Maz Jobrani: Immigrant

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage,

Maz Jobrani!

What's up, D.C.?!

Oh!

Oh! Kennedy Center, how you doing?

Whoo!

Oh, my God. This is amazing.

I don't think Public Enemy ever thought someone would be dancing Persian...

to "Fight the Power."

Whoo! Oh!

I am excited to be here. This is a dream come true.

I've been wanting to shoot a special in Washington D.C.

for the past 20 years, since I started doing standup.

I swear to God. And it's happening here. I'm excited.

I'm excited.

It's so cool. And I love D.C. It's so diverse.

When I start my shows, I always want to see who's in the audience.

By applause, where's my immigrants?

Immigrants, by applause. Let me hear you. Yes!

My people! My people!

Immigrants.

Immigrants.

Non-immigrants. Let me hear the non-immigrants.

You've been here several generations. Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Thank you for coming, white people. Thank you.

You made it official. Thank you very much.

What's your name, white man right there? What's your name?

- Ed. - Ed! Thank you, Ed.

Thank you. Ed got the license, we showed up.

This is so cool. I'm an immigrant, too. I was born in Iran. I grew up in America.

Where's my Iranians? Let me hear the Iranians.

Yes. Yes.

Ed, I knew they would be here because it's part of the nuclear deal.

They have to show up. Yeah.

Thank you for coming, Iranians.

Where's my Arabs? Arabs?

Yala, habibi! Yala, yala!

By the way, white people, that's how you get Arabs.

If you're looking for Arabs, go... They volunteer.

They have to.

I could totally work for the TSA.

I would find Arabs all day long.

I'd trick them. I'd be like, "Take out your liquids, computer and...

Right here. Five. I got five.

I got five."

What kind of Arab are you guys right there? You.

- Syrian. - Syrian! Thank you, Syria, for coming!

Yes! Thank you! Yes!

Syrians are welcome here. You're welcome. We love you.

We love you. That's right.

That's how we roll.

Thank you.

This is amazing. Any Indians in the house? Indians?

Yes! Look at you guys.

I love you guys, too.

I love you guys so much, I married one of you.

Yeah! Yeah!

Well, there's a billion of you, so odds are we're gonna marry you.

It's either them or Chinese, you know?

Any Chinese people in the house? Chinese?

Thank you, Chinese lady!

You're gonna have to up your game. There's a lot more Indians than you now,

so you might want to, you know...

- What's your name, Chinese lady? - Stephanie.

Stephanie. What a very Chinese name.

Stephanie. Such an ethnic name.

What other backgrounds? Who else is here tonight?

Where?

- Pakistan! - Wait, stop.

Pakistan, don't yell like that. Take it easy.

This guy.

Haven't you been watching the news?

Pakistan. Pakistan! Aah!

Okay.

- What? - Azerbaijan!

- Azerbaijan? And what were you saying? - El Salvador.

El Salvador, Azerbaijan. Together for them, right now.

Okay.

Guys, Netflix is international now,

so we're gonna keep going till we hit every country.

Listen, the reason I was asking all this is because I want to make a point.

There's a lot of people that come from around the world

that come to America, we're immigrants, and we love America.

We come, we love America. Right?

People need to know. There's a lot of anti-immigrant sentiment right now.

People need to know that we love America.

We come here for a reason, and we contribute, by the way.

We contribute to America in many ways, right?

We contribute...

with business and intellectually, in many ways.

Even culturally, we contribute.

I'm about to contribute to the American culture right now.

You ready? I'm gonna teach you something. This is an Iranian thing that we do.

I want you to take it. Now you can use it.

Ed, if you're ever singing a song, and you get stuck in that song,

I'll teach you how to get out of that song.

If you don't know the lyrics to a song, all you gotta do...

Yeah. It's an Iranian thing. It gets you out of any song, Ed.

Any song. Like the song "Fight the Power." If I didn't know the lyrics...

"Lai-lai-lai" works! It could be any song.

Ed, you could be singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to a kid.

You get stuck. You go...

That's it!

"Lai-lai-lai" is a great way out of a song.

Guys, if I ever sing the national anthem at a baseball game,

you'll know when I'm stuck.

I'll be at the baseball game, at the Washington Nationals.

Yes! That's right!

That's how I will sing the national anthem.

And then I will be deported.

Oh, my God.

Speaking of being deported, Trump is president, and...

Yeah, I know. I still can't believe it.

Every time I see him talking,

I'm just waiting for him to go, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

You'd be like, "Oh, my God, it's been the longest sketch ever.

Wow!"

Oh, my God. I gotta tell you, I know some of you might've voted for him.

I know that some immigrants actually voted for Trump

because they wanted fewer taxes, but they ended up with fewer relatives.

Yeah. That happens.

I'll be honest. When the whole Muslim ban thing...

people were saying Muslim ban... they asked me, "Are you afraid?"

I go, "I'm not afraid personally of the Muslim ban."

Because the honest truth is I'm really not that religious.

I was born in Iran, but I'm not really religious.

I'm not really Muslim. I'm more like Muslim-ish.

You know? This is how Muslim I am:

I could play a Muslim in a movie. You'd go see it, you'd believe it.

You'd go to a movie, you'd see me on the screen.

"Allahu Akbar!"

"Oh, he's good. Look at that. Wow."

"He speaks the language. Wow.

He's...

He's fluent in Muslim-ish.

Wow."

But the honest truth is I'm not that religious.

If I were really Muslim, I would have to fast during Ramadan.

I don't fast during Ramadan.

I couldn't drink alcohol. I drink alcohol.

I would have to pray five times a day. I don't pray.

The only time I pray is if I'm almost in an accident.

And then I just go, "Oh, Jesus!"

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

It's the wrong God! It's the wrong God!

I just say, "Oh, Jesus," because it's faster.

"Oh, Jesus!"

"Oh, Muhammad!" Takes too long.

Takes too long.

Takes too long.

Yeah.

If you go, "Oh, Muhammad,"

you're gonna get in the accident, you'll be in the ambulance,

on your way to the hospital... "I should've gone with Jesus."

You know what I'm saying? I'm just saying.

I'm just saying.

So, I wasn't too worried about the Muslim ban personally,

but my cousin Majid... that guy is screwed, okay?

He's a real Muslim. He prays five times a day,

fasts during Ramadan. Like, he's gotta go, you know.

No, I didn't say it, Trump said it. He's gotta go.

I love him, he's a nice guy, but he's gotta go.

I'm just saying, if the FBI shows up at my house

and goes, "Are there any Muslims?" I'd be like, "Yeah. Majid."

I'm not gonna lie to the FBI.