United States of Tara

PREVIOUSLY ON "UNITED STATES OF TARA"...

Max: HEY, A-ARE WE SURE THIS IS A SUICIDE?

YOU DO NOT WANT TO BUY

DON HUBBARD'S FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE.

HA HA! ESCROW JUST CLOSED.

YOU NEED A REAL CARPENTER.

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU GIVE HIM FOR MATERIALS?

SULLY! GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK.

KIDS, GO BACK INSIDE. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WE HAVE A WARRANT FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S ARREST.

I'M HAVING MEMORIES.

IT'S THE HUBBARD HOUSE THAT'S MAKING IT HAPPEN.

WE'VE GOT SOME BIG NEWS. WE'RE PREGNANT!

FOUND OUT TODAY THAT THE BABY'S NOT NICK'S.

IT'S NEIL'S. WHAT?!

IT'S MY PRINCESS VALHALLA COSTUME.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIVED HERE? WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?

Kate: LYNDA AND I ARE SETTING UP A TABLE

AT THIS COMIC SHOP IN KC-MO

TO SELL PICTURES OF ME FOR MONEY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET WITH EVERY FEMALE

WHO CRUSHES ON YOU, MARSHALL.

COURTNEY, I DON'T WANT TO PUT MY BONER IN --

DO THAT STUFF WITH BOYS, AND THEN COME HOME TO ME.

DO YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

Weatherman: A LARGE CELL HAS MOVED THROUGH THE AREA.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? HUBBARD'S BASEMENT. IT'S BIGGER. COME ON. LET'S GO.

YOU'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT NEIL'S BABY, ARE YOU? YOU MEAN NICK'S.

WHAT ABOUT THE TORNADO?

IT'S OVER. WHERE'S MOM GOING?

Max: SHE'LL BE BACK.

* OPEN UP THE SKY

* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH

* IT'S WINDY, AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

Hello?

Tara?

MAX?

W-WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M -- I'M -- I'M FINE.

I've been worried about you all night.

I SEEM TO DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

I just got a call.

Guess who's paying us a visit at 1:00.

Department of Family fuckin' Services.

It's the Sully thing.

COURT'S SENDING SOMEONE OVER TO CHECK ON THE KIDS --

MAKE SURE I'M NOT AN UNFIT PARENT.

TARA?

Hello?

YEAH, YEAH. I'M -- I HEARD YOU.

HONEY, Y-YOU GOT TO COME HOME.

THIS GUY'S GONNA BE HERE IN ABOUT FIVE HOURS.

AND THAT TORNADO WAS NOT OUR FRIEND.

Someone -- let's call her "Kate" --

left the back door open.

There is dirt and shit all over the place.

HOW BAD IS IT?

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN NEW ORLEANS?

Okay.

I'M ON MY WAY.

YOU CAN DO THIS, MARSHALL. YOU JUST HAVE TO BE DIRECT.

TELL COURTNEY WHAT'S WHAT.

YEAH, AND IF SHE STILL WON'T GO AWAY,

TELL HER THAT FUCKING HER

WAS LIKE FUCKING A RUSTY CAN FULL OF THUMBTACKS.

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE TO HATE WOMEN TO LOVE MEN, LIONEL.

YEAH.

STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BURIED THE BONE IN HER FRONT YARD.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN SAY TO HER.

SHE HAS THIS CRAZY IDEA THAT A STRAIGHT WOMAN AND A GAY MAN

CAN LIVE HAPPILY TOGETHER, EVEN THOUGH IT'S A LIE.

SHE'S JUST TAKING A PAGE OUT OF THE PLAYBOOK

OF DOROTHY NELSON REILLY.

SO, I GUESS THIS ISN'T A DATE.

YOU BROUGHT YOUR BOYFRIEND?

I WAS HOPING WE'D DO THIS LIKE EUROPEANS,

WHERE HE AND I WOULDN'T MEET UNTIL YOUR FUNERAL.

Hany: FOR THE RECORD,

MARSHALL AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS.

I'M HANY.

CHARMED.

WOW.

YOU ACTUALLY MANAGED TO UNDERSELL THIS.

I CAN'T CATCH A BREAK.

IT'S JUST LIFE, MAX.

I DON'T GET IT. I'M A GOOD GUY.

I PAY MY TAXES, I REFRAIN FROM HITTING MY KIDS,

AND I -- YOU KNOW...

YOU WHAT?

WELL, WE'RE FUCKED. OKAY?

WE'RE JUST -- WE'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE

TO CLEAN THIS SHIT UP IN FOUR HOURS.

