How I Met Your Mother

You guys. You guys will not believe what just happened.

On my way here, a taxi

jumped the curb and it pinned this old lady,

and I-I just went into this, like, crazy adrenaline mode

and I somehow lifted it off her.

Oh, my God, Ted, your wrist.

Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen.

I must've strained it lifting. No,

I believe our dear friend Lily was referring

to your other wrist.

The one wearing the male birth control.

I was gonna go with

"chastity bracelet."

God, is it possible to love you more?

Really? Really? I just

saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this?

Yeah, you know what, guys? Leave him alone.

All right, he's a hero.

Thank you.

Do you think that your super strength came from

wearing Wonder Woman's magic wrist cuff?

Yeah, I'll have you know that because of this cuff,

I have a date.

With some hand lotion and the Internet?

It is possible to love you more!

She exists.

And she's right outside.

Great. Bring her in.

You know what? It's so nice out.

Why don't... why don't we just all go for a walk.

It's pouring rain, Ted. I think it's pretty obvious

she can't fit through the door. Mm.

She is a gorgeous, athletic woman.

"Athletic"? Sideburns, no cans.

She is hot.

So why can't she come in, Ted?

She can come in.

: In six and a half months.

Wait. Are you saying she's...

Twenty.

And a half.

Almost.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Ah-ah! Hold up, guys.

She had to bounce. Um, a flash mob broke out in front

of a line of Korean-Mexican food trucks in Williamsburg.

The only thing

that would make her more of a 20-year-old

is an ironic form

of transportation. Yeah.

She's roller skating there.

I don't know which is more pathetic--

that you're going out with a 20-year-old

or that you bought a leather cuff to get a date with her.

I didn't buy this

to get a date.

I just happened to be out

catching up on some Saturday afternoon

leather cuff shopping, Oh.

and she just happened to be a leather cuff saleswoman.

God, I am so glad I am done chasing bimbos.

Now that I'm engaged, that whole part of my life

just seems sad and empty.

I don't want this to sound

too harsh, Ted, but you disgust me.

Until a month ago, your headboard had a lube dispenser.

Uh, yeah.

We got rid of that, okay? Yeah.

Anyway, speaking of engaged,

check out what got back from being resized.

Oh, my God. Look at the size of that rock.

Barney, you don't

start with the I-got-caught-cheating diamond.

You give yourself room to grow.

It's a family heirloom.

Yeah, I got a few dirty looks

from Barney's half-sister over Christmas,

so I had to sit her down and explain very respectfully...

that she can suck it.

Okay.

I got to bounce.

Stop saying that.

This DJ from Dubai is spinning

at an abandoned loading dock in Bushwick.

I'm worried I don't have enough layers.

So what if my friends

thought it was doomed?

I was still young, and I knew that a night of partying

with a girl over a decade younger than me

would be a total...

...disaster. She's like an entirely different species.

And I definitely didn't have enough layers.

I didn't understand half the words she was saying.

To me, it all sounded like hipster Mad Libs.

Didn't you check your phone?

I just "means of contacting" you

on "currently hot social networking site."

The show's been moved

to "New York neighborhood

you've never heard of."

Oh. Wow, my phone has a clock.

And they subsist on a diet of pointlessly weird combinations.

Ooh.

Hey, do you want to split a kimchi cupcake

with bacon frosting?

They are the best here.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, that'll go great with my

cucumber jalapeño egg cream.

Chug it! Come on. Come on.

We got to get going. Right. Okay.

Then later, at a club in Chinatown

somehow located beneath a manhole cover,

it got weird.

God, I just love those

tiny gray hairs in your eyebrows.

Old men are so sexy.

(Marshall, Lily, Barney and Robin groan)

All right, to be fair,

some of those gray hairs were dried egg cream.

Turns out, when you

projectile vomit on skates,

you roll right into the spray.

Wait, how old does she think you are?

So, were you in Vietnam?

Hold that groan.

Charlie was everywhere.

She's hot! She likes old guys!

Don't judge me!

Anyway, when we got out on the dance floor, th...

I swear, this is what all the 20-year-olds looked like...

I want to thank you for your service to this nation, Private.

Colonel.

Aw.

I got to end this.

Yeah, seriously, Ted.

Pretending to be someone else just to get laid?

That's... (scoffs) embarrassing.

Your Highness!

Let's go.

Ew. Marshall, take that off.

What? I think it looks kind of cool.

Cool?

You look like one of those jerks who's in some lame band

and rides a motorcycle without a helmet and has a wallet chain

and neck tattoos and a drug problem.

Not a... a big one, just, uh...

enough that he deals a little bit on the side, and...

he can never... ever be true to one woman.

Finish that damn pickle and do me!

Okay, you guys know how my mornings usually go.

Why would we care how...

Usually it's like this.

After you.

Aw, thank you.

On the house, Robin!

Mmm.

Wow.

Do little bluebirds help you get dressed in the morning, too?

But today was different.

That'll be $3.75.

But I didn't have to pay yesterday.

Okay. $7.50.

Oh, honey-sweetie-baby. It's the ring, Robin.

The ring has power.

When a woman puts on an engagement ring,

it's like when Bilbo Baggins wears the One Ring

in The Hobbit.

Okay, can you say that again but not in nerd?

Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak

that Harry Potter wears to sneak around Hogwarts.

Yeah, I don't speak virgin either.

The ring-- it makes you invisible.

RING (whispers): You're not precious.

Oh, good, you're awake.

Look, Ted,

there's something we have to talk about.

Boundaries? Invasion of privacy?

Losing your key privileges?

It's about the 20-year-old, Ted.

You have to bang her.

For me!

Why do you want me to hook up with this 20-year-old?

I thought I disgusted you.

Yeah, that was all an act.

Look, look, look, I love Robin

and she's the only girl I want to be with.

But my body is detoxing after years of one-night stands.

They don't make