Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday.

It's the one day of the year we get to embrace our fears,

no matter what they might be or who they might...

God! Come on, Chloe.

What up, donkey?

Can you please stop putting heads everywhere?

Hey. Didn't you sleep here again last night?

Was it that, like, the fourth night this week?

So what is your costume this year? Detective ass-basket?

It's another holiday for you to ruin with your snarky comments.

No, that is not true.

I love Halloween. I love everything about it.

Really? 'Cause it's my favorite, too, especially this year,

because it's the first time in forever

that Steven and I haven't been together.

You know, I've always been part of a couple's costume.

I was always Steven's "and something,"

you know, doctor and sexy nurse,

or doctor and sexy patient.

Sherlock ho.

Mm, I should've called you Sherlock ho.

Hey, you want to do something fun and Halloween-y tonight?

Like, I'm great at bobbing for apples.

I can fit, like, three in my mouth at once.

"A," you have never been sexier,

"B," I'm sorry. I can't. I'm busy.

Did you get it?

I just sent out the e-mail for my Halloween party.

(Meows)

Hi, friends.

Who needs fear when we have...

Love?

Whee!

Whee! Oh! Brr!

I love ice cream.

This is the invite for your Halloween party?

James is terrified of Halloween.

Yeah, I hate being scared. I mean, hate it.

Hate it worse than I hate applause for other people.

So every year, James throws a positivity party

where we celebrate life and happiness.

Absolutely no scary costumes, just happy ones.

It all started when I was a kid.

My dad played me a vhs tape of "Halloween" on Christmas.

Ruined two holidays at once.

Thanks for going to the movies with me, mark.

Halloween and chick flicks are converging

into the perfect package

in Katherine Heigl's "trick or... baby?"

I'm just happy to get out of the apartment.

Halloween is a... dark time for my girlfriend.

Candy and kids make Jennifer feel fat.

Oh, my God.

Wait. Is that Chloe?

What is she doing here? She hates chick flicks.

She says they send out a negative message

that women need to be in a relationship to be happy

and Kate Hudson.

Who is that?

You don't think they're together. Are they?

She's reaching over into his lap. She's gonna grab his Peter.

She's gonna grab his Peter right here.

Oh.

Just popcorn.

She's nestling into him.

Is she out on a date?

Because Chloe doesn't go out on dates.

She bangs strangers at the people's choice awards

and then steal's their people's choice awards.

Everyone please notice

that it's not the black guy talking in the movie theater.

Ha! I knew that you'd have to pee

after all that diet soda that you were share-drinking.

What the hell is going on?

What are you doing?

I saw you sharing popcorn

and resting your head on a boy's shoulder.

You're on a date.

Okay, fine. I've been seeing this guy Benjamin.

I kinda like him, but I didn't say anything,

because I knew you'd make a big deal about it.

You have a boyfriend! Look, we're just hanging out, okay?

But I do find myself doodling hearts

instead of babies with big balls.

That is adorable. I wanna meet him.

What? No. Absolutely not.

Yes. I'll cook for the two of you, and we'll all get together,

and we'll play scattergories.

Ugh. Fine. One dinner.

But do not make that fish thing you make.

My Halibut wheels?

Fish are not round.

So where did you two meet?

Oh, James' Halloween party last year.

See? I knew Halloween was a good time to meet somebody.

This year, my plan is to get a cute guy's phone number.

Yeah, Chloe was dressed as a flight attendant...

And I asked her for more peanuts.

And at first, I had no idea what he was talking about...

Right. And I was like, "get your own damn peanuts."

And then I realized, and I was like,

"oh, peanuts." Peanuts.

Yeah, but we didn't actually

start dating until, uh, last month.

We bumped into each other at the Chelsea market.

He was buying corn. I love corn. I can't get enough corn.

And I was buying Rosemary-mint bath salts for my dry skin.

No, you said that you'd heard that if you smoked them,

you'd try to cut out a person's tongue and eat it.

That is what I said. Remember?

That's what I said. And I thought it was so charming.

I can be charming. And, uh, yeah,

we've been spending time together ever since.

Ever since.

Wow.

You guys...

You guys are perfect together.

I agree. You two are adorbs.

Thanks, Eli.

Oh.

Someone order a stripper?

Hey, man. Guys, this is my best friend Zonk.

I told him to meet me here.

We're gonna head to the hockey game.

Did you just summon up snot only to swallow it down?

I did. Chicks like it.

That and the way I eat peaches.

I'll call you later, sweetie.

Okay, bye. Mm. Bye.

Adieu.

Okay, bye. See you later.

Bye.

Chloe, I am shocked.

I never pegged you as the relationship type,

but Benjamin is so great.

You guys seem so happy together,

and you could tell that he really... he really likes you.

Really? Do you think so?

Oh, absolutely. This is my area of expertise.

Great. So it'll hurt that much more when I totally destroy him!

Oh, I would throw my head back

and do my evil Halloween laugh, but my neck hurts

and my throat kinda does, too.

What do you mean "destroy him"?

Every Halloween, I pick a person who annoys me,

I figure out their deepest, darkest fears...

what would psychologically break them

and ruin their lives forever...

and then the next Halloween,

I do it.

Wait. You've never seen "The Wire"?

I'm gonna spend the next hour telling you how good it is.

Got it.

...goes to the docks. Five seasons...

You were my hypnotist?

You were supposed to help me quit smoking,

not start touching my junk in public.

Well, you stopped smoking, didn't you?

Yes, because my hands are always busy touching my junk.

And why did you make the trigger word my name?

Hey, Victor.

Oh, no.

I struggle with it because I'm such a private person,

but finally, I was like, "yes, Chelsea Clinton,

I will be in your wedding."

Got it.

You were my nutritionist?

I cooked everything with lard.

Everything.

That's why I love being a director...

crafting moments, taking the audience on a journey...

and that's why it was so satisfying

directing you in "love monster."

Some of my best work.

Got it.

You know, everyone told me... they said,

"don't sign on to a chick flick

where you fall in love with a giant pink puppet,"

but I said to them... I said, "no..."

I need money."

I had to dig deep to find his biggest fear

and then construct the perfect trick.

I needed to make him fall in love

with a woman who reminded him of his mother.

She walked out on him when he was 7 years old,

and they were watching "facts of life,"

and she never came back.

I'd have to do the old pump and dump.

Is that a thing? It is, and I'll explain it now.

The pump and dump... have sex with him in his childhood bed

while listening to the theme song of "facts of life"

and then dump him. No way. I do not buy this for one second.

I saw you and Benjamin together. You guys were so great.

I mean, you guys... you were finishing each other's...

sentences? Yes, I could do that with anyone.

But it's so...

brilliant. Yes, I am kind of a...

bitch? Genius. See? You can't do it.