YOU THINK IT'D LOOK BAD TO THIS GUY IF I WAS A LITTLE DRUNK?

MAX, THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME.

WHOEVER THEY SEND OVER HERE

IS NOT GONNA HOLD THE TORNADO AGAINST YOU.

UNLESS YOU CAUSED THE TORNADO.

DID YOU CAUSE THE TORNADO?

YEAH.

WHAT IF IT DOESN'T GO WELL?

WITH EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON AROUND THIS HOUSE,

WHAT IF WE CAN'T PULL IT OFF?

OH, HEY.

STOP THINKING LIKE THAT.

WE'RE TOTAL PROS AT CONVINCING PEOPLE WE'RE NORMAL.

I'LL GO GET KATE,

AND THEN WE'LL KNOCK THIS PLACE INTO SHAPE TOGETHER.

YOU AND ME, RIGHT?

YOU AND ME.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY WANT A PICTURE WITH ME?

I'M CUTE. I'M LOVABLE.

MY SHIT AIN'T 50.

Lynda: IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

A TRAVELING SALES REP FOR WORLDWIDE POONANY INCORPORATED?

WHAT ARE YOU?

SHE'S PRINCESS VALHALLA HAWKWIND.

WHAT?

YOU WANT TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME?

WHAT ARE YOUR SUPERPOWERS?

I don't have a vagina.

LET'S GO TO POPEYES AND GET SOME CHICKEN.

I...

WE...

PLEASE GET TO A PREDICATE.

I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT.

HERE'S THE THING.

THERE'S A THING THAT HAPPENS WHEN TWO PEOPLE HAVE A THING.

BUT IF THAT THING TURNS OUT NOT TO BE A THING,

UM, THE THING IS...

HELP.

OKAY, COURTNEY, HERE'S THE DEAL.

IT'S OVER.

MARSHALL NO LONGER WANTS A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

IS THAT HOW YOU FEEL, MARSHALL?

YEAH.

THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?

YEAH.

FINE.

WE'RE DONE.

COULD SOMEBODY GET ME SOME PIE?

DO YOU --

JUST GET ME SOME FUCKING PIE!

UH, ONE PIECE OF PIE, PLEASE?

ARE THEY GONE?

"THEY" WHO?

TARA.

OH, YEAH. SHE'S PICKING UP KATE.

GOOD -- I MEAN, I KNOW SHE'S YOUR WIFE,

SO I SHOULD KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT,

BUT SHE CAN'T KEEP HERS SHUT,

SO WHY CAN'T YOU KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT, BITCH?!

OKAY.

TIME FOR A LITTLE CHITCHAT.

UM, I GET THE ANGER, 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL ANGRY.

BUT HERE'S THE DEAL -- THIS THING WITH NEIL,

YOU CAN'T KEEP HIDING STUFF FROM HIM,

'CAUSE IT'S NOT COOL.

I MEAN, THE ENGAGEMENT WAS ONE THING,

BUT COME ON -- YOU'RE HAVING THE MAN'S BABY.

THIS ISN'T A GAME.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

I KNOW.

WELL, TELL HIM, PLEASE.

I WILL.

GOD. CRAZY CRAINE WOMEN.

BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SISTER...

THIS SHIT WITH THIS GUY COMING OVER --

I DON'T GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT IT.

RELAX. YOU'LL BE FINE.

IT'S NOT ME I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME?

KATE, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. NOT TODAY. DAD NEEDS US.

JUST PUT THESE CLOTHES ON, AND LET'S GO.

IF I WAS THE REAL PRINCESS VALHALLA HAWKWIND,

I WOULD SUMMON THE MIGHTY SERPENT KAREK

AND I WOULD SEND YOU BACK TO BANDALQUAIG.

AH. MAIDEN'S MOTHER RETURNS.

HEY. LYNDA.

THAT'S ME.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU THE WHOLE WAY OVER HERE.

I MEAN, NOT THE WHOLE WAY. THAT SOUNDS STALKERY.

OCCASIONALLY, A THOUGHT WOULD POP INTO MY HEAD.

IT WAS NOTHING. I JUST --

MOM.

YOU KNOW WHEN I SAW YOU IN YOUR STUDIO A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO?

I JUST --

I DON'T KNOW IF KATE TOLD YOU THAT I'M ALSO AN ARTIST.

SHE HAS.

ANYWAY, SOMETHING ABOUT THAT PLACE JUST MADE ME...

WOW, I AM BLABBERING. I'M GONNA START OVER.

HI.