The Windsors (Season One)

You're to be exiled to America and you have to wear this.

Why? - They don't want you going on any more chat shows.

This is for you.

I made it in a Latvian mental hospital.

Face it, Daddy, we've outgrown our usefulness like...

nipples on men.

I'm as important as a nipple on a woman.

Give the people of Britain a referendum,

on the abolition of the monarchy.

Following Prince William's dramatic broadcast

last week, David Cameron has announced a referendum

for a month today, on the future of the monarchy.

Republican support has been running high, with Duchy Original

water biscuits and shortbreads being publicly burned.

Explaining his decision, the Prime Minister said...

Relations between Prince William

and his father are said to be cordial.

You little shit, you've ruined everything.

You could still wave out the back of a car,

just don't expect anyone to wave back.

Call Cameron now and stop this nonsense.

It's what I believe.

You can't ask me to do that any more than I can ask Dad

to stop using traditional hedge-laying methods.

The British people need someone to look up to.

They think you're ridiculous.

If I'm so ridiculous, how come I've got these medals?

Wouldn't you rather just get a job?

Waiting to be king is a job.

No, it's not.

Well, someone's paying me 19 million quid a year to do something.

Do you really want to take us on?

We've got the whole of the British establishment behind us.

The armed forces, MI5, the Dimblebys. What have you got?

The National Union of Teachers.

We've got something much bigger on our side... justice.

And the gypsies. Try running this country without clothes pegs.

So, it's war, then.

Me against you.

Well, may the best man win.

Pippa.

Oh, breakfast in bed?

And, er, I made you this.

Oh, Harry, and you kept it within the lines.

Oh, there's something in the marmalade.

- Harry? - Pippa...

.. will you marry me?

Yes!

Oh, Harry.

Can we have a bigger wedding than Kate's with gold carriages

and massive crowds and a special commemorative mug?

Actually, so long as I'm with you,

I'll be happy with a small country church and a Red Arrows fly-past.

Oh.

You've had a letter from the Duke of Edinburgh. - Grandad. Read it.

"What the fuck are you playing at?

"Of course we've got to have a fucking monarchy.

"I can't go back to hiring out pissing pedalos in Corfu at my age.

"My fucking knees have gone."

File it with the others. Harry, you're late.

- Well, only an hour. - Two days and an hour. It doesn't matter.

First job for you, what should the exact phrasing of the referendum question be?

Oh, tricky. I've got it.

People say yes or no to the statement, "We think the monarchy

"is a big bucket of gentlemen's goo and should fuck right off."

Well, that way, we get positive associations with the words

fuck and gentlemen's goo.

OK.

How about two boxes, one with keep and one with abolish?

Brilliant. That's why, one day, you're going to make a great king.

Erm...

Harry, thanks for joining us. The public love you.

Apparently they respond to the fact I don't give a fuck.

Oo-er.

By the way, while you're here, try not to shag anyone.

Oh, I wouldn't anyway, I'm engaged.

That's wonderful news. Who to?

- Pippa. - What?

Oh, fantastic, isn't it, Wills?

Ya, yeah, very good.

So, er, this is the HQ?

I'm determined to do this without taking any public money

so we've got to keep the cost down.

Yeah, but how come we're all crammed in here when you've got another three floors?

Carpets.

Oh.

Finished... my ideal British high street.

Thought you were working on your speech for the TV debate.

Oh, that'll be fine. This is what we're fighting for...

the baker selling my delicious Cornish biscuits, the architect

espousing the ideals of 15th-century Tuscany and of course,

the vast statue of me bestriding the town like a benign colossus.

Is that all you've been doing for the last four days,

you miserable fuckwit?

Well, lucky one of us knows what it takes to win these things

and I've got an ace up my sleeve, or should I say, in their camp.

Mum!

Hello, girls, I've come back to join Will's campaign.

But the Duke of Edinburgh will kill you when he finds you in Britain.

And I thought you liked all the royal stuff.

Well, I don't owe the monarchy anything.

