Midsomer Murders - Twenty-Third Season

Five, six, seven, eight and zut.

Zut, zut... And zee, zee...

and, come on, Evelyn.

Clomp those mammoth feet. Pose!

Okay, from the top.

Great!

Look at me!

Here's Nellyl!

Nelly!

Nigel!

Alright, ladies keep your wigs on.

No! Forget it!

Two shakes of my tail feathers.

I'll be right with you.

Rehearsal's going well I see.

Such a "Karen."

Wonder whose calls you're hiding?

Ooh, wondering what business it is of yours!

Do you need some help,

or should we just give it up as a bad joke?

Hmm! And just have your dominoes tournament.

I don't think so.

And, anyway, it's for charity.

So what exactly is your problem, Lois?

You. This.

Woman-facing just feels so regressive, don't you think?

A man's idea of women at their worst.

Says the woman

hovering like the Grim Reaper!

There! I've said it!

Maybe it plays with and disrupts the gender norms,

ever thought of that?

Oh, and for the record, I am a woman.

You could always redress the balance, Lois,

come as a drag king?

Could work...

I'd rather stick dominoes in my eyes.

Can be arranged.

Right then, from the top!

Bunch of big-haired, false-faced losers!

[pensive music

Oh! Do you never give up?

I've said all I need to say.

Actions always have consequences.

-After you, sir, -Hmm?

Nothing... Oh.

The revered stage and screen legend no less.

Who squandered his talent on wine and women.

Oh, it's easily done.

I imagine.

[pensive music

[phone whirrs

We're not talking cryogenics, I take it?

We are not.

Victim sustained a high... impact blow

to the left side of her head.

Is that the cause of death?

Hard to say without getting the body back to the lab.

Sir.

Her name's Lois Springfield, single,

owned Suds, Zaps & Zips.'

It's a local dry cleaners in the village,

does everything from washing and ironing

to dry cleaning and alterations.

- Who found her? - The landlady Gill Templeton.

And one of her staff, Chantelle Dawlish.

There was a rehearsal going

on for the big event tomorrow night.

The rest of the performers are in the bar

awaiting to be interviewed.

Right. Lets start with the landlady.

- Is she one of the Drag Queens? - Course she's not.

Dress isn't on properly,

and she still has her day to day clothes on underneath.

Whoever killed her, dressed her post-mortem.

No self-respecting queen would apply make-up like that.

I was once one half of a drag double act.

Ava Hart-Byme.

Did a stonking version of "Relight My Fire."

Ava Hart-Byrne and...

Morgan Donor.

Lovely bloke, Colin, legs to die for.

Never seen a man look so good in Lycra.

He could have gone all the way but had other plans.

Why, what does he do now?

He's Chief Healthcare Administrator for Scotland.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Can I get you anything?

Can I get a glass of water?

DCI Barnaby, DS Winter. Mrs. Templeton?

Yes.

I just can't believe it.

It's so terrible.

I came in for my shift at eleven.

That's when I found her.

And did you know Ms. Springfield well?

Yes, er, erm.

She ran the dry cleaners for years,

the hub of the village.

- Any family? - No, only child.

Never married, never had any children.

Why was Ms. Springfield here?

Setting up for her big domino tournament tomorrow.

Has that got something to do with the Charity Event?

Yes and no.

Every year the Parish Council, led by Lois,

nominate a worthy charity or cause

and then vote for an event to fund raise for it.

And...

this year they all very kindly agreed to...

erm, urgently raise funds to get my son Rocco to America.

- He has leukaemia. - I'm very sorry to hear that.

The kindness has blown me away.

It's expensive but there's, erm,

a breakthrough treatment

at a specialist clinic in Florida,

that's where we wanna send him.

So, Ms. Springfield agreed to the charity event

even though it clashed with her domino tournament?

When Rocco's need became urgent,

this was the earliest date possible,

it just happened to clash with the dominoes.

But Lois went along with it...

or she was outvoted.

I see.

Mrs. Templeton, do you and your son live on the premises?

Then we'll need to speak to Rocco as well.

Of course. If he's feeling okay.

Is anybody else living here?

No.

Mr. Templeton, if that's who you mean?

That waste of space is long gone.

I thought you had clinic today?

I do.

I had a cancellation sol thought I'd get a run in.

Gonna be late tonight though.

Got a bit of business to sort,

so don't bother with dinner, yeah?

Don't tell me, another one of your half-baked projects?

You know me, I like to keep busy.

Dickie...

I know where you were last night.

Flashy new racing bike of yours, talk about mid-life crisis!

"Mid-life?" I'll have you know I'm in my prime!

I'll be fit in no time.

Just don't make a habit of it.

Take up a proper hobby, like golf or something.

Really, Nige?

Oh, don't get all triggered on me.

- I'm drowning my sorrows. - Don't pour me one.

- I'm not. - So who's the second pint for?

I'm very, very upset.

Oh, please, you of all people had zero time for Lois.

Don't pretend otherwise.

Oh, stand by your stilettos, ladies! Here come da Feds.

Er, good afternoon, let me introduce you.

Gay man.

Straight man.

Cisgender.

And me, whatever the heck I am?

A rogue and vagabond minstrel, a poor player

that struts and frets his hour upon the stage.

We are such stuff as dreams are made on,

and our little life is rounded with a sleep.

Prospero. I'm a thesp.

Yes, I'm aware of your career.

Ophelia Crotchet.

Ah! Erm, DCI Barnaby.

DS Winter.

So, you were all here when the incident occurred.

Erm, did you see Lois Springfield at all?

She stuck her head in.

Oar in more like, around 10.30-ish,

she made her presence felt, then left.

You clearly didn't like Ms. Springfield?

Oh, very good, sir.

Is that some kind of sixth sense intuition?

No, we overheard you talking as we came in.

Actually, I think you'll find it was Lois

that didn't like our vibe... just saying.

What did you do after she left?

We carried on rehearsing. Until the lights went out.

And how long were the electrics out for'!

Uh, about half an hour.

Er, Shawn Dawlish, local electrician.

Did anyone else leave the room?

Oh, I went to change the barrel.

So, you, you work here now, do you?

Heaven forfend, no.

But I have become more of a fixture

than the paintings on the wall.

Drag, dominoes, barrel changing,

I bestride all worlds like a colossus.

And I went to check my phone.

I stayed here to work on my costume,

which is gonna be a dream.

Er, dream on sweet cheeks.

Speaking of, I really should get back to it, inspector.

Did anyone see or hear anything untoward?

Oh, I did.