Mad Families

Oh, shit.

Is this the... Is this the right site?

Yes, honey. It's site 16, like always.

- Yo, Tommy, what's going on? - Will you call me "Dad"?

- Franklin? - Yeah?

- Are you sure you booked this for us? - Absolutely.

I booked the last available site.

I got the permit right here. Site 16, July 4th weekend.

Felipa.

I just think that there's been a little bit of a mix-up, Papi, so...

Buenos tardes, amigos! Word, bitches.

- Who you calling a bitch? - I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Just trying to break up the racial tension here, that's all.

- Might have hit bitch a little hard. - A little bit.

So what's going on? Pretty sure we booked this site for the weekend.

- No, no. We're the Jones family. - Yeah.

We booked site 16.

Well, now, we're the Jonas family and this is our site.

- Son, we're site 16. - No.

We're site 16.

You guys might be 116, but we're definitely 16. It's here on the paper!

- Uno, dos, tres, quatro... - Whoa, whoa!

That is level two, sweetheart, that's nice. This is 16.

- I don't know how that is. - We're 16.

Yeah, I know, but we're site 16.

- 16, man. Come on. - Hold on. So...

Jones, Jonas, and our last name is Jones, too. Well, there's the mix-up.

What y'all trying to say, y'all our masters or something?

No, no, not saying... I barely even own a cat.

- Site 16! - Wait a minute!

2,000 and 3,000. But we're definitely 16. It says here on the paper.

Also site 16!

Okay, um, so, it looks like the name "Jones"

kind of mixed up the computers.

And, uh, unfortunately, that's a big problem,

because the park is completely sold out.

I mean, this is, like, our biggest weekend of the year.

Hey, maybe it's because it's the 4th of July.

Um, yeah, well, you know, we think that that's a factor.

Come on, you guys. Please, please, please, let's not escalate this.

How about sharing the site?

Everyone stop!

Ron, you just gonna stand there and let them push us around like that?

No, I won't let that happen. Let me tell you something.

I'm gonna have Jesse Jackson down here on a moped,

with Al Sharpton in the sidecar. Okay? They love that type of shit.

- Ooh! It just escalated. - Yeah.

That definitely escalated,

which was the exact opposite of what he was hoping you would do.

Sir, if sharing the site is the only option, then...

This weekend is important. I say we all just share the site.

Uh, son, are you out of your damn mind?

- Come on, Pop, there's kids here... - We're not gonna share...

There's not... There's not enough space!

Papi? Are we gonna have to go home?

Okay. Okay, so... So...

Maybe we can share. - Yes!

All right, so we're all gonna share.

And it's gonna be great!

All right. Little bit of a rough start,

but this weekend's gonna be great.

Yeah, I hope so.

It's the first time we've all been together since you and I got married.

I just want your kids to like my kids and my kids to like you.

There's no reason we can't be one big, happy family.

- That speech sucked. - Sucked balls.

Yeah, yeah, he's right. It came off really whiny.

I can't believe that we're brothers.

Hey, Gravy, why don't you take these over to the campsite?

Oh, no, my hands are full. I gotta go, I gotta...

Hey, Thomas, did you unpack my turtle shells?

Yeah, here.

Can you call me "Dad"? - Not right now.

Thanks, Tommy. Hey, guys, check out my new turtle shells!

Give it time, honey.

Oh, do you think you can get Sharni to stop calling me "Fake Mom"?

She doesn't call you "Fake Mom."

Oh, you're doing that? You're doing that?

- Yeah, no, no. I'll try. - Thank you.

Man! Sharing this site was a crap idea, Felipa.

We're doing this for Papi's birthday.

Just try to hold it together for him.

You think maybe we'll see Papi smile for once in his damn life?

He works hard, and he worries about us.

What, he can't worry and smile at the same time?

Hey, I bet if your Papi ever did smile, his face would creak.

Sound like a nail being pulled from wood.

We'd probably hear his face go, "Oilcan! Oilcan!"

Ha, ha, ha. Maybe he would smile more

if you stopped goofing around and went to work for Rolando.

As a plumber?

Uh, no, Felipa. That's a living nightmare.

It's honest work.

Anyways, look, it doesn't even matter.

I tell you, one day, I'm gonna be a millionaire.

Oh! You gonna win the lottery?

