How I Met Your Mother

Oh, God, guys, I'm still really hungover.

Did I really ruin a wedding?

No, you didn't ruin a wedding.

Just the reception.

And the bar mitzvah next door.

And my dress.

And your dress. You put on a dress at one point.

Okay, you know what, that's it.

I'm about to be a dad, and I want to be

the kind of man that my child can look up to.

So, sweeping declaration--

I am never getting drunk again as long as I live.

I'm serious.

Kids, it's not that your Uncle Marshall

had a drinking problem.

But whenever he made a sweeping declaration like that,

you pretty much knew...

I did it again.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened to your leg?

Oh, nothing.

I'm meeting Nora for coffee.

She's still mad at me, so I need some sympathy points.

She likes musicals, so I'm going

to tell her I fell off the stage

during a performance of Man of La Mancha.

What do you think?

Lose the cast.

A one-man show-- I like it!

Just so we're clear--

this woman is mad at you because you lied to her.

So your solution is to pretend you broke your leg?

You're right.

A neck brace. Thanks, Lil.

Man, I wish I'd have talked to you sooner.

I've been practicing with these crutches all day

and whoever left them in my lobby

probably really needs 'em.

Well, uh, I have some good news.

As you all know, I recently decided to get back out there

and start dating again. And, uh, well...

Is this you?

Uh, yeah. Hi.

I'm Ted.

- Hi. - Hi.

That's great, Ted.

Yeah. Yeah, it was a moment of pure destiny.

The kind you just can't manufacture.

Or so I thought.

Oh, no. How did I get on there?

Hi. Ted Mosby.

Guilty.

Hi. Ted Mosby.

That is embarrassing.

I should be on the cover of Egg On My Face magazine.

But I'm not.

I'm on the cover of this one.

Hi. Ted Mosby.

16 moments of pure destiny

in one day, and of those 16,

ten were single.

Of those ten, seven liked what they saw.

Of those seven,

four were women.

Of those four,

two gave me their real number.

And I have a date with both of them.

Okay.

Guys,

it's Garrison Cootes.

Kids, Garrison Cootes was a senior partner

at Honeywell & Cootes.

One of the biggest environmental law firms

in America.

Marshall would have given anything to work there.

If I don't get this job, I might end up working

at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere.

And nobody wants that.

Or maybe you guys want that, because you'll get free tacos,

'cause your my peeps.

But right now I need all of you to calm down!

Hello.

Marshall, this is Garrison Cootes.

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner,

but I've just been swamped.

Which is funny, 'cause I'm literally

standing in a swamp.

Anyway, I'm just out here, I'm just collecting some samples

for this pollution case we're working on.

I love the work you guys do. That's a croc...

No, I mean it.

No, no, there's a crocodile about five feet away from me.

So I'm just going to ignore

the hot urine filling my waders as we speak,

and tell you that we're very interested.

He's interested.

Obviously we have to do some sort

of credit check, you know, a criminal record

and Google search, but as long as nothing unseemly turns up,

you're good to go, man.

That is fantastic, Mr. Cootes!

Well, I gotta run.

This is so funny,

because, actually, I physically have to run now.

- Croc saw you? - He's advancing, yeah.

? How I Met Your Mother 7x02 ? The Naked Truth Original Air Date on September 19, 2011

The next night, Barney met Nora for coffee.

Thankfully, without the ridiculous leg cast.

Hey, Nora, thanks for meeting me here.

What happened to your neck?

My wha...? Oh, it's nothing.

I was performing in a one-man show of Fiddler.

There was this roof.

Wow, that one has fantastic ta-tas.

What, where?

Oh... Oh, damn it.

Ta-ta.

Wait, Nora, wait... No, look, please don't.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What is the matter with you?

What kind of person needs to lie like that.

A person who really, really likes you.

And suspects, probably accurately,

that you're way out of his league,

and so he feels the need to...

I'm sorry, you were kidding

about the fantastic ta-tas, right?

'Cause I'm looking around and I do not see 'em...

I just had two back-to-back dates.

That's right, two lovely ladies,

four large cappuccinos, and... one sec.

And I don't know which date was more awesome.

Let's meet the girls.

Jessica is a Rhodes scholar.

She's traveled all over the world.

Speaks four languages, is a concert pianist.

And Claire reached for the check.

So I don't know.

It's a squeaker.

I mean, both of these girls

have the potential to be something really special.

They both move on to the next round.

Wait a minute.

You're going to date two girls at once?

Don't you think you should just choose one

before it gets serious?

Define serious.

Well, that's complicated.

I guess you have to weigh expectations,

emotional investments...

Third base.

Seriously, third base.

So I can go to second base with both of these girls, no problem?

Oh, honk away, my friend. Yeah, honk away.

Oh, no.

Ever since Mr. Cootes mentioned the background check,

Marshall had been scouring the Internet.

Most of what he found was pretty harmless.

In some cases, really awesome, until...

Not good.

This-- this is not good.

Thanks, Stacy.

Wesleyan has a new cafeteria,

thanks to the generous endowment from--

Oh, ho-ho!

Did somebody say generous endowment?

I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you can call me Beercules!

Well, that could be anybody.

Oh, man, I forgot about Beercules.

Who made this Web site anyway?

- Pete Durkenson. - Of course.

Is that the guy who convinced you to run across campus naked?

I was pledging his frat,

which I gave up on after three days,

because frats are stupid and elitist

and also I found out he wasn't in a frat.

Oh, my God.

This is awesome.

I just got invited to the Architects' Ball,

the annual gala that honors the city's greatest architects.

Oh, no, you guys see why this sucks, right?

Because it's an annual gala

honoring the city's greatest architects?

Robin, this is the social event of the year.

You take a girl to the Architects' Ball,

brother, you're going to third base.

Whichever girl

I take as my date,

she will be Miss Ted Mosby's girlfriend

by the end of the night.

Okay, no more sitting on the fence.

Robin, get me my legal pad.

It's pros and cons time!

And kids, they really cheered.

Let me make one thing very clear to you.

I don't date guys who lie to me.

Well, see, I did not know that.

My bad.

So, from here on in, no more lies.

I will never lie to you again.