M*A*S*H

Bored.

So bored.

So bored, it's boring.

Boringadingding.

Boronus, boreetus, boreemus.

I came, I saw, I bored.

Bored, she bored, they bored.

All aboard.

I was gonna say that.

Sure.

Hello. Hello.

What? What?

‐Company. ‐New nurses?

Or loaners.

Maybe the old ones are going into the shop.

This is the 4077th.

Yeah?

Don't tell me. Don't even think it.

What's wrong?

There are five MASH units in Korea,

three evac hospitals,

I don't know how many aid stations,

clearing stations, hospital ships,

whatever, and she had to land here.

Which one?

The blonde on the right.

Very attractive.

Completely forgettable looks...

that stay with you forever.

Sounds like we're getting into flashback country.

You gotta be kidding.

‐What's that? ‐You just hid.

‐Who hid? ‐You did hid.

I haven't hidden since I was three.

Sometimes I'm sorry they ever found me.

You wanna talk?

We were involved for a time...

during my regical surg‐‐

my, uh, surgical, uh, residency in, uh, Boston.

Uh‐huh.

Wonderful girl.

Good kid.

You always react like this to good kids?

We were close. Pretty close.

If I didn't see her every hour, I got the bends.

What happened?

Nothing happened.

You saw a lot of each other?

Couldn't help it. We were living together.

The plot thickens.

Not long, year, year and a half.

Not long.

We had a small flat. Painted it ourselves.

My hands were hunter green for a week.

Told everybody I was a tree surgeon.

It, uh, busted up, sort of.

You left her?

The minute after she left me.

What's her name?

Her name?

I know you were young, but you must've had names.

‐Carlye. ‐Carlye?

Unusual.

Carlye Breslin.

Altogether unusual.

I don't‐‐ I don't mind her being here.

No, I‐I don't think I really mind at all.

Is that why you're reading Frank's diary?

I mean, she can't help being sent

wherever those idiots send her.

It's just that of all the people to jump

out of a Jeep in southwest Korea,

why the hell does it have to be her?

I think I'll check this out.

Find out how long she's staying, you know?

Maybe she's not even staying.

Maybe it's not even her.

‐Maybe you're not even you. ‐Right.

It's me.

It's her.

It's us.

Radar, you busy?

Uh, Major Burns says to fix the lights in surgery.

Right. He's afraid to sleep in the dark.

Look at that. Talent.

I'm not just a pretty face, right?

Especially since you started

parting the hair on your legs in the middle.

Radar, two new nurses just turned up in the compound.

Sears Roebuck must have got my order.

Are they‐‐ Are they assigned here

or are they just passing through?

They're all ours, brand new nurses.

Be happy to check 'em out, sir.

Make sure they're assembled correctly, no missing parts.

There's a Walton, Carlye, and an Anderson, Becky.

‐Carlye Walton? ‐You know her?

Not by that name.

Well, maybe it's a married one.

Says here married.

What, was she not before?

Lots of women are married. My wife is married.

Somehow that makes her more exciting.

‐You're weird. ‐See you.

I didn't mean you.

"The national color for Korean men's clothing

"is white.

"In some localities,

"unmarried men wear their hair down.

Married men wear a topknot."

‐A topknot. ‐Yeah.

"The women wear full skirts

which hang from the waist and almost sweep the ground

and short jackets revealing their breasts."

Well, that must flip a few topknots.

‐(laughing) ‐Read on.

Oh. "A Korean house

"with bits of charcoal and pine twigs

"hung on a straw line outside

"signifies that a baby girl has been born,

and no one is allowed to enter for three weeks."

Oh, Korean baby girls

take an incredibly long time to make up.

Must be.

‐(knocking) ‐B.J.: Anybody home?

Men are here with your welcome.

‐Oh, come in. ‐B. J.: How do?

We greet you on behalf of the men,

women, and deviants of the 4077th.

I'm Becky Anderson.

Carlye Walton.

This is Captain B. J. Hunnicutt.

What does "B. J." stand for?

Practically anything.

‐This is Captain Hawkeye Pierce. ‐Hawkeye?

Uh, that's from The Last of the Mohicans, isn't it?

Give the little lady a cigar.

Cigar. We have anything

you might conceivably wish to smoke:

cigar, pipe, ham.

‐Oh, gee, thanks. ‐Think nothing of it.

My partner and I come with extra table leaves

just so we can extend ourselves for you.

‐So we can extend ourselves for you. ‐Right.

Tell our first couple

what else they've won, Fenneman.

‐This bar of soap‐‐ ‐(gasp)

...from those who'll be working closely with you in O. R.

Please use at least once a week.

Shampoo.

Because we couldn't find anything real poo.

To be taken only internally.

Thank you.

And last, but certainly most,

five hundred sheets of the famous 4077 stationery.

Very handy for writing your lawyer.

It's obvious you've struck an officer

or embezzled the company's funds

or ravaged a corpsman.

Only creeps get sent to a MASH.

That's the end of our goodies.

If there's anything we can do to make your sentence bearable‐‐

We're right across the road.

Tent's called "The Swamp."

Stop in for a drink after chow.

Oh, thank you.

Dinner here's around 7:00.

‐Nausea's around 8:00. ‐Ladies.

I love him.

Which one?

I don't care.

Come.

Lieutenant.

Well, it is a swamp.

We did it without a decorator.

A little hunter green wouldn't hurt.

‐Sorry, all out. ‐Mm.

‐I promised you a drink. ‐Yes.

Uh, You were right about the food here.

Yeah, I'll never understand how the cook got off at Nuremberg.

You have your choice, gin or gin.

‐I'll leave it up to you. ‐Here you go.

Thank you.

To old friends.

Old friends.

‐It's pure poison. ‐We think so.

Oh, how are you, Hawkeye?

Are you well?

How do I look?

A little thinner. A little paler.

A few gray hairs.

These aren't mine.

I'm breaking in a friend's senility.

Has it been rough for you over here?

It's mostly kids you work on,

as if they machine gunned a high school class.

‐You all right? ‐Yeah, fine.

How do you stand on the subject of sitting?

‐So‐‐ ‐I was gonna say that.

Tell me about Mr. Walton.