Extended Family

Hey, Julia.

I just got a text from the camp.

The bus is gonna drop Grace off at 5:00.

I am at The Nest recording one last goldfish video.

I'm going to screen them for her tonight.

They are hilarious, by the way.

So I will see you at 5:00.

Hey, Jimmy, I'm back. Still alive?

Still alive, Dad!

Good job.

OK.

All right, Gracie, it's your dear old dad,

recording the final installment of Diary of a Teenage Goldfish,

or What Googles the Goldfish Did

While Grace Kearney Was at Sleepaway Camp.

Now, as you've seen in my prior compelling installments,

Googles misses you terribly.

But he has also taken advantage of your absence

by staying up way past his bedtime,

gorging himself on junk food, and refusing to do his chores.

Hey, Googles, better clean up that bowl

are you gonna be in big trouble when Gracie gets home.

You and your pal, Mr. Old Timey Diver Guy better snap to it.

Make that bed. Do the dishes.

Fire up that vacuum cleaner.

No, no, no. Googles.

Googles. Oh.

Ow. Ooh.

Googles, don't you dare die on me.

Oh.

Oh!

Breathe. Breathe.

Grace is so excited about seeing you.

Ooh.

* It's genius *

* The marriage that we once had now is through *

* And now we're doing all that we can do *

* To keep us all together as a crew *

* Trust, do as we say, not as we do *

* We really thought that we were done *

* But we've just begun *

- Hi. My name is Jim.

I'm a dad who recently killed my daughter's pet goldfish.

- Hi. I'm Julia.

I'm a mom who's sitting next to this dear man

who recently killed our daughter's pet goldfish.

- Not deliberately. - Yet decisively.

Indisputably conclusively.

Jim and I were married

17 years ago last June.

- Yet, the happiest day of our lives

was when we got divorced last July.

When I asked Jim for a divorce, he said--

- Please, pretty please, with sugar on top.

- We had a good run, but it was time to--

Run away.

- Some people wonder why. - We don't.

- Let's just say that the physical-intimacy component

of the marriage had--

- Ground to a halt, which can be an indication

that a relationship is-- - Over.

- But just because that part's over

doesn't mean the affection and appreciation for one another

had totally vanished. - Far from it.

- We just began to realize that our marriage was

in the way of us getting along.

- Divorce can be a good thing. - A source of ceaseless joy.

- As long as you stay on the same page.

Which is easy on paper.

Less easy in real life.

Jim, what's wrong?

- Dad, Gracie's goldfish just died on my watch.

- Which watch? Don't say the Rolex.

Sorry. You teed that one up.

To carry on without a retort

would have weakened my wisecracking muscles.

- Yeah. I just got to figure out how to tell Gracie.

- It's easy. Lie to her.

- Yes, that was my first thought.

Let it be your last.

Lying's the proper thing here, Jim.

Hey, I'm not arguing.

I'm just afraid Grace is going to see right through it.

No chance.

Kids are smart.

- Everyone says that, but it's not true.

Kids are stupid.

Not in my experience.

- I lied to you when Rusty the cat died.

- Rusty the cat died saving a family from a house fire.

- In my lie, yes. In truth, nah.

- Wait. You told me that Rusty the cat meowed really loudly

to rouse the family awake.

- Jim, 40 years later, I'm coming clean.

Rusty the cat was run over by a street sweeper.

- Dad, please tell me it was sudden.

I can't.

Street sweepers aren't known for their horsepower.

- But once he was hit, did Rusty die quickly?

Sure.

- How did I not notice how bad a liar you were back then?

You were a stupid kid.

Ah, poor Rusty.

- See how hurt you are right now?

- Yeah. - We need to protect Grace

from the pain you're feeling.

And, yes, it took a moment or two

to extract Rusty from the rolling bristle things.

You're a monster.

- Sometimes being a monster is what fatherhood requires.

Now it's your turn, Frankenstein.

Yeah, I see that.

All right. Thanks, Dad.

I got to find Julia.

Smart.

Julia's a great liar.

She spent 17 years pretending she liked me.

Where's Jimmy?

- He's in his room playing video games.

Nice.

I do my best grandparenting when I'm ignored.

Text me on the way back, so I can split

before Julia has to struggle through her obligatory,

"Good to see you, Bobby."

Before we go further,

we want to make sure you get how happy we are.

For most people, divorce has a negative connotation.

- We wanted to reframe divorce as an opportunity

for growth, not despair.

Jubilation, not devastation.

- We considered ourselves trailblazers

for transforming a negative thing into a positive thing.

- So, for our divorce, we decided

to go back to the church where we were married.

- To host what we called the very first

reverse wedding ceremony.

- So we gathered friends and family.

- I slipped into my old wedding dress.

- I stepped into a cheap suit and an even cheaper wig,

to resemble how I looked that day.

We stood at the altar.

Took rings off of fingers.

I'm gonna pawn these.

Pawn this, too.

We lowered veils.

And ripped up our vows.

If we were Jewish,

we would have glued a glass back together.

- And then I backed out of that marriage

like it never happened.

* *

- * Last dance, last dance, last dance *

- We showed everyone how to end things on a high note.

- Everyone, that is, but our daughter, Grace.

* Last dance *

- So we bought her a goldfish to cheer her up.

Julia, hey.

Jim.

Are you here for Sunday brunch?

No, I'm here to see you.

- What? How did you know I was here?

- What do you mean, how? Duh.

- Duh, what? What am I looking at?

Oh, family sharing.

That blinking green dot, that's you.

You're tracking me?

- No. No, I don't have to track you.

You're sharing your location with me.

I just have to look at my phone.

Again, the blinking green dot--

- I know what the blinking dot is, Jim.

- OK. - But tracking me

is not the intended use of that application.

- It's entirely the intended use of that application.

You share your location with your family

so your family knows your location.

You and I are now ex-family.

Tell that to your phone.

You're the one who opted into the sharing.

When we were married.

- And just like we opted out of that,

you got to opt out of this, but that's not important.

Yes, it is.

As of this moment, I am opting out of the family tracking.

I am opting. I am scrolling.

I am searching. I am--

God, where the hell is it? - Go to Settings.

- I'm under Settings. - OK.

Take a deep breath. - Don't tell me how to breathe.

There.

I am no longer sharing my location.

I am no longer a blinking dot.

I am a no dot. I have disappeared.

I can still see you.

- You can't just track me down in person anymore, Jim.

We got to reboot our boundaries conversation.

- OK. I am sorry that I used the quite common, quite useful

family-sharing feature that was invented

so that when people are kidnapped,

they can be rescued.