How I Met Your Mother

I am not impressed with the talent in here tonight.

And the more I drink, the less attractive they get.

I'm one scotch and soda away from the Cantina scene in Star Wars.

What about those girls over there? They're hot.

- They're not hot. - Are you kidding?

I hated their guts the second I saw them.

Which means they're hot.

In fact, I hated them almost as much as I hated Robin

when I first met her.

- You hated me? - A lot.

Barney, they're hot.

There is so much to teach you all.

You have just become victims of...

"the Cheerleader Effect". Glad you asked.

The Cheerleader Effect is when group of women seems hot

but only as a group.

Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot,

but take each one of them individually?

Sled dogs.

That's insane.

Take a good, hard look at each one of those girls.

Individually.

I don't know. The one on the end is kind of cute.

Yeah, she really is.

And that, my friends, is "The Cheerleader Effect".

Also known as the Bridesmaid Paradox,

Sorority Girl Syndrome,

and for a brief window in the mid-'90s,

the Spice Girls Conspiracy.

Scary Spice indeed.

Barney Stinson.

Okay. Got it.

Great, we'll be in touch.

What?

Apparently, I'm gonna be a dad.

Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow

You're gonna be a dad? How did this happen?

It was just some girl I hook up with a few weeks back.

She's not sure. She's gonna go to the doctor in the morning.

Maybe it's a false alarm. Maybe she's not pregnant.

No part of Barney Stinson does anything less than 110%.

If one of my little Michael Phelpses got loose, he's swimming for the gold.

Oh, this is a nightmare. I don't want kids.

Who in their right mind would ever want kids?

Now, when you turn 30 and you're in a couple,

a strange thing happens.

You start to see babies everywhere.

Oh, come on.

Yes, Marshall and Lily were coming down with baby fever.

Their new neighbor weren't helping.

Did you lose a sock there, little dude?

That is without a doubt

the cutest little thing I've ever seen.

There's my little peanut.

That night they sat down to have a serious

practical discussion about having kids.

So, if we have a baby,

do you think you could work fewer hours?

Doesn't matter, he's gonna be so cute, I'm gonna eat him up on the first day.

Okay. But what about money? We're still in a ton of debt.

We'll count our overdue bills on his teenie tiny fingers.

Let's have a baby.

Oh, oh, right now? Oh, okay.

There was just one thing in their way.

Scooch over. I TiVo'd The View.

And that thing happened to be unemployed and sleeping on their couch.

So, Robin,

how's the job and apartment search going?

You didn't hear? I'm the lead anchor on CNN.

And I got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold.

Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.

They realized if they were going to start a family.

They had to plan ahead.

So, Robin, would you mind crashing at Ted's tomorrow night?

I'm... cooking Marshall a special dinner.

Just dinner. That's it. Nothing else.

Fine. But you'd better not be as uptight as these idiots

about me shooting beer cans on the roof.

"It hurt my ears.

"The neighbors called the cops. You almost hit me."

Enjoy her, Ted. She's in a real good place right now.

God? It's me. Barney.

What up?

I know we don't talk much,

though a lot of girls call out your name because of me.

Awesome.

But, God...

If you could get me out of this,

I swear I will never ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...

Oh, hang on, bro.

Go for Barney.

Really?

Great news! I'm not a father!

Congratulations, buddy.

This is the happiest moment of my life, Marshall.

The way I feel about not having kids?

I never knew I could love something this much.

That's why I'm creating a holiday.

From now on, today will be known as "Not a Father's Day."

- You're creating a holiday? - Why not?

Everyone else gets a day: mothers, fathers, bastilles.

Why can't there be a day for people who are single and like it that way?

Now you just sound like the chubby girl on Valentine's Day.

- Hello, Stinson. - Hey, Nolan. How are the kids?

You ready for tonight, Eriksen? Big merger.

That's between me and my wife, sir.

The meeting with Mr. Li. Tonight.

I thought that was a breakfast meeting.

It is. Breakfast in China. We're teleconferencing with the Chinese.

I'm counting on you, kid.

- Marshall? - Hey, babe.

- It's breakfast time in China. - Yeah, it is.

Not a euphemism. Look, I...

- Wait, what would that even mean? - I don't know, hot buns, spicy pork?

There's something there.

You're not coming home tonight, are you?

Are you shaking your head "no"?

I thought so.

Thank you, guys, for coming over so fast.

Are you all right? You sounded upset on the phone.

Marshall and I made this big decision to have...

dinner. And I thought

I was ready to have... dinner.

But then he called and canceled,

and it got me thinking. Is it too early for us to have...

dinner?

I had an early lunch, so I'm ready for dinner.

- Dinner is a baby! - Lily, that's horrible!

No, no, I need you guys to figure something out for me.

What?

Are Marshall and I ready to have a baby?

So, are Marshall and I ready to have a baby or not?

Lily, we can't make this decision for you. It's huge.

You know what else is huge? Marshall's head.

That thing's the size of a late August watermelon.

Marshall's baby coming through there?

- What does Marshall think? - Probably a lot

in that 1950s space helmet of a head he's walking around with.

Marshall really excited.

But I think he only sees what's cute about having a baby,

not what's hard about it.

Like the other day, while Marshall was playing with baby Jeremy,

I was talking to Jeremy's mom.

Thanks so much for inviting us over. I have not talked to another adult in,

like, weeks. Besides my husband.

But "It's your turn to change him" and "Make him shut up"

really doesn't count as conversation.

Sorry, I'm rambling. I haven't gotten laid in seven months.

I just did it again! Sleep deprivation!

Oh, wait, I'm not crying, am I? I usually am.

I don't mean to complain. Now I feel bad!

There's my little peanut!

Oh, I love you so much!

I'm going to be as strung out as Charlotte.

Worse actually.

At least her husband works from home.

I mean, he's a pot dealer, but he's a very involved parent.

- Marshall will be a great dad. - Marshall's always at the office,

and I'm afraid that if we have a baby now,

all the work will fall on me.

You're just panicking and focusing on the downside.

I think Lily's just being realistic.

See, this is good. This is why I called you guys both over here.

Ted, you're pro kids. Robin, you're against.

Counselors, opening statements.

Okay, I know you're afraid that you're not ready.

But no one ever thinks they're ready.

You just have to take the leap. Parenthood will come naturally.

Of course you think it comes naturally.

- You're basically a dad already. - You're a total dad.

- What are you talking about? - Ted, think about it.

You tell super corny dad jokes.

Shredded tweet!

Shredded tweet!

You lecture us. Like when we broke your stupid ship in a bottle.

I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed.

- She did it! - Shut up!

And you do that thing all dads do with waitresses.

Hi, I'm Lori. I'll be your waitress this evening.

Hi, Lori, I'm Ted. I'll be your customer this evening.

Hey, Lori, before you go, tell me,

what do you get when you cross a canary with a lawn mower? No hints.

She's right. You maybe single and childless,

but you're totally a dorky dad.

I don't think I like your tone, young lady.

Not a Father's Day is a hit!

Laraby and Finklestein are helping me celebrate. Check it.

"World's Greatest Not A Dad" mugs.

There's...

"Who's Not Your Daddy?" t-shirts.