Life Sentence

Aww! Look at these two.

She's been dreaming about this day since she was a sapling.

He's got a tiny stick up his butt.

But you can't deny they were made for each other.

Stella?

- Hmm? - ‭Who are you talking to?

Oh.

- Thought I was talking to you. - Oh, let me guess.

You two need a wedding cake.

Actually, we need a funeral cake.

- That's not a thing. - Right.

But I love cake, and it's my funeral.

My living funeral.

- I'm dying. - Wow.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, don't be.

My life has been pretty amazing.

I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing.

From the minute I was diagnosed with cancer,

my mom and dad were there for me no matter what.

- We're here for you. - No matter what.

Over the next few years,

my brother Aiden encouraged me to live like I was dying.

Because I was.

Yeah!

My sister Elizabeth never let me miss a beat...

even when I was at my absolute worst.

My family always helped me face my fears.

So that dying would seem like the next great adventure.

Would you do something for me?

Six years in, I thought I had done it all.

Would you get me out of here?

But then I was watching this sappy cancer movie

with my sister and her husband, Diego,

and I realized that there was still one thing

left for me to do...

find true love.

So after I stopped chemo,

my dad scraped together the money to send me

to the birthplace of love...

Paris.

Where I dressed up like a sexy mime

and waited for my soul mate to appear.

Oh! I'm so sorry.

He was lost... literally.

- Can you help me? - But he was also figuratively lost.

See, he was afraid to live...

And she was afraid to die.

Oh, baby, you've gotta stop adding that part.

I was not afraid to die.

We'll just tell it your way.

So there we were, ‭two strangers in Paris...

falling in love the way only two people

with nothing else to do truly can.

You know what happens next.

Stella?

Will you spend ‭the rest of your life...

with me?

I love you.

I love you, too.

So I got my godmother Poppy to marry us.

Sure, getting married was a rash decision,

but it was only a six-to eight-month commitment, tops.

- I love you. - Not yet!

"Husband and wife," I have to say that part.

And so began the sexiest marriage ever.

I know what you're thinking.

Nobody has Sara Bareilles candle sex every night.

But we do.

Because we never know

if it will be my last night on earth.

That was a beautiful story.

A little longer than I expected,

but... a beautiful story.

You're life is like one of those romantic cancer movies.

I want to give you a free cake.

Thank you so much.

Okay. I played the cancer card,

but you have to play the hand you're dealt.

After all, I am dying.

You're not dying.

I'm sorry.

What did you just say?

The oncolytic virotherapy worked.

Stella...

you're cured.

Oh, my God! That's amazing!

That's amazing! Thank you so much!

Needless to say, my living funeral

took on a whole new meaning.

I know that we've been

down this road before...

Dr. Chang said that I'm not in remission...

I'm cured.

I don't believe it.

Oh, Daddy, stop crying.

You're making me cry.

Your mom's not gonna stop.

I'm so glad you're okay.

Thank you.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Aiden's friend Marlene.

She's here for emotional support.

We got rowdy that night.

Even Dad danced.

All right, hey, guys!

Why are we still holding these eulogies

for someone who's not dying?

Why don't we just burn this thing, huh?

Who's with me? Come on!

This thing is not lighting. Okay, just give me a second.

All right, okay. Okay, fine, fine, fine.

Okay.

Oh, Stel, you should have invited Dr. Chang

so we could have thanked her in person.

- Mmm. - ‭Oh, this was just for family.

- And apparently, Marlene. - Aww!

Plus, I was thinking that I could...

I could throw Dr. Chang her own party next week

- instead of family dinner. - Of course, yes!

So... what are you gonna do

with the first day of the rest of your life?

I don't know. ‭Maybe I'll apply to college.

I know a professor who could write me a good recommendation.

Everything okay, Daddy?

Yep. Never been better, Stel-belle.

Hey, did my dad seem weird to you?

No, you're dad's ‭just not a very emotional guy.

Yeah. It's probably nothing.

Okay, time for our private celebration.

Play Sara Bareilles.

Mmm.

- Mmm. Actually... - ‭Mm-hmm?

Um...

would you mind ‭if we took the night off?

- I'm... I'm exhausted, and... - ‭Yes.

Absolutely fine. No problem.

Okay. I'm sorry.

Today's just... been a lot.

And I...

don't want to be up for hours.

Babe, it doesn't have to take hours.

I mean, maybe we can just ditch the 600 candles

and the indie-rock soundtrack

and, you know, just get 'er done.

Oh. Ow.

Am I the "'er" in that crude proposition?

Oh, no. I mean, yes, you are, but I...

Do you not like the way we have sex?

I love it. It's not that, I'm just saying

that this isn't gonna be your last night on earth,

so maybe we could change it up.

I don't want anything to change.

- You know what? Never mind. - Let's just go to bed.

What are you doing?

I always fall asleep with my head on your chest.

Unless you don't like being my pillow anymore, either.

No, I... I love being your pillow.

Get in there.

Yeah.

As I lay there, I could feel things were already changing,

I just didn't know how much.

- What? - Hi, Daddy.

Oh. ‭-Just came to see how you were doing.

Can't talk, Stel-belle, late for my lecture.

- Oh. - Rent's on the counter.

Love you.

What's going on?

Mom just left Dad.

Do you... Do you want a waffle?

‭These waffles are amazing.

- You should try it. - Can you just stop with the waffle?

You're right, this is serious. A waffle isn't the answer.

Oh, I also have three flavors of Tasty Strudel...

Will someone just tell me what happened?

Lizzie, you take it.

Oh, okay.

The way Mom and Dad act around you is a show.

They've got problems.

They just kept them from you

because Dr. Chang told us not to dump in,

because creating a positive emotional environment

would give you a better shot at beating cancer.

So...

we all kept stuff from you.

You all have...

secrets you've been hiding from me for the last eight years?

- Oh, uh... - No, no secrets.

I'm good.

Are you lying?

- Obviously. - Aiden is stress-eating.

So what are you're problems?

Uh, Aiden is a grown man who still lives at home,

sells his ADD medication to soccer moms,

and uses your cancer to guilt them into sleeping with him.

- Well, Elizabeth hates her children. - ‭I do not!

Please, you said that you would trade them for a massage chair.

I said that once.

Okay, okay. I will admit I...

made sacrifices in my career