Black Jesus

Previously on Black Jesus...

Yo, this is a lot

bigger than what we budgeted for.

We're gonna need a lot more fertilizer.

You know, our plan is to talk to a few investors.

You about to get pounds of weed.

I mean elbows, girl. And on top of that, we doin'

- somethin' good for the community. - Man, I don't care about no community.

- But I do need product. - Hey, baby.

- Hi, Dianne! - I thought we talked

about getting high and hanging out with homeless dudes.

I don't want you hanging out with these bums.

I think she finally tired of my ass, man.

Don't even let it happen, dawg.

She fine and mmm! And that's about as good as

- you're gonna do, dawg. - You lucky I ain't a

snitch, man. 'Cause I'd have been had the

cops come and haul your ass off. Matter of fact, next time I

catch you at my complex, it's gonna be "punch in the face" time.

I think he's a danger to the

community, and I want you to keep an eye on him.

Follow him around, keep me posted on what's happening.

- Deal? - Go take a shower, man.

You want me clean, that gonna be extra.

Yeah, I checked the tracking number.

That's why I'm calling you right now.

- Figure it out. - Okay, it's all good.

Farm nigga. Up kind of early this morning.

- Who's that? - Just Vic talking out

- his ass again. - Yeah, I heard your

cult leader got y'all out there working hard.

Doing farm work, looking like a bunch of assholes.

It's a community garden, nigga.

We trying to teach mother how to eat right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you niggas gonna save the

whole community with turnips. Look, nigga, I'm missing

a very important package.

I ain't seen your package, Vic.

You ain't maybe, like, see the package

and look in there and notice that it was

some expensive Joseph Cannoli Italian loafers inside that package?

Loafers?

Nigga, is you serious? Hey, Boonie, he mad 'cause he

lost his slippers, man.

Loafers, nigga, not slippers!

Do they have laces? If they don't have laces, they slippers.

Ain't nobody asked your fat, rolly-Polly ass.

Hey, whatever you want

to call them, Vic, they ain't in my crib.

Hey, you know what? Uh, then why don't you let me

come in and look around the apartment?

I ain't got your slippers, man! A'ight?

- Well, then... - Hey, nigga, what you doin'

sneaking up behind me like that, man?!

- Big dusty-ass nigga. - Scared you a little bit, huh, Vic?

He was scared.

- He shook. - Hey, looky here, man,

uh, I'm missing an expensive package.

It's a very important package. You wouldn't

happen to have seen it, would you?

Oh!

About this big? About this wide?

Yeah.

You talking about those butter soft Joseph Cannoli slippers?

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Whoo! Hey, them mugs is hard, Vic!

Man, you already a sharp dresser, but with them, you

gonna be on the top of the extra-crispy nigga list, man!

Now check it out, man... I knew you... I knew you would

know, man. Where they at?

No, I ain't seen 'em.

I'm just sayin', though, they probably got lost or something, man.

And to be honest with you, man,

God don't want you to have them shoes, dawg, 'cause you too

thirsty for them, man. You want them too bad, man.

And you do know vanity one of the seven deadly sins, right?

I'm giving you one more chance to return my sli...

- I mean my... my loafers, nigga! - Swear to pops, homey...

I ain't knowing.

- He's upset. - Hey, shoes don't make the man, Vic.

Hey, man, spit it out, man.

The soil's no good, man.

- We can't plant there. - I told you, dawg...

wrong spot. All that damn work for nothing.

Yeah, well, the soil would've been good if we didn't

give the cholos our fertilizer money.

And we need that fertilizer, too... a lot of it.

I mean, that's what pop said. And the fresher, the better.

It got to be fresh, coming from some happy horses, 'cause, you

know, stress translates through the shit, man, and it'll

Up the quality of the weed. We got a big-ass area to cover,

y'all, so we gonna need at least a truckload of it.

6 miles away, we have the Compton boarding stables.

They have cow and horse manure.

Wow. They're actually selling at $800 a ton.

$800 for some shit?!

Nah, that's crazy, man! How they gonna charge?

Where the free stuff at, man?

