Bored to Death

‫All the shadows in the city

‫used to love you, what a pity

‫I miss the question you used to ask me

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Don't both of you think this whole ‫fight thing between two magazines

‫- is a bit ridiculous? ‫- Well yes, and it's good publicity

‫Especially in today's publishing market

‫and from what I can understand ‫George's magazine can really the ink

‫I agree, our whole fight is inane

‫I'm doing this because Richard challenged ‫me and as a gentlemen, I accepted

‫But Richard challenged you because ‫you wrote, among other things

‫that he had the penis of a hermaphrodite

‫That was sloppy journalism

‫I um I do want to apologize ‫to any hermaphrodites

‫who may have been insulted ‫by an unflattering comparison

‫So why aren't you two fighting?

‫Richard's my boss and he said I had to

‫Uh for, a... a team to win in a match ‫like this, it has to be best two out of three

‫And uh, he said that we needed ‫a cartoonist on our side

‫since Ray is a cartoonist

‫- I... I really love your comics by the way ‫- Oh thank you

‫They say that the pen ‫is mightier than the source

‫But when we meet in the ring ‫my fist will be mightier than my pen

‫I wish your pen was mightier ‫than your fist, Jonathan

‫but your honest assessment of your talent ‫is quite commendable and appreciated

‫I'm looking forward to being punched

‫Um, I've never actually ‫practiced S&M but I've always to

‫and... and you know this seems ‫like a really good opportunity

‫Uh especially since I'll be hit ‫by someone whose work I admire

‫I think that a homoronic sub text

‫is precisely what this fight ‫needs to make it more lively

‫Oh, I'm sorry to put um ‫you on spot Mrs. Antrum

‫but you've been married to both of these ‫gentlemen, what do you think of all this?

‫I think the whole thing is absurd ‫I don't wan either one of them getting hurt

‫Hands up all the time

‫The guy you're fightin' is tall, remember

‫You gotta' make a sandwich, your hands ‫are the bread, your head is the meat

‫- Protect the meat ‫- Okay Sal, thank you

‫Bread, meat, hmmm

‫I've really been fantasizing ‫about beating Lewis Green

‫He's been rude to me one too many times

‫Yeah, I have nothing against ‫the weirdo that I'm boxing

‫But I look forward ‫to kickin' his ass, you know

‫I keep having this day dream ‫that if I win I get Priscilla back

‫Why did you ever lose her anyway?

‫I don't know, she was... ‫she was like a catch

‫She'd never come to me ‫when I... when I wanted her to

‫That's why I like dogs

‫But when she did come to me, I mean ‫it was magnificent, she was highly orgasmic

‫When she sees what I'm ‫gonna' do to Antrum in the ring

‫yeah, she'll be reminded of what ‫it's like to be in bed with me

‫That's how you make love?

‫- Hello ‫- Hey

‫It's Stella, we met a few ‫weeks ago at the co-op

‫- Yeah, hi, how are you? ‫- I'm good

‫Uh, I don't know, um ‫I was thinking about you

‫and I was wondering ‫if you wanted to hang out tonight

‫Um, I'm supposed to be working on my novel

‫Well, I... I got this really good pot ‫medical marijuana from California

‫it could help with your writing

‫- Why don't you have shelves? ‫- My girl...

‫my ex-girlfriend took them ‫with her when she moved out

‫- Why don't you build some? ‫- I'm not very mechanical

‫- I could build them for you ‫- Really?

‫Yeah, I used to work for Habitat For Humanity

‫- You did? ‫- Uh-hum

‫- I'm human ‫- Let's play

‫I never miss when I'm stoned ‫or it's like I don't care if I do

‫- What's the name of your basketball team? ‫- The In Your... In your Face

‫- What's the name of your team? ‫- Kickin' your butts

‫- Oh, you are? ‫- Yeah

‫That's kind of a stupid name ‫for a team that doesn't even do that

‫- Are you all right? ‫- I'm fine

‫- All right ‫- Where's the ball?

‫- Hello ‫- Is this Jonathan Aames?

‫Yes, who's this?

‫It's not important who it is

‫What is important is that you take a dive ‫in your fight with Lewis Green or else

‫Or else what?

‫Or else we're gonna' make Georges Christopher ‫the laughing stock of the publishing world

‫- And maybe even the magazine world too ‫- Well, what are you talking about?