Won't win if I don't scratch. Plus, I'm gonna get my ass on "Shark Tank"

and make Mark Cuban my new best friend.

Well, when you become a millionaire,

maybe you could pay me back the 75 bucks I loaned you.

You're gonna have to fill out all kinds of paperwork and taxes and stuff.

Might not be worth it, bro, so, probably not.

- Hey, did you leave the car open? - I did.

Did you see Fake Mom telling me how to unpack,

like she's the boss of me or something?

Hey, babe, Sharni, you shouldn't call her "Fake Mom."

I'm glad that Dad remarried.

He's much happier, which keeps him off of my ass.

I think she's great for him.

Yeah, well, Fake Mom says you drink too much, too.

Fake Mom can blow my balls. She said that?

That's bullshit.

Is that a 24-hour Popeye's Chicken?

Uh, no. That's a Porta Potty.

I love chickens. More than you.

Ah, screw off.

Whoo! Y'all kids keep it down over there

with your Pokemon Go playing selves!

Girl, you so crazy.

Girl, I am so tired of running around after the kids.

I need this vacation.

- It's beautiful here. - It is, ain't it?

Honey, you gonna like my brother Franklin.

All I got to say is,

is hold off on having kids for as long as you can.

'Cause they will suck the life out of you.

I mean, it's like sticking a vacuum cleaner in a pumpkin, just...

- What'd you say, Mama? - Just suck it all... Huh?

Baby, nothing. Mama loves you. Go on. Go play.

Wait. Hold up. Are you saying you invited me

as some kind of blind date for Franklin?

Girl, no, no, no! We enjoy your company.

- Oh, girl, 'cause I was about to... - But it is a blind date.

- Hey, Jose, can you get those oranges? - Are you kidding, Felipa?

Nothing can give the other families the satisfaction

of watching a Mexican carry a bag of oranges.

Like I'm selling them on the side of the street.

Okay, are you serious? God, you sound crazy.

Hey, excuse me! How much do you want for those oranges?

- Ay, beat it, pendejo! - Oh, crap. Angry.

Hey, Paco, you got any roses over there?

Who asked you, Oprah?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll take that one.

Hey, what is that?

In your bag.

Yeah, that. What's...

Recycled. Glass sculpture.

My exhibit. It's next week.

- What? You have an exhibit? - It's called...

"The Exhibit."

Oh, at least there's some chicas calientes to stare at, huh?

Jose! What if Francesca heard you say that?

She ain't here. And we ain't married.

Besides, just 'cause I'm on a diet

doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.

You mean stare at the menu?

Tuck dollar bills into that menu?

I mean, come on! Man, she's got so much wiggle in her walk,

she could butt-dial a rotary phone.

I heard them talking.

I guess she came as a blind date for that Franklin guy.

- Word? - Word.

What? What'd you just say?

- Are you all right? - No!

No, no, I'm not all right.

Listening to you two talk would make anybody sick.

Men are idiots. Blind date bullshit.

Don't let her call you that.

She's talking to you, too, pendejo.

Is our sister on her menopause or what?

Ah! The Jones family!

- Jones! - Whoa!

Chilluns are everywhere.

Hey, I really hope you guys like the park, man.

I don't know what happened with this mix-up.

I know I booked the last available site.

What changed your mind about coming with us this year, huh, son?

What?

I love camping. All this is me, Pops.

Come on, Franklin. Come on, bro. That's bullshit, okay?

I hope you know this is not online camping. It's actually the real thing.

And I hope you know this won't be a online fist in your face.

It'll be the real thing.

You know something? I'm tired of your shit.

Ron Ron, stop it. You leave your brother alone.

Sorry, Daddy.

He's gotta dress correct. He's a District Attorney now.

And he's working his way up. He might be Mayor one day.

Ah, I don't know about Mayor, Pop.

And, this weekend, we have a fine young woman with us.

Shantaysia.

- Who's Shantaysia? - Listen, son.

Beautiful woman like that on your side, no telling how far you can go.

From DA to Mayor. Commander-in-chief.

You smell that?

There's romance in the air.

Y'all smell these potties? Damn! - I smell something.

But I didn't wanna say nothing, 'cause I kinda thought it was...

Sorry, Daddy.

Is that Justin Bieber?