No, everything's about the same. I mean, nothing in L.A. is free,

not even dung.

Man, I don't even have $800 to my name. You know what that means?

That means I'm literally not worth a sack of shit.

Just don't seem right to me, though, y'all.

I mean, that's horse shit. It's part of the ecosystem.

The circle of life. No, you can't have a monopoly on horse waste.

Whoa, wait.

But if that's the case and all we need is shit, who's to say we

can't just sneak in the stalls about 3:00 in the morning, do a

little shovel, shovel, and bounce?

I mean, we just cleaning out the stalls, right?

Yeah.

- I ain't even mad at that, Fish. - Are you serious?

You gonna do the job with us?

Carefully, though. Carefully. We don't want nobody to get hurt.

Man, who gonna get hurt stealing shit? I mean, the shit ain't gonna fight back.

He's right.

Technically, it won't fight back.

Tray, I don't need your technicalities right now.

We need horse manure.

Hey, baby.

Hey! Mmm, damn, Jason.

- You clean up nice, baby. - Mmm, thank you, baby,

but I look like somebody that park cars.

- Aww! - Bitches don't think that's sexy.

Well, I don't know

about bitches, but this woman thinks employment is sexy.

- Okay? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, wait, hold on.

- Let me turn that off. - Hey, I just want to

say that I'm really proud of you for agreeing to take the job.

And since somebody's been such a good boy...

Bam! Open it.

- Retro J's? - Mm-hmm.

- Baby, you didn't. - I did.

Oh, my God. I don't even know what to say.

Oh, you can thank me later, papi.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Baby, I love 'em.

- Yeah? - Oh, you know what I'm

gonna do? I'm gonna get me a special case

made for them. You know, one with the Plexiglas

on both sides, with the mirror in the back so when you walk

past, you can see both sides at the same time.

No, baby, they're meant to be worn, like tonight.

Wait. We are still going out tonight, right?

Oh, yeah, baby, for sure we going out to...

look, I'm gonna wear them tonight.

- You know what they say, right? - What?

- Shoes make the man. - Mmm. Exactly.

That's my baby.

So you're sure nothing about my package?

Nope. They all be

talking about that garden. And something about some shit.

- Shit? - Yeah.

Yo, I still think it was either the convict or the

- con man. - Oh, yeah.

They probably saw the package lying around.

I know I would've taken it.

Well, this package contained a pair of very fashionable loafers.

Mm. Like house shoes?

No, not like house shoes. Like loafers.

There's a big difference, okay? Look, you know what?

What I'm gonna need you to do is I'm gonna need you to go over

to Fish's house, look around, and find my shoes.

Hmm. You mean like breaking in?

No, you ain't got to break in.

I got the key.

Well, why don't you go do it yourself?

'Cause I got you. See?

You go over there, you look around, you find my shoes, you

bring them back. Think about it, man... this

dude, Fish, works long hours at their farm, usually at night.

Gives you plenty of time to get in and get out.

Sounds dangerous. What do I get?

Macaroni and cheese, nigga.

This is different. This is breaking and entering.

I go get them shoes, I want three nights in the bed.

You sleep on the couch.

Like I said, we get this call from a bunch of people talking about how there's this

crazy guy at the park running around, you know, screaming,

- just being a lunatic. - Mm-hmm.

And so when we finally get there, baby, get

this... he's naked. So, we finally get him in

handcuffs, and then he's going on and on about how powerful his

attorney is, blah, blah, blah, and I'm like, "look, you're

naked. I don't care. I just want to see what's in your trunk."

- Right. - Right.

So, we finally get to his car, and then I get in his

trunk, and there's this big metal...

and I just... What is it, baby?

I think I just saw Luther Vandross.

Oh, you know what? I just remember he dead, so that

probably wasn't even him, baby. Anyway, what was you saying?

Um, what was I saying?

- The naked dude. - Oh, the naked guy, right.

So, the naked guy takes us to

his car, and I go to his trunk, and I open it, and there's,

- like, this big metal... - Uh, excuse me, baby.

Um... I got to go to the bathroom real quick.

Just got to pee.