Only use your back teeth. - Only use your back teeth.

Hey, Fawn, I'm sorry. We should probably get

to Nick's bar crawl now, yeah?

You remember? I confirmed it like ten times with your intern.

Yes, yes, yes, no.

First, I need to, uh, schmooze some vascular surgeons.

Gotta get a discount on my spider vein removal. Okay?

Okay, ten minutes tops.

We're still going to dinner, 'cause it took

a lot to get this reservation.

Also, we can't get wasted

'cause it's a very nice restaurant.

Which means we have to pretend to drink in front of Nick.

Is that really necessary?

Oh, yakkety-yakkety-yak.

Don't ruin my bar crawl.

Let's go. Drink.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Boom!

I'm gonna outdrink you tonight, Miller.

Cece, your mouth is writing a check

that your body can't find.

That's not an expression.

Regionally specific to Northern Illinois.

We say it all the time.

- Thank you, Winston. - You're welcome.

Don't write a check your body can't find.

Every day, man.

- For real. - Got to. Got to.

A Gimlet for May.

Thank you.

Watch and learn, player.

If you're a girl and you're

in a bar on Valentine's Day,

you're basically saying, "Hello. Good February.

I'm interested in casual sex."

Hmm.

May, huh?

- That's your name? - Yeah.

Ah, that's crazy 'cause, uh...

I know I just met you,

but your name's already written... on my heart.

It's fate, baby.

- It's fate... seriously? - All right, come on! Five-minute

- warning, let's go. - Dude, I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Oh, no, nope, you're in the middle of nothing,

because that's the cheesiest thing I've ever seen.

She hates you, Ernie.

But I don't like her for you, anyway. Let's go.

- Wait, what do you mean? - I just don't know

what to do. No schools are hiring.

I've contacted everyone I know.

I even checked through all my contacts in England,

including my old headmaster at Wellington Prep,

to see if he knew of anything in the States.

- How do you know the Wellington fight song? - You sing it in your sleep.

- Oh, God. - Look, don't worry,

- you're gonna find a job. - I'm just worried about not seeing you

- as much if I switch schools. - Well...

I'll just have to sleep over more.

Or you could move in with me.

Did the music just get louder?

The crawl rolls on

and Winston's got the rear!

- Let's go! - Let's go.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Let's go with the backpack in the back of the pack.

Hey, so listen, can't make the crawl. Bummed.

- What? - But remember... tomorrow we have that photo shoot,

and I'm gonna need you to look as Mexican

as possible, okay?

It's not okay. We should be together.

It's Valentine's Day.

Come on, you don't really care

about Valentine's Day, do you?

I don't know, maybe I do.

Plus, you owe me.

I ran the teleprompter at your

last debate... I made "Fawn is Fine"

bumper stickers on my own dime.

- Yeah. - I even krumped at that anti-gang initiative.

Yeah, I have mixed feelings about that.

- Me, too. The point is, - Yeah.

I'm tired of always doing your things.

What do you want? You want a... You want a photo op?

Or do you want a boyfriend?

- Call me when you know what you want. - Yeah, okay.

This bar completes the eyes

on my smiley face.

Miller, man, it's just an honor

to be on this bar crawl with you.

Just serving your vision.

Are you guys going on a bar crawl?

I just got dumped, so this holiday