All I've ever had from them is heartache.

And the 16-acre gated estate in Surrey.

Well, I think it's great. Welcome aboard.

But what are you doing up here?

Oh, er, I thought I heard the ghost of Princess Margaret.

Well, the chandeliers clinking can sound like someone lugging up

- a crate of brown ale. - Yeah, that'll be it.

You shouldn't be here...

The carpets.

Well, if you think that maintaining the integrity of the carpets

is more important than establishing proof of the paranormal,

then good luck to you.

Tonight, in the first of two televised debates,

Prince Charles and Prince William will argue for and against

the abolition of the monarchy.

The opinion polls are neck and neck

but there are still three weeks to go before the nation decides.

If the referendum is a tie, the decision will be made by

Strictly Come Dancing's Len Goodman.

Seven.

How are you doing, babykins?

I'm loving it, going round normal people's houses again.

Only instead of tarmacking their drives,

I'm trying to persuade them to abolish the monarchy.

Hi, guys. I just wanted to say thanks again

for making me media rep, even though my latest business...

letting myself be experimented on for medical research...

was doing really well.

Oh, no, no, no. No, this won't do at all.

I did train with Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Uncle Edward... - By the way, I don't think you're going to get

too many hard questions tonight. - Why?

I bribed the chairman, David Frost.

But David Frost died three years ago.

Oh, bollocks, who did I just give 60,000 quid to?

Oi, you!

Oi!

Don't worry, darling, you'll be great.

Shit!

Do the candidates agree that the monarchy provides valuable checks

and balances in our democracy?

Well, thank you for your question, Rex.

It's Samantha.

Oh, do forgive me, only I have a cocker spaniel called Rex,

who looks exactly like you, although unlike you, he can't speak.

Well, he can say, "Ruff", by which I don't think he's referring to the

Elizabethan collar-type arrangement made famous by Sir Walter Raleigh.

No, I think he wants his dinner.

Er, or tea, as you would probably say.

Well, that's your time, Prince Charles.

Prince Wills, your answer, please.

Well, Samantha, it's supposed to be a check but the royal veto hasn't

been used for 300 years and do you really want the checks and balances

to be provided by an unelected family of unqualified aristocrats?

And you, sir, what do you do?

I'm a plumber.

Well, you're more skilled than me. I mean, why shouldn't you be king?

I'm going to be King!

Why not?

If he was King, maybe he'd do some of the renovations

to Buckingham Palace himself and save you lot 150 million quid.

This will be us in a couple of weeks.

The first ladies' debate.

And you've had so little experience of television,

but then it must be hard getting reception in a caravan.

But that's the advantage of living in a house with wheels.

You can tow it to an area with perfect reception.

And I've done plenty of debating, arguing with the Council.

I think you'll find dealing with me in front of 30 million people

quite different to shouting at a bailiff through a little window.

85 pence.

Correct, that is exactly the price of a loaf of Kingsmill thick slice.

And now on to you, Prince Charles.

I say, would you mind awfully addressing me as Sir?

It's a little less formal.

OK, Sir, how much is a pint of milk?

Ha-ha, well, this is a trick question, isn't it?

Cos milk of course doesn't come in pints,

it comes in little china jugs.

I do wish you'd say something, darling.

I don't know why I went in to the dance. Nerves, probably.

And then lifting up my kilt, I was so sure I was wearing my gunties.

They will pixellate it on the news, won't they?

Too late, it's already out there.

So is it time to stick the Picassos in the U-boat and head for Paraguay?

No, if there's one thing my Swiss finishing school taught me,

is that when the going gets tough,

the tough start stamping on people's throats

and fucking them up.

Hello, Pippa.

I'm sorry, I don't buy dishcloths at the door.

May I?

What are you doing here?

You know the pubs are open.

You know, Pippa, we're the same, you and I.

We both know what we want. I want power...

- .. you want to shaft your sister big style. - What do you mean?

Kate's always been the special one, hasn't she?

No matter how many triathlons you run,