‫I'm talking about you taking a dive Aames

‫All right I gotta' go, bye

‫Hello? Hello?

‫- Well, that's a weird phone call ‫- Probably one of your disturbed friends

‫Nope, you're my only disturbed ‫friend who'd do something like that

‫Don't mention it to Georges ‫I don't wanna' upset him

‫- Well, are you gonna' do anything about it? ‫- No, nothing to do

‫- It's gotta' be a prank ‫- Let me get you guys wrapped

‫I had a really nice time ‫with Stella last night

‫She's the first girl since Suzanne ‫I kinda' have feelings for

‫- Julie Spanger? ‫- Yeah, did you bang her?

‫No, it was like a real date

‫I played nurf basketball ‫listen to music, we didn't even kiss

‫- What are you in the 5th grade? ‫- I lost virginity in the 5th grade

‫- What was his name? ‫- Father Francis

‫I'm gonna' kick your ass, you're an idiot

‫I can't stand you

‫I should have never married my ex-wife

‫Georges, Georges, you're ‫gonna' shoot your whole wad

‫- Save it for tomorrow night ‫- Yeah, you're right, thanks, thanks

‫Hey, I wanna' thank both of you ‫for supporting me in this whole thing

‫I know it's delusional behavior ‫but it's important to me

‫- I like being delusional ‫- Yeah, me too

‫- We're delusional together ‫- Thank you

‫We're gonna' kick some major ‫GQ ass tomorrow, I can feel it

‫I just hope I don't get a brain injury

‫What is that, a bridge?

‫Hello

‫Hey, you practicing ‫for your dog tomorrow night?

‫- Why should I? ‫- Because I have something you want

‫What are you talking about? What do you have?

‫I have a Viagra bottle

‫The name on it, Georges Christopher

‫He's been on the stuff ‫since 1997, plenty of refills

‫- How did you get that? ‫- Hey, you know what? Shut up

‫Here's the drill, you're gonna' ‫take a dive in your fight tomorrow

‫or else this bottle's going to page 6

‫and Christopher, the so called ‫ladies man, is gonna' be humiliated

‫All right, gotta' go, hangin' up

‫- What the fuck?!! ‫- I'm Jonathan Aames

‫Get the fuck out of here

‫- What the hell is that thing? ‫- You don't wanna' find out

‫Where's the Viagra bottle?

‫I don't know what ‫you're talking about, asshole

‫- Come on man ‫- Settle down

‫- Shit, how did you find me? ‫- You called from your home phone, amateur

‫- Hey, I'm not a fucking amateur ‫- Where did you get the Viagra?

‫You can't make me talk

‫This thing takes locks ‫it also does a nice job on your drugs

‫I got it from Georges Christopher's dumpster

‫You're not smart enough to master ‫mind a job like this, who put you up to it?

‫You know what? I'm a lot ‫of things but I ain't no rat

‫Lewis Green

‫Hey, wait, wait, don't tell Green ‫I screwed this up, all right?

‫He'll be pissed off and ‫he's supposed to give me $200

‫You wanna' make that kind of money?

‫Bet on Aames

‫Hello

‫Oh my God, really?

‫No... uh, yeah, send her up

‫- Priscilla, I am so happy to see you ‫- Oh Georges

‫Come in, come in, come in

‫- Hello ‫- It's Stella, what are you doin'?

‫Trying to write, my book's due tomorrow

‫Now I've got 47,000 words left to go ‫also I have a boxing match tomorrow

‫- I'm losing my mind ‫- Shit, I won't bug you then

‫We'll do it another time

‫The vaporizer I ordered ‫finally arrived today

‫Just squeeze down on that nipple ‫and suck in the marijuana vapor

‫I sucked that in instantly and beautifully...

‫But... I know and it's healthy ‫because it's invisible vapor, it...

‫Your apartment is beautiful

‫Thank you

‫It's a little cold though, isn't it?

‫I had sorta' float around ‫here trying not to make a mess

‫Almost like it's someone else's home

‫Georges, I've come here ‫to talk to you about something

‫- Your fight tomorrow... ‫- Can we talk about the past first?

‫I have no filters, uh ‫my frontal loves maybe going

‫but I... I have ta' say immediately ‫that I haven't stopped thinking about you

‫for 20 years and ‫that you look very beautiful

‫Georges